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Thread: All aboard the relationSHIP.

  1. #1
    Innovator.
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    All aboard the relationSHIP.

    Step Up..

    Most aren't concerned by the view,
    Of sunny days - constant services served by the crew
    Happiness conserved by your mood. Never deterred by the cruise
    A voyage confirmed by a few willing to learn while there's proof
    A rebirth of your youth. Love can be a hopeless endeavor,
    But its luxury holds them together.. seemingly floating forever
    During uncontrollable weather, unbearable crises in forms
    They abide through lightning and striking by - fighting the storm
    While the islands' are norms - various places to shop
    And affection graces their hearts.. souls are a vacationing spot
    Barricading their mark. Baring an incredible breeze
    While room service has the staff of emotions taking care of their needs
    So aware that they see.. like they've established a culture
    Their feelings are scavenging vultures - filling up the passenger quota
    An unimaginable sculpture. Never fearing appearance
    While a week full of joy and excitement becomes years of endearment
    Revealed by the simplest.. form by the shining glimpse of their eyes
    The twinkling light fulfilling their ride as they drift to the sky
    It becomes so vivid, alive.. they never dwell on specifics
    And safety becomes at lost drowning in the depths of commitment.
    .
    .
    Some visions are bright and their intentions are right,
    Yet somehow they come up almost missing the flight
    Their positioning frights them - those choosing to love it
    Have to deal with baggage and on cruise they refuse to lose luggage
    Try to get used to the grudges.. an illegitimate growth
    And with love they jump ship - ultimately missing the boat
    Not literally though.. but they do live in the past, crushed
    From every clash - rough to last tough grimacing bad luck
    So they pack up.. and try to mask their paths during its time
    On new cruises while the old preys on the back of their minds
    Fronting as rapturous, fine - wanting this new trust
    Yet their hunger of love is food poisoning - they threw up
    Blaming the crew, but.. it was their treacherous fall
    That effected every potential spouse.. an infectious cause
    It was dreadful and all, but they'll still be around for the subject
    While every stop becomes a staged downfall of destruction
    It's either all or it's nothing - although they're ruined for days
    Their cruise always ends.. thus their moving away
    Into the newest of days - hoping their love will thicken
    With anyone.. pressing the 'buy' for another ticket.
    .
    .
    Despite the lectures - there's few on this side who'd rather
    Never find the treasure in this type of pleasure
    Or its kind of record. All of its turbulence hints
    Drawing attention to freak occurrences and the worst of events
    Constant nervousness, tensed - that they are voting against it
    Cause years on this cruise leads to a motion of sickness
    Usually emotionless, rigid.. actively dodging the worries
    Never flying South, so they can finally embark on this journey
    So dark that it's blurry - never dove in its open stream
    And going overseas is impossible cause love is overseen
    Yet they sort of dream.. but tears flow as a form of the weather
    Believing that this costly trip can't be afforded forever
    Over its course it'll get better, but they seriously doubt it
    The fulfillment of love on this ship is ridiculously crowded
    And they meticulously out it - while remaining founded
    On city roads and fast lanes dating - lifestyle staying grounded
    Now the pavement's pounded.. cause most are choosing to drive
    Pushing 80 down lonely road - cruises are moved to the side
    Foolishness ruins their pride.. while they're aborting the trip
    More people stand in line to take aboard on the ship.

    All aboard the relationSHIP!!!


    -Nique.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  2. #2
    Innovator.
    Join Date
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    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  3. #3
    Innovator.
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    Re: All aboard the relationSHIP.

    lazy as shit. up
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  4. #4
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    Re: All aboard the relationSHIP.

    This took some concentration not to get lost in...because the whole piece is an extended metaphor that keeps swirling and getting more complex until the very end...and because of the topic, it's abundantly clear what you're talking about...but at the same time, you bring forward this kind of vague shapelessness to whole thing. Usually when people write about love and relationships, the piece is about a specific example. This piece was about ALL relationships...making vast generalizations, but never really missing the mark on anything.
    It was cool, you had some interesting multies and rhyme choices throughout.

    My only beef:
    So aware that they see.. like they've established a culture
    Their feelings are scavenging vultures - filling up the passenger quota
    Two great lines but...what does quota rhyme with? It's in there with sculpture, culture, vulture...quota? The line kind of stuck out like a sore thumb in an otherwise flawless piece.

    Cool work Nique. I'm not usually a "please peep my shit" kind of guy, but if you get a chance, could you vote on the WiM tourney finals? Thanks.
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

  5. #5
    Innovator.
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    Re: All aboard the relationSHIP.

    ^I usually rhyme out loud, so it rhymes when I pronunciate it. And I'll vote.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

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