Uncover my spirit

[Mav.]

I stand
alone in this dungeon
before you a man
at your service
my lord I pray
uncover my heart
let me feel
your presence is here
let me feel you speak
Im not worthy
but yet I stand
wating to be
until then
I stand
and praise you Lord
there is
no other I charish
I need your cleansing touch
behold my poor body Lord
as
I praise






Let Me feel your breath
and the ocean rise before you
the godess of earth
praise your simpleness of being
we charish you
you are a artist of life
and the trees and beauty
you are a artist to praise you
mold me into a masterpiece




I still stand
nobodyelse here
except me you Lord
and the remains of a God
I whisper
I need to believe more
a step from you
is the world to me
but what is the world without you
lord I share
my secrets
I live through your power
live your life today
tommorow is no longer needed
I praise you and I shall until
I feel your Presence
once again....

[Mav.]

bump

[Mav.]

bump

[Mav.]

bump wtf

[Mav.]

uppp

[Messiah.]

Again this is like the other piece i just feed on, it isnt going anywhere man, put a distinctive storyline in there because your not really writing to anything...Again i shall tell you elevate and keep dropping your stuff you'll improve my man. The strongest part of this piece was that it flowe dok at the most. What you have to do man is Take a little more time with your pieces and work on the minor details and the places inwhich make a 'dope' piece, when you can do that you will see you coming along.

[Dat]

I stand
alone in this dungeon
before you a man
at your service
my lord I pray
uncover my heart
let me feel
your presence is here
let me feel you speak
Im not worthy
but yet I stand
wating to be
until then
I stand
and praise you Lord
there is
no other I charish
I need your cleansing touch
behold my poor body Lord
as
I praise






Let Me feel your breath
and the ocean rise before you
the godess of earth
praise your simpleness of being
we charish you
you are a artist of life
and the trees and beauty
you are a artist to praise you
mold me into a masterpiece




I still stand
nobodyelse here
except me you Lord
and the remains of a God
I whisper
I need to believe more
a step from you
is the world to me
but what is the world without you
lord I share
my secrets
I live through your power
live your life today
tommorow is no longer needed
I praise you and I shall until
I feel your Presence
once again....

Ok once again as i said in my previous feedback, there's way too many 'expected' topics to approach in this forum, and although they seem to be a popular choice they really highlight the mediocrity of the writer, when all's said and done.

Although, this was a lot better than your last, it still lacked any solid quality because of the errors and miscalculated lines. Clean the verse up a bit and it could have been on it's way to something special. By that i mean lines like:

nobodyelse here
except me you Lord
and the remains of a God

The untidyness of these lines brought the piece down. Along with any other easily identifiable lines similar to those.

A stanza i really liked, that had a nice potential to be something very entertaining, was:

Let Me feel your breath
and the ocean rise before you
the godess of earth
praise your simpleness of being
we charish you
you are a artist of life
and the trees and beauty
you are a artist to praise you
mold me into a masterpiece

Like i said in your last piece, you lacked any creative content, and you lacked any material to get creative with. Here's a nice example of your better side of writing.
Here i can imagine you talking about a partner, showing their position in your eyes and your life.
The last four lines held a great potential, calling the target an 'artist of life' linking it with trees and beauty - however you might have replaced 'life' with 'nature' and then sought to improve on the line.
Then you continued and showed how your respect for the target is great enough for you to submit to them, and allow them to mould you.

you are a artist to praise you
mold me into a masterpiece

These lines hold awesome value, i just feel you understepped yourself a bit, because the rest of your writing really needs thickening up with some creative flare to do gems like this justice.

Finally, you seem to come across to me as having a low understanding of the value of line breaks. I used to be the same, so it's easy to pick out.
The random placement of your lines seems to disrupt the flow of my reading. I keep getting cut off to a new line in places that really don't need it. Try and read it from outside the box and see, 'Do you really need to cut the line there? Or are you doing it because all the other writers do?'.

Time and experience and feedback like this will improve you. But keep writing, and i'm sure we'll continue to see some potentially strong drops in the future.

I'd appreciate some feed on one of my latest poems as well, they're in PS somewhere. Thanks, and peace.

[Poeta Demonio]

Closed.