User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: Hold Your Halos

  1. #1
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Hold Your Halos



    Hold your Halos: The true path

    For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
    Timothy 6:10


    Mr. Luosdas:
    "Hello, I have some interesting news for you. Please come in and have a seat, close the door behind you. Your going to be a rich man, just like me."




    I lived a holier life than the rest, so tell me why with hours I invest...
    I'm doomed to trek the same path as crooks, mobsters, and special interests
    If I'm truly blessed, than why does scripture appear so peculiar and odd
    Why can a man kill on free will yet still allowed to break bread with MY god?
    Do we worship the same man? Forgiveness I understand but this is bogus
    A faithful man wouldn't think of himself first, yet everybody already knows this
    And is opposed, shit... politicians flood the net, promoting what this dud led
    A president that will only serve his country.... oil after trading for bloodshed!
    Yet men like these get praised? Like people haven't heard a word hes spoke
    How can you spill the blood of the innocent and retain a popular vote?!
    & with this chip you tote, when is the end of it all? People begin to bid
    As this culture of greed and self-indulgence gets passed down to our kids!
    Culture so stained with sin, when pain is grim, scripture remains mind boggling
    The stairway to heaven is gone forever, cuz Damian's finished remodeling
    & through this I still search for reason... through days which turn to seasons
    Seeking the corresponding path that will lead on route to meet my Jesus


    Until.......

    A friend in need is a pest, but let me look through his eyes for a sec...

    The CEO Friend...:
    thousands left unemployed, bankruptcy a blunder? I wonder where are we
    I'm off the map, the company's under... and I'm really feelin Ferrari's
    To new heights I can reach, as ME is now the ONLY thing which I seek
    and I ain't going to hell, unless hell is a mansion on a tropical beach
    And still for words i seek, yet i continue to stumble through slurring speech
    I can get all that I need, but still possess an emptiness down deep...
    But, Of money I reek!
    & I'll leave so many jobless, cuz in this culture, u do whatever happiness cost
    So it's not a surprising I tossed faith for lies when me and temptation crossed
    What have I lost? I'm on top, so consider me sleazy with this advice I'm given
    Once you make greed and envy your friends this world is a lot easier to live in



    Client: "So you mean, sell ALL of my shares?"

    With these words said, I turned instead an opposed view of these maladies
    Why not put myself ahead of others when God is dead in our new reality?
    Why be mad at me? And if god wanted me to stop, it gets strangely odd
    Cuz I haven't felt his presence in a while... & my conscience won't do the job
    So this withered path I step, it just won't last to trek, this is okay tho
    Cuz now I've joined the millions of others with horns..... to hold up my halo



    One year later...

    Mr. Luosdas was suspected of insider trading, and after a relentless investigation of his previously spotless record, it had been determined that this year his clients had began to receive numerous tips from Luosdas prior to many big company's either taking huge hits on the market, or folding entirely. After taken to trial, Luosdas plead not guilty and denied all charges. He was then found guilty by a jury of his peers and sentenced to 6-8 years jail time, and a fine of over 1,000,000. (More than double his profits.)

    My message is this, in life be honest and take only what you've earned
    Cuz the passage is shit if you stray from the path and take a wrong turn
    .

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    AoL have Ill Humor!
    Posts
    949
    Battle Record
    13-4

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Good Shit!

    imagery is there, the emotion was spewing, the rhyming is there, the struc is nice, the overall piece is dope, i like the story line and i like how u plotted it out with a message, like a few of my pieces....i just dont tell what the message is...good shit though A.

  4. #4
    ill fight till the end Undisputed™'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    1,083
    Battle Record
    4-3

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Let me say first, the message of this piece is great. your vocab. was a bit simple, but that didnt affect that you had some nice ideas and delivered it in a good way. the best part about this is that it was an entertaining read. i thought that you grabbed my attention and had me wanting to finish it. work on your complexity a bit and you'll be just fine...


    still got ants in the pants? lmao.
    Violent Wordz
    violence IS the answer

  5. #5
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Thanks guys.

    Uppin for more feed.

    Don't sleep on me hommies.

  6. #6
    Banned
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    85
    Battle Record
    0-3

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    This was good,
    I had a clear picture in my mind.
    Your vocab was a bit simple.
    The metaphors were dope period.
    You could use improvement but dope.

  7. #7
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Thanks dog, bumpin for more feed.

  8. #8
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Final bump.

  9. #9
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Guam
    Age
    35
    Posts
    22,986
    Battle Record
    62-46
    Awards SS HW Champion Haiku Champion FL Champion PS Champion/IE Champion WOP Champion OM HOF PC HOF 50+ Wins

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Told you that you would make a nice outbreak man for writing man... when you showed me this verse i was pleased so of course others would be aswell nice pic add by the way it was nice asset.

    I lived a holier life than the rest, so tell me why with hours I invest...
    I'm doomed to trek the same path as crooks, mobsters, and special interests
    If I'm truly blessed, than why does scripture appear so peculiar and odd
    Why can a man kill on free will yet still allowed to break bread with MY god?
    Do we worship the same man? Forgiveness I understand but this is bogus
    A faithful man wouldn't think of himself first, yet everybody already knows this
    And is opposed, shit... politicians flood the net, promoting what this dud led
    A president that will only serve his country.... oil after trading for bloodshed!
    Yet men like these get praised? Like people haven't heard a word hes spoke
    How can you spill the blood of the innocent and retain a popular vote?!
    & with this chip you tote, when is the end of it all? People begin to bid
    As this culture of greed and self-indulgence gets passed down to our kids!
    Culture so stained with sin, when pain is grim, scripture remains mind boggling
    The stairway to heaven is gone forever, cuz Damian's finished remodeling
    & through this I still search for reason... through days which turn to seasons
    Seeking the corresponding path that will lead on route to meet my Jesus
    Wording was a bit choppy and vocab use was simple but the flow was excellent and the content was great man you pulled it together to take away sucha poetic feel and add a new RAP FLOW TOPICAL POETIC VIBE man... which wasa nice execution from you bruh nice shit man.

    Until.......

    A friend in need is a pest, but let me look through his eyes for a sec...

    The CEO Friend...:
    thousands left unemployed, bankruptcy a blunder? I wonder where are we
    I'm off the map, the company's under... and I'm really feelin Ferrari's
    To new heights I can reach, as ME is now the ONLY thing which I seek
    and I ain't going to hell, unless hell is a mansion on a tropical beach
    And still for words i seek, yet i continue to stumble through slurring speech
    I can get all that I need, but still possess an emptiness down deep...
    But, Of money I reek!
    & I'll leave so many jobless, cuz in this culture, u do whatever happiness cost
    So it's not a surprising I tossed faith for lies when me and temptation crossed
    What have I lost? I'm on top, so consider me sleazy with this advice I'm given
    Once you make greed and envy your friends this world is a lot easier to live in


    Client: "So you mean, sell ALL of my shares?"

    With these words said, I turned instead an opposed view of these maladies
    Why not put myself ahead of others when God is dead in our new reality?
    Why be mad at me? And if god wanted me to stop, it gets strangely odd
    Cuz I haven't felt his presence in a while... & my conscience won't do the job
    So this withered path I step, it just won't last to trek, this is okay tho
    Cuz now I've joined the millions of others with horns..... to hold up my halo
    some words should have been spelled correctly...dont ever substitute a word for a slang...kills it and makes it look trashy...so change that but this was a nice way to end it...i loved your story line through out man props on this big ups dude..and keep writing...
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  10. #10
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    Thanks for the feedback, and the inspiration man.

  11. #11
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    This was by far a different peice from our collab. You wnt from a dope, clown sotry. To a serius story. I never saw such a intake on a topic like this. It was very, different. I liked it though. The wordplay was strong and thought out, mature and well placed. The Imagenation was there, very creative. The image i saw was differentfrom the picture, which is good. Means you are showing us rather then telling us. The Emotion was deep, impactive. The Flow was great. But a predictable outcome, work a bit on that or tad it up better. Nice read though, keep it up.

  12. #12
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Inside Pandora's Box filled with C.r.e.w. of Ill Humor. and Aces High
    Posts
    646
    Battle Record
    5-9

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    this was a real nice piece..i liked the imagery
    wich was dope in every way..and the emotion
    was what really set this thing off..it came out real nice
    and the structure was on point with this one too..nice drop
    stay up and keep writin

  13. #13

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    hommie that was tha tight as hell man.i respect u 4 that

  14. #14

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    good peice. excellent imagery consistantly throughout. good flow, good rhymes. topic was very interesting and it showed a lot of creativity within the peice. overall a very well written peice. good job overall. keep writing

  15. #15

    Re: Hold Your Halos

    I like the political edge to it. My favorite part is the last line. Such hot imagery to have horns holding up your halo. Probably the sickest thing about this piece.

    I agree with other feedbacks, rhyme was simple, but creative, and there's some intelligence behind the prose, so that's always a better start than most.

    Keep it up,
    Peace,
    Watt$

Similar Threads

  1. when radios have halos and streets have teeth
    By Visionary in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: April 11th, 2008, 03:20 PM
  2. Hold Your Halos
    By Alphabetized in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: June 19th, 2007, 12:12 AM
  3. Hold You Down
    By Prince Escobar in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: August 28th, 2004, 01:13 AM
  4. Hold On To You
    By A77iCuS in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: January 1st, 2004, 02:52 PM
  5. Hold of me
    By Ibro_Palic in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: July 2nd, 2002, 11:52 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •