The Tar Pit feat. Johnny 6-feet (OM HoF Piece)

[Leonidas]

1st Part-Johnny
2nd Part-West

The Tar Pit
The contestants circle each other, beware of sudden death
The crowd watches the condemned with bloodlust and interest
The head spectator in his throne utters mocking laughs
These criminals who tried to rob him are now locked in fast
The tar pit, located in the depths of the underworld
Where people kill for survival, fatalities of a hundred girls
And a thousand men, thrown out the pen, bodies bleeding and broken
It's harsh justice, tyrannical rule, seething when spoken
Strapped with crude blades as big money bets are made
Odds are given on which slave will make his grave
Now the combat begins, ruthless purging of sins
Both fighters hell bent on the purpose to win

Strategic planning comes into play, for whom will live
The winning face will be met by the king to solemnly forgive
The blades come out while their sweat glistens in the sun
King reaches over to ring a bell, for the match of death has begun
Fire rises from the depth and the jagged rocks shift
All praying to God for life as their spirits welcome a lift
There is a boy amongst the fury, he’s only but 8
How can death succumb to young at such an innocent fate
One woman fighting in the Tar Pit, her heart in tears
How can her mother see her like this, after being absent for years
The rest are men, ages varying 16 to 42, death is guarantee
Survival is fitted, but all the while their fighting evil to flee
Running at each other but slowly backing down
The crowd yells in amusement, all of sudden an ear piercing sound
The ground above shakes, cracks of light are seeing thru hope
Tears wrenching back as this life is slowly easier to cope
Two hands extend as the condemned prisoners go to clutch
If they were stumbling before, this was their savior’s crutch
God lifts them to the heavens above as the crowd screams
Hell’s holding the spectators from going as the Kings tear gleams
All the while the Devil was in the form of their king’s disguise
None of them were fighting death, as they already met their demise
They were fighting for life amongst the heavens, keep faith strong
Beating the odds of the tar pit, residing where they rightfully belong

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=5686516
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=5686526

[Leonidas]

up...

[Dat]

Pretty nicely written on both parts.

J6F was as always on point with the flow of the lines and the content you can cram in, without sacrificing good use of space.
Every verse i read from you seems to provide me with a nice and complete meal. I feel completely entertained after reading your writing as it's full of illustration, and you don't waste time with complicated jibber jabber - proving you're one of the more advanced writers. I would have enjoyed a longer verse on your part though.

West i feel you could polish your language a little more, it seemed a little cluttered and you used words in places where they really could have been better placed or substituted.
There's no single example to point out, but it should help you to maybe try removing words that seem to disrupt a smooth flow - and submit them with easier words. An important thing to remember though is never sacrifice it so much that you lose quality in your content. That will be perfected with experience though.

As for the topic, it's a pretty interesting approach. I feel both could have linked verses a little better, as the story of what was happening really stretched apart at times, and especially in West's verse; there seemed to be too much going on and too little being described well enough.
Good choice of words were used, i liked alot of the language that helped to paint out the setting; words fitting a category of battle and despair, some word quite regimental giving it a certain nobility to a highly anticipated event.

Good read from both, keep writing. Peace.

[Dope Fresh.]

I mean shyt, D^ pretty much explained what i was goin to say, the flow = good, imagery = good, setting of the plot = very well put, the expression/emotion of the piece = very well put in. I would just have to say keep droppin pieces and if u not, surprised ur not a HOF'r by now, but its to come....good job family.

[Messiah.]

Nice piece it had dope emotion form the start and imagery was very good. Your storyline was nice and your precision was very much on point...Can't leave amazing feed cause i'm in a rush but a very nice piece and good read, Thanks.

-Thomas

[Leonidas]

Rise up.

[Leonidas]

^up again....

[Leonidas]

Any more feed?