Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must

[Spoken]

thanks sharp respectable feed and tips well taken man

[P. Mortuus]

Okay this was a great poem, haven't read poems for a long time and to read pure poetry again from such a piece was good.

The mistakes first of all: I found you put in some words which didn't belong e.g. "My" in the line "My them rest for the sun to rise". I don't know it seemed unneeded. Okay, another thing i found that near the middle part you seemed to go off in your own world, which was kind of disconnecting to say the least.

The good parts: Well taking the odd mistakes aside this was an excellent piece man, oozing emotion and the picture perfect line was one i probably liked most in the whole piece. Furthermore, you managed to really bring the emotion to birsting brim. Really in the face of the reader na mean. The reader could feel the emotions that your words portrayed and this was an excellent assett to have, to be able to connect to the reader. Okay, the main and killer punch of this poem was the closing stanza/verse. It basically rounded up and organised all the emotions into one category, Loss...maybe loss of a loved one or a love lost, i don't know.

Overall, i liked this piece, it was very very good with all of the right aspects needed. A few touch ups would make it great. However, I sincerely hope this has nothing to do with your child's mother. Stay up^ man.

if and whenever, an honest vote would assist in this battle:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...al-339563.html