"As the Dawn Fades" - Jonathon & Johnny 6-feet

[Jon]

"As the Dawn Fades" - Jonathon & Johnny 6-feet

Johnny 6-feet (Normal)
Jonathon (Itallics)


As the dawn fades, releases its grip on the everglades
A town descends into darkness and will be forever changed
The scene moves into the graveyard, the edge of civilization
An old mausoleum undergoes a transformation
Locked away for age's, in this coffin-like cage for men
Within its dark depths, a new gruesome rage begins
Atop the highest castle, remains a dead man in shackles
A blood-thirsty problem that modern society can't tackle
The roar starts low, muffled by stone's weight
The lid bursts, hits the ceiling, a thrown slate
There’s a blur from the casket, gone in the blink of an eye
Terror speeds into the night as the sun sinks in the sky
Vorador is now looking for a door, searching by instincts
Speaking lacks, he seeks the facts, in his crippled physique
He's growing weak, seeking for a weakling to feast on
His urge for the priest who deceased him, cease at dawn
And as the landscape flies by, fragments of memory rise
The birth of his curse, that day of horrendous surprise
His sire, who possessed him, bled him, resurrected him
Taught him laws of his new race, nurtured and protected him
Yanos; a Vampire prophet of underworld society
The night raids they made together, the victims who tried to flee
And the pain of loss, the demon hunts, executions by guillotines
His isolation, his thirst for revenge, the bloody killings scenes
He reaches town, no memories now, his hunger takes control
Patrolling his sight, he sees delight in his goal of taking souls
Drain their bodies of blood, lurking from behind some shrubs
A smirk lets out, as he peers through the windows of pubs
He patiently waits, and then, with a skilled hunters grace
In an instant, he attacks the victim, without time to embrace
This poor rover slumps over, he was very drunk, and older
As for Vorador, his pours sweat and his body's left anti-sober


The Priest's Point of View:
I sat in my armchair, reflecting on the day's sermon
'The Wrath of God's Justice' the righteousness of sin's purging
A glass of well aged whisky resting in my hand
And the fireplace warmed my tired face, a blessed, contented man
I thought of old hunts, heretics, burned at the stake
Unholy creatures purified by flames...'ahhh...our works were great'
The wife is cooking dinner, her beauty still stunned me
A taste of honey brought by the right weight of money
I fell to napping, nose caressed by kitchen smells from my amour
Then all of a sudden came a tapping at my chamber door
I groggily sat up and walked, steadying myself on the mantle
Straightened up, brushed my coat clean and reached for the handle...


Eager to kill, willing to deal with any circumstance that happens
Footsteps approach, a roach crosses my path, as my foot flattens
I've been waiting many years, and by this action I'm sincere
My eyes focus, as a slight crack of light before me appears
I can sense his fear, as I ambush the door knocking it back
A scream I hear, as he falls on the floor, I'm quick to attack
His wife stands alone, in the corner writing a note, watching
While I, with evil eyes, despise this man, thinking and plotting
For beauty, this sign of relief, was only shown by a sigh
Knowing that she took money over love, seeing the lie
I savored the priest's blood, from the veins in which it came
I finished him, snapped his neck, and tossed him in the flame
Glanced over at his wife, she wasn't bothered by the scene
I wanted her life, and so I took her and crowned my queen
So quickly we leave, I look to make her one of my own
I'll give up everything for her; I now know I'm not alone
We arrived back home, and I made her a throne of gold
To stay beside me through my days, as a vampire soul
I placed a coffin beside mine, as the crack of dawn begins
And we close the tops, in hiding from all our devilish sins

2 weeks later....

As the dawn fades, releases its grip on the everglades
A town descends into darkness and will be forever changed
The scene moves into the graveyard, the edge of civilization
An old mausoleum undergoes a transformation
My eyes open in the darkness, and yet I see clear
My nature is fully changed now; it’s easy to breathe here
I push the lid off the coffin and, standing over me smiling
My new man, skin of ivory, blue eyes with love behind them
He crushes me to him passionately, tell me he loves me
"I was alone for so long." he whispers as he hugs me
Truthfully, I feel no remorse for my poor deceased preacher
Eternal life is mine now; my companion is a lover and teacher
So night by night we hunt, explore the beauty of darkness
Even demons need romance, although our movements are heartless...
Through blood and sweat, we view our world with a fractured, torn gaze
Every night's a new adventure, every time the dawn fades

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...an-333985.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ar-333888.html

[Laureate]

no apostrophe in 'its' in the first line.
coffin-like should have a hyphen

"This poor rover slumps over, he was very drunk, and older
As for Vorador, his pours sweat and his body's left anti-sober"
awkwardly worded, too many 1 syllable words in a row

"Then all of a sudden came a tapping at my chamber door
I groggily sat up and walked, steadying myself on the mantle
Straightened up, brushed my coat clean and reached for the handle..."
reminds me of The tell tale Heart and the Raven by edgar allen poe

Dont know why the priest part is in quotes since he doesnt directly say anything


"His wife stands alone, in the corner on the phone, watching"
Would she really be on the phone in this setting? You set this up as old school Translyvania, talking about witch hunts, burning heretics at the stake dont think they had phones....internal rhymes are dumb if they don't make sense.


ok, thought you two wrote very well together, some wording situations here and there, good job seting up and portraying the story. The phone part threw the story off for me, I think you sacrificed rhyming for coherency, no real twists in this, pretty straigh forward. Overall a good collab


please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-334113.html

[Jon]

no apostrophe in 'its' in the first line.
coffin-like should have a hyphen

"This poor rover slumps over, he was very drunk, and older
As for Vorador, his pours sweat and his body's left anti-sober"
awkwardly worded, too many 1 syllable words in a row

"Then all of a sudden came a tapping at my chamber door
I groggily sat up and walked, steadying myself on the mantle
Straightened up, brushed my coat clean and reached for the handle..."
reminds me of The tell tale Heart and the Raven by edgar allen poe

Dont know why the priest part is in quotes since he doesnt directly say anything


"His wife stands alone, in the corner on the phone, watching"
Would she really be on the phone in this setting? You set this up as old school Translyvania, talking about witch hunts, burning heretics at the stake dont think they had phones....internal rhymes are dumb if they don't make sense.


ok, thought you two wrote very well together, some wording situations here and there, good job seting up and portraying the story. The phone part threw the story off for me, I think you sacrificed rhyming for coherency, no real twists in this, pretty straigh forward. Overall a good collab


please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-334113.html

thanks for the feed, my bad about the phone part, I changed it to 'writing a note'

but thanks for the feed,

[NiNjah Red]

WOW this is ong JOn

but imma read what I can now in few minutes and maybe get back to u on rest .....ya nah mean...lol


O... 2 of U A



2 Jons....ha!

& 6 is normal, ha/ 6 feet is realy abnormal


crazy vocab and flow tho J6. was feelin that from the start of your flow......... some nice rhymes as well f'sho, good expression, seemed to have an underlying of anfer and freshness,


Vorador is now looking for a door, searching by instincts
Speaking lacks, he seeks the facts, in his crippled physique
He's growing weak, seeking for a weakling to feast on
His urge for the priest who deceased him, cease at dawn
And as the landscape flies by, fragments of memory rise
The birth of his curse, that day of horrendous surprise


I liked the way these bars pieced together and flowed.. a few of 6's wording patterns seemed to be a bit off-keyish, < what ever that means , i mean somewha forced wordings that are in some way not scholarly or poetic, but those were just a few in error, and not a major problem to this rap

His wife stands alone, in the corner writing a note, watching
While I, with evil eyes, despise this man, thinking and plotting

^ nice flow mixed with a blatant imagery from Jona......

>
Drain their bodies of blood, lurking from behind some shrubs
A smirk lets out, as he peers through the windows of pubs
was a cool crack at a touch of humour / madness withion metathor and rhyme , I reckon...lol.all in all Jona seemed to have Nice wording and flow, / cool f'sho. illy imagery,


I sort of skipped to the end at this point, and kinda found the end bar to be a bot of an anti-climax as such, . i mean i reckon you cpuld of made the dawn fade before the ending, and then ended with more of a bang perhaps, . (just a suggestion)


nice work ya'll prepared together..


PZ

[Jon]

WOW this is ong JOn

but imma read what I can now in few minutes and maybe get back to u on rest .....ya nah mean...lol


O... 2 of U A



2 Jons....ha!

& 6 is normal, ha/ 6 feet is realy abnormal


crazy vocab and flow tho J6. was feelin that from the start of your flow......... some nice rhymes as well f'sho, good expression, seemed to have an underlying of anfer and freshness,


Vorador is now looking for a door, searching by instincts
Speaking lacks, he seeks the facts, in his crippled physique
He's growing weak, seeking for a weakling to feast on
His urge for the priest who deceased him, cease at dawn
And as the landscape flies by, fragments of memory rise
The birth of his curse, that day of horrendous surprise


I liked the way these bars pieced together and flowed.. a few of 6's wording patterns seemed to be a bit off-keyish, < what ever that means , i mean somewha forced wordings that are in some way not scholarly or poetic, but those were just a few in error, and not a major problem to this rap

His wife stands alone, in the corner writing a note, watching
While I, with evil eyes, despise this man, thinking and plotting

^ nice flow mixed with a blatant imagery from Jona......

>
Drain their bodies of blood, lurking from behind some shrubs
A smirk lets out, as he peers through the windows of pubs
was a cool crack at a touch of humour / madness withion metathor and rhyme , I reckon...lol.all in all Jona seemed to have Nice wording and flow, / cool f'sho. illy imagery,


I sort of skipped to the end at this point, and kinda found the end bar to be a bot of an anti-climax as such, . i mean i reckon you cpuld of made the dawn fade before the ending, and then ended with more of a bang perhaps, . (just a suggestion)


nice work ya'll prepared together..


PZ

thanks man.. the bolded lines were mine though =/

anyways, thanks sorry for taking so long.

[~Realistic~]

that was sicccccccck

[Jon]

uppin.

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...im-334213.html

uppin

[Soule]

.

This was over all a amazing peice. It was jsut so fluent and BLAM!
Jonathon And Johnny. Came out the same. You had such passion and will with your writing in this peice. Liek you told me in the PM, it was by far you best yet. 6 time hall of famer? When my feed is done, I promise you'll be a 7 time HoFer. Your wordplay, reluctent and placed EXACTLY where it should have been. And I love that. Flow was so nice and un-matchable. Yeah, people can rhyme words and words, one after another. But that's not what you did here dude. You took strong, passionate words and made them rhyme in the spots they needed to be. That's a great thing to do with a peice now days. Because msot can't do that, nor can they have the right wording that they need. Now to your imagination. Wow kid, that was really nice. Like you were living what you were writing. Like it was happening ruight there and then as you wrote about it. And if a writer can do what you did. Then they have something Great. You, have something farther down the road of great man. Emotion is last, but not least. And all I must say for that is. I, Felt, It.

Nominated.
Do me a favor and RTF with my peice.

it's in poetic scriptures called Capture The Flag.

[Jon]

^ yeah.. thanks man..

yeah J6F's 150th piece I think?

my like, 50th.. but yeah.. thanks for feed, i'll try to get at that shit asap, but i got a lot of shit to do, you know? well.. thanks.


Edit: That's 190th man -Johnny

[Soule]

Sorry for the free post but are you down to collab some time soon?

[Jon]

uppin.. sheesh