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Thread: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon



    Thoughts fly by my mind,
    like rocket armed butterflys'.
    Blowing the many wigs off,
    of lier's heads to open their,
    minds, and allow the pressure,
    to fall along the others,
    brothers complete the fixture,
    in a magnificant trough mixture.

    Take a look at me, I'll comtemplate suicide, limb by limb, tree by tree
    Each stroke pleads to make me think back, reminding love, reluctantly
    A kiss of death, could be a kids last breath, the pain's almost gone...
    For better or worse, I strive to crack a smile, before the crack of dawn
    Whether or not this could be my last hour, I'm atop the tallest tower
    I rain tears upon those below me, only bestowing a small shower
    Running images through my head, of the past and future of me dead
    From the frightening creatures, I fled... but now I'm the suture instead
    No longer scared, as I just stare down death through its very skull
    In this pickle, he swung the sickle unto me, but I found it fairly dull

    Around the playground,
    the blood hound sniff's for blood.
    All the evidence washed away,
    from minor's who begin to flood.
    They pet and praise the dog,
    with joy and supporting laughter.
    Then out of the tree's I fell,
    a few seconds shortly after.

    Children scream, bag's bomb under their eyes, thinking its just a dream
    Looking into the after-life, I hear cries, taking the pain to a new extreme
    I knew what I had to do, and I knew that my end was getting near,
    Blood dripped as a tear from my ear, and it appeared my time stopped here
    The stress, compressed with years of hate, apologies a bit too late
    Led me to believe, why I'm in a blood filled lake, closed in by heaven's gate

    The stairway to my savior,
    the flavor of relief I savor.
    Waiting forever for 10 seconds,
    which of now it beckons.

    Everyone has to go some way,
    many are different of coarse.
    A few today, a few tomorrow,
    and a few die with remorse.
    Last edited by Jon; April 6th, 2007 at 01:36 PM
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Last edited by Jon; April 6th, 2007 at 01:22 PM
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    deine mutter BeRLin`S BesT's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    dude you definately got some going right now...seems like every piece u drop is special...congrats on never ceasing to amaze me...holmes glad ur part of my fam..lol
    now this piece was great....I loved the flowing poetry...don't wanna start quoting cuz the whole drop is nice...jus keep at it dog...pz
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    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    nice drop here flow was good and the creativeness was followed well in this man...really i liked how you could flip things into diffrent angles for people to see from other point of view ya heard..this was nice drop man... i was into your vibe aswell.. as to you wording it really nicely and your content in this was good man... things were nicely fitted didnt see much of a flaw nor did i see anything overdone i think it was a good drop and i was really feeling this man nice job.
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  5. #5
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    thanks yall, uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  6. #6
    Yes.
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    Dude your on a roll. This is a very motivational piece for me to drop an OM. Originality is totally there along with great concepts and nonpreschool lines. good drop man...nice flow and im likeing the structure alot. great jobb
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    Mr. Why So? Cyrious's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    Dang Jonathon, i aint read none of your work in awhile now, its good to see you are improving.....well anyway, i did like this piece, this had great emotion, took views from every point and put them together to make more since and understanding....your flow was on point with the hol piece. I like this style u put together, the small parts with words that gave a lot of description and the longer parts that gave even more of description. With this piece you got straight to the point, every line made since, you wrote everything that was shown in the picture plus more...nice job and keep it up.
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    [YOUTUBE]uI0Ebq1OBTI[/YOUTUBE]

  8. #8
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    thank you.. uppin
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  9. #9
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    This was definately a dope piece my man. You have definately improved, i've seen you become such an established writer and i'm proud haha . You give a very nice description in this piece and the emotion carried the piece. I felt that the picture fit nicelty with the piece after i had read it at first i was wtf...lol but it worked out nice in the end. The wording was aiight and your rhymescheme was very much on point aswell. Your grammar was fine and your precision was very nice also, It had a good fluency about it which made the piece read really well, and the line length switches made the piece changed points and ish very good, and i have to agree with A.J that this was a motivational piece man, so all i have left to say is that this is was a very good piece and thanks for the read. Good job.

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  10. #10
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    thanks all! uppin!

    I'll get to your links asap
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  11. #11
    Mr. Why So? Cyrious's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

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  12. #12
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    You're getting a lot more consistent. The only problem I had with this piece was the stretched lines and I didnt particularly like the first stanza. I felt like some of the words you chose to use could've been avoided to shorten the length of your bars. Anyway, the flow was decent throughout...the transition was a bit iffy, but it managed as the storyline progressed. My favorite was your creative and the different POV's you kind of provided us with..that's what I mean about consistency, which is your knack for creativity. This was cool. Keep dropping.
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  13. #13
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    thanks nique. thanks all of you..
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  14. #14
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  15. #15
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: "And a few die with remorse" - Jonathon

    uppin.. a few more please
    Artificial.Intelligence

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