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Thread: Enslaved Rebel

  1. #1
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Enslaved Rebel

    Verse 1- Mr. Write
    Verse 2- Rival
    Verse 3- ab0ve




    Links of outer space engage conversation
    Speaking widowed tongues; disguised evaluation
    Repeated sins glitter on this galactic catastrophe
    Animosity sits firm on the stone of death colored mahogany
    Brute force is haltered through, defense ground zero
    Near the pits of hates, your brain burns to see clear though
    I’m here soul, moving vividly with repercussions
    I stand for nothing only meaningless love in discussion
    Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean
    Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream
    Down the waterfalls of mercury and splashed dead
    Awake… I snap forward... tapping windows with life after death

    Doctor please check once again I keep having these nightmares...

    My nerves shiver with fear and dangle over pressure
    A lecture towards my own scarcity and champagne compressor
    I sip another drip… as I reload the clip, one last kiss
    So I blow it away... BANG... my fear I forever live with




    Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown
    Side-tracked, distracted by the ease of the harp in the background
    Now the visions are clear with the heart of hardcore clones
    Silent fate this lustful dispute in the dimension of a war zone
    Forsaken the cords playing to the retreat to covenants
    Though the silhouette craving made lust more voluptuous
    Silent killers dwell in the position of mind to murder me
    And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery
    See the rebels show flaws when they kill the innocent
    Living by no rules, displays what their independence is
    In this dream and silent sleep never a sound so sweet
    Was the alarm clock to alarm me, your almost out of the deep
    Just death awaits around the corner, I can't prevent it
    Romeo and Juliet fate the conclusion would be appended
    Breathe and lungs suspended, for the lack of life
    Was the willing to give up my brain as a sacrifice
    The sorcerer was cuffing us in the spellbinding theme
    So it all ended before I died, in the most vibrant dream


    Doctor please give me something to make these dreams leave me...


    I want to sleep easy, and have no worries any longer
    Give me anything you have that might make me any stronger
    The doctor proposes "Sorry to say, but I have nothing left...
    I can give you an internal sleep, so you can evaluate death"
    There must be some other way, or even a sick twist
    So blow it away...BANG...my fear forever I live with




    Keep moving on, the metaphysical is wishing
    Without death, I am still in a critical condition
    The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes
    Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night
    Born in fright and left here as a novelty animal
    Wounds sting from bites of groveling cannibals
    So I don't live in fear of what is known as false
    I just don't think that I can live on my own at all
    Droning calls with unknown cracks and splatters
    But ignore my ignorance, it's no fact that matters
    Demons have to scatter, but that's not good news
    When you hide from an evil, that lives inside you

    Doctor please exorcise me and remove the demons...

    I'm stuck, my horizons broaden without expansion
    Glued to the evil I allow, knowing doubt, it happens
    But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch
    Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with


    THE NIGHT MAYOR

    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  2. #2
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Last edited by Brandon Cee; April 4th, 2007 at 02:48 AM
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    bumping......for some feed, dont sleep on this
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  4. #4
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    Mr Write- Nice stuff man, i liked how you portrayed the chaos of the picture with the imagery and vocab you used in your piece. The rhyme scheme was solid. Occasionally the verse became hard to understand but that fitted in with the feel of the picture.

    Rival- Much of the same praise i gave Mr Write is due to you as well. I liked how this tied in with the previous verse in terms of its broken imagery and the mood of the narrator. The dream state of the piece made for intriguing reading and kept me interested despite the length. Good work.

    abOve- A different tone in here brought this collab to a close nicely. Easier to understand vocab mixed in with the feelings of the narrator. I liked the religious commentary and different ending to the first 2 verses. Great imagery and solid rhyme scheme as well.

    Overall this was a dope collab, Po 'ethics must be big on good teamwork. You all impressed me. Good work.

    Kee posting and please rtf: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...gs-332270.html

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  5. #5
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    ^^lol there both IJL and im Po'ethics but word.

    ill hit that!
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  6. #6
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    Lemme get at this in a second...

    Or several.

    But yeah, I'll be back.

  7. #7
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    Man this piece was ill all over, cough cough, seriously though very good imagery, it all flowed together smoothly which is a must in collabs, i dont know how many i peep and they all spitting something different ya'll worked well together.....not a whole lotta room for elevation but i suppose keep doing what you three doing, i really liked the concept of this too, overall id have to say 9.5/10

    yeah be easy

  8. #8
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    ^^
    thanks and BTK no rush man...take ya time just hit this up when you have time
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  9. #9
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    Links of outer space engage conversation
    Speaking widowed tongues; disguised evaluation
    Repeated sins glitter on this galactic catastrophe
    Animosity sits firm on the stone of death colored mahogany
    Brute force is haltered through, defense ground zero
    Near the pits of hates, your brain burns to see clear though
    I’m here soul, moving vividly with repercussions
    I stand for nothing only meaningless love in discussion
    Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean
    Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream
    Down the waterfalls of mercury and splashed dead
    Awake… I snap forward... tapping windows with life after death

    Doctor please check once again I keep having these nightmares...

    My nerves shiver with fear and dangle over pressure
    A lecture towards my own scarcity and champagne compressor
    I sip another drip… as I reload the clip, one last kiss
    So I blow it away... BANG... my fear I forever live with
    An Ok verse, sometimes seemed to ramble a bit, and your wording was off and on, rhyme scheme was alright, think you tried to hard sometimes on it, I wasn’t feeling the ending, thought it was too cliché and expected, liked the metaphors you used and the feeling of chaos you presented

    Quote Originally Posted by Rival
    Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown
    Side-tracked, distracted by the ease of the harp in the background
    Now the visions are clear with the heart of hardcore clones
    Silent fate this lustful dispute in the dimension of a war zone
    Forsaken the cords playing to the retreat to covenants
    Though the silhouette craving made lust more voluptuous
    Silent killers dwell in the position of mind to murder me
    And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery
    See the rebels show flaws when they kill the innocent
    Living by no rules, displays what their independence is
    In this dream and silent sleep never a sound so sweet
    Was the alarm clock to alarm me, your almost out of the deep
    Just death awaits around the corner, I can't prevent it
    Romeo and Juliet fate the conclusion would be appended
    Breathe and lungs suspended, for the lack of life
    Was the willing to give up my brain as a sacrifice
    The sorcerer was cuffing us in the spellbinding theme
    So it all ended before I died, in the most vibrant dream


    Doctor please give me something to make these dreams leave me...


    I want to sleep easy, and have no worries any longer
    Give me anything you have that might make me any stronger
    The doctor proposes "Sorry to say, but I have nothing left...
    I can give you an internal sleep, so you can evaluate death"
    There must be some other way, or even a sick twist
    So blow it away...BANG...my fear forever I live with
    Some words were way out of place, perform is misspelled, some words just seemed awkward, “awoke” should be awake, don’t mess with tenses too much, “willing” should be willingness or will. These small things throw off the rhythm of the read. Rhyming was decent, liked the comparison to the ending in the 1st verse. You had some nice lines, liked the alarm clock one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Above
    Keep moving on, the metaphysical is wishing
    Without death, I am still in a critical condition
    The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes
    Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night
    Born in fright and left here as a novelty animal
    Wounds sting from bites of groveling cannibals
    So I don't live in fear of what is known as false
    I just don't think that I can live on my own at all
    Droning calls with unknown cracks and splatters
    But ignore my ignorance, it's no fact that matters
    Demons have to scatter, but that's not good news
    When you hide from an evil, that lives inside you

    Doctor please exorcise me and remove the demons...

    I'm stuck, my horizons broaden without expansion
    Glued to the evil I allow, knowing doubt, it happens
    But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch
    Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with
    Wording could be worked on to improve the read, small things like taking out “I am” in the second line and adding another syllable or two before the comma, “torn” is in the wrong tense, didn’t get a real sense of closure from the ending, if you’re the third verse you have to end it soundly which I didn’t think you did. Rhyming was simple, but nothing too bad about it.




    Overall this was an ok collab, I liked how you guys tried to make a common theme with the italicized lines and the 4-6 line endings. I think there is a lot of room for improvement though, starting with proofreading each others work before posting. Liked the incorporation in the pictures although I’m not sure they benefited the piece much.
    A few achievements here and there

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  10. #10
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    ^^
    yes sir thank you...we all did this an span of..what you think guys?....40 min. it was like a quick rush of thoughts....but thanks ben i liekd yoru breakdown
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  11. #11
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    damn man stopping sleeping on this shit....BUMP!
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  12. #12
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    Links of outer space engage conversation
    Speaking widowed tongues; disguised evaluation
    Repeated sins glitter on this galactic catastrophe
    Animosity sits firm on the stone of death colored mahogany
    Brute force is haltered through, defense ground zero
    Near the pits of hates, your brain burns to see clear though
    I’m here soul, moving vividly with repercussions
    I stand for nothing only meaningless love in discussion
    Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean
    Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream
    Down the waterfalls of mercury and splashed dead
    Awake… I snap forward... tapping windows with life after death

    Doctor please check once again I keep having these nightmares...

    My nerves shiver with fear and dangle over pressure
    A lecture towards my own scarcity and champagne compressor
    I sip another drip… as I reload the clip, one last kiss
    So I blow it away... BANG... my fear I forever live with
    Some parts here were quite awkward... like you're saying a lot of things and not following up on them to give them any substance... "Widowed tongues", "galactic catastrophe," "brute force is haltered through," "Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream." is just entirely strange... I get a lot if, cuz this piece is about dreams and dreams are skippy and weird, its just I think you could have made this less vague or developed some of the ideas that you just kind of kept rolling with for rhyme's sake... I will say to your credit that the flow at most times is pretty good, only once in a while is there a syllable miscount that irks it, but mostly it read fine, just a little head-scratching.

    Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown
    Side-tracked, distracted by the ease of the harp in the background
    Now the visions are clear with the heart of hardcore clones
    Silent fate this lustful dispute in the dimension of a war zone
    Forsaken the cords playing to the retreat to covenants
    Though the silhouette craving made lust more voluptuous
    Silent killers dwell in the position of mind to murder me
    And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery
    See the rebels show flaws when they kill the innocent
    Living by no rules, displays what their independence is
    In this dream and silent sleep never a sound so sweet
    Was the alarm clock to alarm me, your almost out of the deep
    Just death awaits around the corner, I can't prevent it
    Romeo and Juliet fate the conclusion would be appended
    Breathe and lungs suspended, for the lack of life
    Was the willing to give up my brain as a sacrifice
    The sorcerer was cuffing us in the spellbinding theme
    So it all ended before I died, in the most vibrant dream


    Doctor please give me something to make these dreams leave me...


    I want to sleep easy, and have no worries any longer
    Give me anything you have that might make me any stronger
    The doctor proposes "Sorry to say, but I have nothing left...
    I can give you an internal sleep, so you can evaluate death"
    There must be some other way, or even a sick twist
    So blow it away...BANG...my fear forever I live with
    "Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown" -the first line is so weird. I dunno. It's like you had just put the weed out and it sounded cool to you. How can you possibly "bring" an "extract" "frown" ? That is just ludicrous, so immediately I am like, "Fuck, this guy has no idea where he's going." Then it really gets going and I really get a good sense that this a dream, I'm not crazy about the flow, but I immediately got the sense of my own dreams, especially the bad ones, where the alarm clock is like the greatest thing cuz u know its over.. I was feeling it. This line needs fixing: "And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery" It's awake... and perform is typo'd which in a collab is inexcusable, this should be read and re-read before being presented by whoever put it together, so, that's a fuck-up and I don't like the line... but overall a good verse.

    Keep moving on, the metaphysical is wishing
    Without death, I am still in a critical condition
    The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes
    Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night
    Born in fright and left here as a novelty animal
    Wounds sting from bites of groveling cannibals
    So I don't live in fear of what is known as false
    I just don't think that I can live on my own at all
    Droning calls with unknown cracks and splatters
    But ignore my ignorance, it's no fact that matters
    Demons have to scatter, but that's not good news
    When you hide from an evil, that lives inside you

    Doctor please exorcise me and remove the demons...

    I'm stuck, my horizons broaden without expansion
    Glued to the evil I allow, knowing doubt, it happens
    But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch
    Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with
    Starts off fine. Then this little ditty, "The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes, Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night" I wonder how it "torn" your eyes. Sounds idiotic. And if it won't bring light to dark, I don't get the conjunction "yet" for the next part, "I mourn at night." It's not a logical deduction, it's like saying "I'm hot, but I need a jacket." Just odd. The rest is nice desciriptions of a dream state and its fine, then this ending stuck out like a penguin in the sarangetti. "But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch, Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with." The hell way is that to end this entire verse it never had the connotation of religion until that.

    Oh-kay, everything I didn't complain about was good, so like 90%, I'm just trying to help everybody I feel like really analyzing line-by-line I hope you guys see what I mean and build from it or tell me what you meant by your wordings that maybe I missed.

    Peace.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  13. #13
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    ^^
    word nothing missed man thanks for your time
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  14. #14
    I see you lookin.. stupid Brandon Heat's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    you know I hate breaking joints down man... but I'll say this... joint was done nicely... I've never actually seen ab0ve... but I'm impressed...


    Write I don't get you man... every verses I've ever read from you ends up sounding like a really REALLY smart/dope 50 cent verse lol... nothing wrong about it just the swagger I get sometimes... big head ass mufucka...


    Rival... held your own nicely...


    *pulls a bounce*
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    we see you Cock-A-Roaches looking...

    Coming Soon

  15. #15
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Enslaved Rebel

    word thanks man....cant wait to get on the mic
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