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Thread: Alone she falls, together she stands

  1. #1
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Alone she falls, together she stands

    Alone she falls, together she stands
    I handed her a knife to etch her
    memories into the souls heart
    & to taste her presence clearer
    than the eyes care to speak.
    she scratched a smile upon my
    lips; then slit her name upon
    my forehead so I would never
    forget the words she spoke.
    Torn garments, faded by years
    of seconds passing her by,
    Tinned by cans of beer
    cutting into her livers with
    conviction; lapping up the seas
    with a tidal breath to the moon.
    She is broken, yet not dead
    Guided yet never led
    Silence
    Awkward as it may seem
    the stare convinced me
    she cared; a rose never
    permitted to notice the light
    so a vodka smile must
    suffice for her taste buds.
    She seeks good company
    yet from only one she desires;
    Stolen from her sunshine
    she takes homage in shadows,
    Pulse crying for closure
    As she waltz’s across a
    shattered floor of stone
    unable to stand she falls
    into the arms of safety,
    sinks into the stomach
    of a crimson sofa
    I speak to her words of comfort
    and vanish in the moment as
    she smiles with eyes of serenity
    Silence
    Smoke clouds her vision
    confidence shaken by those
    who can never be named.
    Beauty internal yet can never
    be seen in its true light
    by the cowards who dare
    not look deeper than flesh.
    Makeup hides the hurt for
    at least another moment
    counting down to tears
    ticking the hours like
    clocks in the sand.
    Taking my breath away,
    to good to die, yet afraid
    to live; take my hand
    I will follow you to
    your rainbow, the colours
    will blind your sorrow
    & wash away the salty
    tears with fresh waters
    from waterfalls of refreshment



    Last edited by Poeta Demonio; June 12th, 2009 at 09:08 PM
    AI


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  2. #2
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Vote= she'll want to shag you after this. lol.

    I liked the way you tackled the old 'poem for a girl' subject man, you described her with complex metaphors which were still easy to take in and visualise. Your vocab was strong, came off as intelligent but not pretentious which is sometimes difficult to do. Your imagery was the strongest part of this piece. It drew me right in. The breaking up of the verse worked well as well. Deep stuff man.

    Keep on posting geez.

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  3. #3
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Thanks man, appreciated.

    Upping for sexual feed.
    AI


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  4. #4
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Upping
    AI


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  5. #5
    Comeback Season Mariah's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Poor Poeta, no feed

    I fell in love with this piece to be honest. It may be because it was for a girl and dammit I happen to be a girl too. Cute piece. Very touching and the emotion was exploded all over this piece. The imagery was vivid and was enough to still satisfy the needs of the reader. I, unlike Johnny, didn't like the splitting up of verses, it seemed a bit boring and unnecessary, but overall good piece here Poeta.
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  6. #6
    Comeback Season Mariah's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Last edited by Mariah; March 20th, 2007 at 01:02 AM
    Wu-Tang Forever
    Nothing Was The Same

  7. #7
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Done one, i'll do the other later.

    Upping
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  8. #8
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariah. View Post
    Poor Poeta, no feed

    I fell in love with this piece to be honest. It may be because it was for a girl and dammit I happen to be a girl too. Cute piece. Very touching and the emotion was exploded all over this piece. The imagery was vivid and was enough to still satisfy the needs of the reader. I, unlike Johnny, didn't like the splitting up of verses, it seemed a bit boring and unnecessary, but overall good piece here Poeta.
    Yeah, i understand, but as this was a personal poem to her, the *silence* was actually a part of us, it symbolises something, therfro it wouldn't make sense to anyone but us lol... I fi had wrote this for rb specifically i definately would have left that out, oh and thanks alot for the feed.
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  9. #9
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    65 views, two pieces of feed, wow.

    Upping.
    AI


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  10. #10
    Comeback Season Mariah's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    I'll feed again
    Wu-Tang Forever
    Nothing Was The Same

  11. #11
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    Lol, thanks for the offer!

    Aww, you're cute.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  12. #12
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    upping
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  13. #13
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    I reviewed this piece in the new PS Mag, check it out.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  14. #14
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    dude this was dope man if i was a female and happened to be this chick id let you fuck me like never before dope read bro the imagery was beyond vivid it was beautiful bro aswell was the message dude...you should read this to her man should bring a smile upon her face you'll be a chick magnet, the emotion painted a picture of a million bruv and was heart felt totally, the format was fine aswell was the wordchoice and vocabulary was a nice touch for this peace....was really loving this man it was from your heart and expressed toh concern,care,and love for a good friend straight from your heart
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  15. #15
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Re: Alone she falls, together she stands

    This was nice and simple, i could feel the words you used and the emotion involved, yoru wording was very nicely done here Poeta and the transitionin from lines and thoughts was smooth. You depicted events well, which made for some nice imagery, my one gripe is that I felt sometimes you tried to cram too many syllables and words into a line, the one that stood out to me is the last line of the piece. Good job though on this
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