blowin off steam (6 bars)

[$$T-Bone$$]

folks on the internet don't know how to write a rhyme
post replies on others' works, hopin to find a line
since biting is banned, fake rappers quickly dwindle
free styling is manned, cake rappers simply fizzle
refuse to admit the shit they spit isn't legit
but then some bitch gets rich off sellin his friend's shit
hip-hop is a lifestyle: you eat, breathe, and live it
do it with a bright smile, new feet, sleeves, and gimmick
i'll explain my envision, soon i'll make a decision
which target should i shoot before they all go missin
blow you away with guns, one simple pull of the trigga
will end your raps quicker than DaIllest's role as a n***a
if you think i'm all ears to whatever you have to say
guess again comrade, these facts just dug your grave today

[Boxin Mics]

overall..


when doing a piece like this there isnt really a "structure", so... here and there you had some alright multi's. mostly through the whole piece you used a basic (simple) rhyme scheme.. try to work on that.. no metaphors.. no personification.. no similes.. now im not saying you suck. only thing im gonna do is give you my advice.. try to work on the shit I mention'd that you don't have. need any help? goto "tutorial" forums. see when putting out a piece like this you want people to know what your after. dropping this kinda skill will only get you slept on with no replies.

...BREAKDOWN...
folks on the internet don't know how to write a rhyme
post replies on others' works, hopin to find a line
Seriously this was just blah
since biting is banned, fake rappers quickly dwindle
free styling is manned, cake rappers simply fizzle
Rhyming banned with manned.. cake with fake
Not really the way you wanna go
refuse to admit the shit they spit isn't legit
but then some bitch gets rich off sellin his friend's shit
Used some fillers I see..
hip-hop is a lifestyle: you eat, breathe, and live it
do it with a bright smile, new feet, sleeves, and gimmick
better than most your bars
i'll explain my envision, soon i'll make a decision
which target should i shoot before they all go missin
try to change around ya rhyme schemes (too simple here)
blow you away with guns, one simple pull of the trigga
will end your raps quicker than DaIllest's role as a n***a
probably the dopest bar in this whole piece
if you think i'm all ears to whatever you have to say
guess again comrade, these facts just dug your grave today
too simple again..

wish ya luck, man.. keep droppin...

[$$T-Bone$$]

since biting is banned, fakerappers quickly dwindle
free styling is manned, cakerappers simply fizzle

manned-refers to being a "man"

cake rappers-refers to rappers who are only in it for the money

(sorry but i wrote a similar rap when i was 18 and used it in a LIVE battle against a rapper who had just made it big in my city. as soon as i dropped this bar the crowd went nutz and i went on to win the battle and the prize money= $5,000)

thnx for tha input tho.

[DC aka BeRLin]

thx for displaying ya lifes story in my thread but it was uncalled for....i don't even care nahmean plus half is most likely bs....now to this post....it is way to simple ur rhymes scheme the vocab just not working dude and i'm not hating either...jus step ya game up....pz

[Boxin Mics]

dude no way in hell you used this or a similar rap in any LIVE battle. sorry son but you had no punches at all. where did you LIVE battle at? let me guess... 106th park? lol... -smh-

[Tim]

PM me two feedback links

and ill reopen this