The Bank Robbery

[Johnny 6-feet]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328517
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328437


The Bank Robbery


The heist was an easy one, breaking monotony
Giving the imperial state some sodomy, a daylight robbery
A gang of crooks brought together by wealthy circumstance
Never shook by bad weather, or the risk of chance
The leader was Marquez, a seasoned veteran
Few men were better than, at seizing dividends
The right hand was Fidel, a gunman to give ‘em hell
A sharp shooter, swift looter, unafraid of alarm bells
3 and 4 were Rick and Lefty, the first a getaway driver
Lefty a social climber, his explosives could make ‘em rise up
The blueprints were drawn, a banks vault to assault
One lazy Thursday morning, the stock market on halt
Rick drove them across the road, engine running, feeling bold
Marquez pulled on his mask and the rest he told:

Marquez:
“Fella’s you know the plan well, so fuck the fine details
When convincing a man to pay, damn right the heat sells
Lefty you crowd control ‘em like herding cattle
Fidel, you keep him covered so his nerves don’t rattle
I’ll take our business to the manager, cuff him to a banister
And show him why Marquez’s nicknames ‘the damager’
After he’s a lost a few digits, he’ll part with a few digits
Then we’ll escape sacks with cash big enough to crush midgets
Rick; keep the engine gunning as soon as we run in
Sound out the horn twice if the police is coming
Now, on the count of three, its time to show your guts
Because this jobs starting, no time to hold your nuts!”

The doors exploded inwards courtesy of C4
Clients hit the deck like pissed off sailors, now they see floor
Fidel sprayed the ceiling, the staff got the message;

Fidel:
“Put your hands behind your heads!”

Lefty (to himself):
“Damn, this fucker’s aggressive.”

Marquez broke into a run, kicked the office door open
There sat the manager smoking, eye’s wired wide and hoping
A swift yank on his arm, the flick knife worked a charm
Bit to the bone on his pinky, think he was acting calm?

Manager:
“Please! I’ll tell you anything!”

Marquez:
“Just what I wanted to hear
You’ve got enough funds to buy a fucking college in here
Get me to the safe, and don’t try no funny business
Coz no-one’ll come to witness, you getting a ticket to my shitlist”

A quick trip, another detonation, flying debris
And c-notes rained from the sky, flying and free
Cash was packed up, stacked up and carried with speed

Marquez:
“Boys! I’ve got the stash, no time to tarry, let’s leave!”

The alarm burst into life, 3 fella’s burst out of the smoke
Rick pulled up beside them, his reversing was dope
Sirens blared, but too late, no chance to pull out their guns yet
Because the four amigo’s were specks on the sunset

[Wu banga]

We'll i haven't read books of these text posts, but this is definetly the most thorough and descriptive robbery i've read. You gotta a nice format too, with a great balance of your few multies, and mostly well constructed lines to rhyme good. The flow was even throughout the whole piece. You can't get much better than this, when i read other duke's stuff that say their around your age, i can't believe how wack it is. But ur not one of'em,

Fav lines:Fidel sprayed the ceiling, the staff got the message;

Fidel:
“Put your hands behind your heads!”

Lefty (to himself):
“Damn, this fucker’s aggressive.”

Overall: 9.3/10 i might sound like a dickrider but this shit impressed me.

[Johnny 6-feet]

Cheers Wu banga. Uppin this shit, don't sleep rb.

[HighEngineChief]

Damn that was some dope ass shit. I loved how u turned it into a screenplay type shit but didnt make it cheezy, i had this lil wayne flow in my head while i was reading it. Only thing I had a problem wit is that they got away so easy, i think u should make a 2nd part. put a twist on it, that would be ill. Loved the piece though i thought u worded every line nice and the dialog was even sick. Nice piece through and through
I liked that.

One

[Johnny 6-feet]

Cheers high engine, **kicks thread up** jesus h christ, stop sleeping!!!

[HighEngineChief]

ayo check out my open mic for me fam

[Wu banga]

Duke's don't wanna read this shit cuz its semi-long, even though its the best story shit on the page

[Johnny 6-feet]

Yeah, fucking lazy cuntrags. **boots thread up**

[P. Mortuus]

This isn't long at all lol....may seem dauting in all honesty but one you get in the story it's like bang bang thank you mam lol

I liked the rhyming for most part, there was a hiccup in the flow here and there but then again your getting back into flows so that wasn't a major. PLus i'll say that this is your ACTUAL comeback as other pieces were colabs or short stints at a topic. This however, was good, nice detail and believable characters imo..though you didn't go into each one with detail the breif outline gave a propra narrative to the piece and imo worked to the hilt. All over, this was an interesting, entertaining and light on the mind read. A nice alternative to many emotional or political pieces inlcuding mine lol...good to have you back, hope to see you in SS if your not then sign up for week 2. Stay up^.

[KharN]

I loved this.. really.. imagery was amazing.. multis were nice.. concept was dope.. great storytelling and writing.. def a great piece.. my fave part was this..

"The doors exploded inwards courtesy of C4
Clients hit the deck like pissed off sailors, now they see floor
Fidel sprayed the ceiling, the staff got the message;

Fidel:
“Put your hands behind your heads!”

Lefty (to himself):
“Damn, this fucker’s aggressive.”"

Excellent writing.. dope stuff.. one best pieces i have read in a long time.. keep up and ill keep reading..

9/10

[Johnny 6-feet]

Cheers guys, appriciate the feed, Uppin this one more time.

[Soule]

I liekd it alot man. The wordplay was great. You had every word exactly where it needed to be. And It made a lot of sense as well. The Flow was nice, and the structre was basic and easy to read, that aways good; yeah? the storyline was cool. Not quite HoF quality but, close. Thanks for the read.

[D. Josey]

This was a pretty good OM. The flow was decent, and it was an interesting read that kept my attention throughout the whole piece. The multies in the first stanza were pretty nice, but some phrases seemed a little odd and out of place like the "shitlist" line, which was just plain stupid. And also, the "his reversing was dope" line. That line had to be the wackest I've seen in a while, but overall it was a good piece. I trust you're seasoned enough so I don't have to tell you to check out my piece, but I'll do it anyway.