DePreSSiOn

[Jtime]

when ever i walk theres a shadow behind me
- whenever i look a blindin light hides me
it's hard for me im the contorted figure in the darkness
ive gotta work harder to impress
ive always wunder wot itd be like to be one of you
my brain works overtime but still i dont come thru
everyones so in hospitable
or maybe its me my face unfittable (in the crowd)
my mum always told me 'ur a special kid'
how embarassin is that jus wanna close tha lid
i was the one suseptable to everthing
i need to break outta that bracket thats the thing
some patch work needs to be done
i need to recipicate - recoil and have some fun.....

[Jtime]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/memb...oster&t=328279
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328274

[vocabz]

now dont take this as disrespect... the rhyme scheme is basic (simple).. change that... the next thing.. try upping your vocab just a bit.. you'll be pretty much set.. goto the "tutorials" forum to see a few rhyme schemes you might be interested in for a start... im just being honest with you, yo... look into that forum.. you'll elevate sooner or later... elevation never stops so just keep feedin into it..

[Blayde]

pretty much what vocabz said.... it could be more complex and longer and it seems as though you hav'nt been doing topical for long but either way it was ok 4.5/10

keep em' up

[Wu banga]

Flow on this was uneven on a few lines, the substance was descent, the rhyme schemes were way to basic, like even more basic than too short's. So i would suggest u start rhyming bigger words and phrases, and increase your vocabulary. Once u've done that u should start putting in the metaphors and similes an imagery. There's alotta things u can improve one, i guess this is one of ur first verses. overall 1/5

[Ether Spitter]

aside from the attempt at critical criticism. I dont think dunz like vocabz understands the concepts of differentiation.

Your a young cat, each piece adds more to your mileage and to your growth as a poetic expressor. Ya style was simple. You understand what you mean, but take into consideration that no one else knows you. How do you express a verse and make it universal.

when ever i walk theres a shadow behind me
- whenever i look a blindin light hides me

simple. but think more beyond what a shadow can be and encorperate how the light permiates that image.


when i walk my shadows my personality, we walk hand in hand
dark fallacy, the composition of my existence exists in the light strand

think beyond what each word could potentially express.

some think shadow and see dark. or alter ego. or even an extention of themselves.

keep movin

[vocabz]

^^smh^^

[Ether Spitter]

homo's hide behind undescriptive words.

Homo

[Jtime]

thanks alot for your feedback guys appreciate