The Man on the Corner

[Lauren.]

His glass eyes blazed with a fiery passion
Irrational thoughts plagued his head with distraction
Detached from the world, a singular faction
Reactions of strangers grant no satisfaction

He's mourning the membrance of those he's forgotten
The flesh has stayed fresh, while the core becomes rotten
His hands have won wars that have yet to be fought in
Revealing truth's wrath which so many are caught in

And there lies his box in the corner I'm certain
His pulpit of sorts, there he preaches his sermon
Sealed minds still refuse to draw back the curtain
Define where the weak have collapsed from the burden

Crinkled hope, wrinkled hands, he's destined for shambles
Trinkets once bearing meaning now wither to brambles
Hands holding the hope of a million soaked candles
He rambles, but really his words shadow scandals

Deception runs rampant in the heart once sanctioned
Deflated morale from an ersatz inflation
Desparate times breed timely desparation
They shun what they once knew, a shattered salvation

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=329199
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=329145

[Spoken]

this i have to say was by-far from what i have been reading of you your some-what best piece... you added such creativeness with emotion that caught my eye with great interest and had me reading over and over again... you captured a sense of writing that mirror'd my style of OM's which was kinda cool cus your originated it by flipping shit around...which to me was cool you took concepts and made it yours... the wording aswell was nicely done and the ocab used in this was some what picky and good. you have really been improving fiya keep it up...stay actie aswell ma.....i just liked how the story went and the picture was kinda not needed cus your wording descripted it nicely...but its ok no detraction there...

He's mourning the membrance of those he's forgotten
The flesh has stayed fresh, while the core becomes rotten
His hands have won wars that have yet to be fought in
Revealing truth's wrath which so many are caught in

And there lies his box in the corner I'm certain
His pulpit of sorts, there he preaches his sermon
Sealed minds still refuse to draw back the curtain
Define where the weak have collapsed from the burden
^^
My fav. stanzas through out this piece.

RTF links in the sig...or better yet casings...

[Lauren.]

yeah I'll hit that link up tomorrow cuz right now I'll be lucky to get 6 hours of sleep lol

[Spoken]

sure thing up to you Ma.

[Boxin Mics]

definitely one of the best pieces ive read on RB done by a female. all through this you carried such strong emotions regardless the views of a homeless man. using a good choice of words and vocabulary to describe what point you were getting across. excellent work and you might wanna put this in "poetic scriptures", too... never know it might get nominated.

His glass eyes blazed with a fiery passion
Irrational thoughts plagued his head with distraction
Detached from the world, a singular faction
Reactions of strangers grant no satisfaction

good imagery.. very nice start off lines.

He's mourning the membrance of those he's forgotten
The flesh has stayed fresh, while the core becomes rotten
His hands have won wars that have yet to be fought in
Revealing truth's wrath which so many are caught in

one of my favorites...
"The flesh has stayed fresh, while the core becomes rotten"
amazing...

And there lies his box in the corner I'm certain
His pulpit of sorts, there he preaches his sermon
Sealed minds still refuse to draw back the curtain
Define where the weak have collapsed from the burden

definitely a very strong part of this piece..

Crinkled hope, wrinkled hands, he's destined for shambles
Trinkets once bearing meaning now wither to brambles
Hands holding the hope of a million soaked candles
He rambles, but really his words shadow scandals

another favorite of mine...
"Hands holding the hope of a million soaked candles"
incredible..

Deception runs rampant in the heart once sanctioned
Deflated morale from an ersatz inflation
Desparate times breed timely desparation
They shun what they once knew, a shattered salvation

nice way of closing it off..

good to see somebody is giving a fuck about people who are stuck in these types of positions. sadly in new york everybody basically blows them off and considers them "trashy individuals". very strong piece right here, ma. actually im very impressed.. keep on writing, ma.

peace..

[Spoken]

^^
one of the nicest breakdowns on RV ive ever seen

wish i could get feed like that...[/sarcasm]

[Lauren.]

thanks for the feed

[.:~Digital~:.]

..returnin the favor..

He's mourning the membrance of those he's forgotten
The flesh has stayed fresh, while the core becomes rotten
His hands have won wars that have yet to be fought in
Revealing truth's wrath which so many are caught in
^My favorite Part

Wow ya really nailed this OM... Imagery and creativeness was pretty much on point for the most part, you didnt lack in imagery or anythin major, your flow was good.....Your writing seems controled and not forced as it seems ya actually have sumthin ya want to accomplish otha than most peeps online....... But yea keep doin what ya do

[Lauren.]

thanks for the feed

[Restricted]

Liked this piece, here's why..

You brought your own style here, though the flow/structure was too fixated in one dimension for me, I loved the imagery and depthness to your lyrics. When reading your open mic I felt that I could feel exactly what that man was thinking and feeling by matching your lyrics to that picture. You have a way with imagery, but your only downfall right now is that you force some wording and your scheme of flowing. Besides that it's a very elegant and drawn out piece. Props, and collaborate with me sometime.

Give some feedback on the open mic in my signature.

[Lauren.]

yeah I'll hit that up when I have time

[♫JûstífíÇαûtíóñ↑]

damn i must say this was well worth the time to read it if i had to say n e thing id say by far ur best peice up to this point i loved ya flow on this peice ma and u brought ya opwn style wit it which made this delightfully fresh the lyrics full of depth and content and vocab was very much on point throught the whole peice imagry and emotion played its part very well i can see doods story from my own perspectives and thats what makes this an excollent peice is how i can relate to it for me anyways keep em comein ill b a regular reader after this read.....

[Lauren.]

appreciate the feed

[P. Mortuus]

Yup this is your best piece that you've done so far. It was good, i liked the language and style for a change to some pieces i have read. One thing is this was very poetic, that's good but don't get caught up in just the poetic side of things, make usre to vary and experiment with your writing aight. Otehr than that, i presonally liked this piece, i found one ver to be the strongest out of them all and that verse was :

And there lies his box in the corner I'm certain
His pulpit of sorts, there he preaches his sermon
Sealed minds still refuse to draw back the curtain
Define where the weak have collapsed from the burden

Theres no reason as to why i found that particular verse the strongest other than that i liked the language in it. Stay up^.

[Lauren.]

thanks