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Thread: Gone.

  1. #1
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    3,518
    Battle Record
    44-45

    Gone.

    Mind filled with pain, these problems are disturbing
    Burning inside, turning into a ride, while i'm learning
    About life, difficulty along the way, welcoming me to reality
    First thought of it is considered to be a tragety
    Paranoid and insane, another defect in the brain
    Veins poppin out, shadowing anger being contained
    In this world of mine it ain't the same, all it does is change
    I despise it, i can't hide it, it's the real thing so i can't disguise it
    Saying goodbyes as a run away from home, alone, very bittersweet
    Living on the street, 6 Miles from my house, no shoes on my feet
    Left them back at home and nothing will make me have to go back
    And i know that, won't be scared if the night turns coal black
    I won't show my fears, i got to fight through the difficult times
    I must Fight through the crimes, rhymes, and chimes
    And sometimes i take the time of mine just to find dimes
    To buy cheap food, poor as fuck, i should have know better
    To bring cash, and i should have know better to go at another time
    Due to the snow weather, and the cold weather every night
    Fright keeps me awake and i'm thinking now to go back home
    That home, i remember, the one i loved, i hate being alone
    So i will head back because i knew i wasn't ready to leave
    So i'm going to pack up my act, breathe, and do what i wanted to do

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    3,518
    Battle Record
    44-45
    Last edited by Fatal.; February 10th, 2007 at 10:48 AM

  3. #3
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Lucifer's Five Ring Circus
    Age
    37
    Posts
    17

    Re: Gone.

    this was pretty short but had some good imganation behind it, flowed well, decent vocab, well worder,good structure overall pretty good work just needed to be a bit longer 7.5/10

    give me some critcism http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326386
    <a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e289/Undead_Jester/banner_break_02_09_2007_17_00_37_16.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a>

  4. #4
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Gone.

    This was an alright piece.
    I think the storyline could have really been much more
    developed and deeper, so this could've been better
    as a longer piece, but it was pretty cool nonetheless.
    I suggest you take a longer time writing next time.
    Your flow was also a bit choppy once or twice
    in the piece, so be careful of that.
    But pretty good piece in all.

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