An old man’s tale

[P. Mortuus]

An old man’s tale

Who is it there?
Strumming so
music breathes
a life of its own

Picture a mother dumping her newborn in a dumpster at night
Then picture the plight that comes with being poor in fright
I live every day, flute in my hand searching through an alleyway
To find the octaves amiss from my bliss I miss that Jazz & Ray
The musical hemisphere is on the other side of the orbit see
Today I’m blind to the sheets and the notes are mocking me
KRS one preaching about the real Roxanne I block my ears
I open them to listen to the fear of Justin & his Darkness peers
Fall forward stumbling blind to this world I fall on an incipient tile
No that’s granite or is it bitumen I see a black velvet style
Staggering along drunk with melodies the cars hoot an orchestra…

Casting a spark
making it whole
then why let it
fade all alone?

Filigreed rain-drops on top of the pavement with its weeded crops
Cackle with joy as the manacled dog tackled shackled crooks & cops
Not for their pain, but for ambiguity dramatized in their falling props
Ragdolls, dancing to tunes of societal tops, planning tactical drops
Then the rain stops, snaking my way like a lab rat I slither along
the long street congested with traffic, I try to fit in the throng
No such luck, I trip over rustling cans, discarded, used orphans
Standing singing out their soul their goal to fill their stomachs whole
Their voice quivers in the cold, unimpressive to audiophiles around
stuttering in dismay, yet not donating charity their way, the ground
covered in faulty gems & I’m the odd man searching what they found

So it did fade
away & stole
imagination
has it a role?

I smile an embryonic smile then understand I’m not really guile
Sophisticated technologies can’t help, doctors lost hope after a while
Though the resonance of the pebbles clicking my heels is so great
it’s timbre shakes my sole was that Beethoven, or a foot’s mistake
I walk along oblivious to the emerging car will its wave’s crash me
Or will I float on cloud 7 spying music, harmonious paparazzi
Mistake me not-I’m not blind or strained by any physical ties
It’s a blind man’s bluff, the cloth around my eyes is where it lies
The secrets to my melodies and the composition of clashing strings
Violins constructed from rubber bands, vision my darkness
……………………………and in the darkness is where the music begins

[Donald Trump]

woah this piece was surprisingly good it started of a bit slow but it picked up by the second verse the flow to this verse was great throughout the whole piece and the emotion was just great. I'm not really into structure and complexity but your verse was very complex indeed and the structure was nice. the storyline was great and fully thoughtout plus greatly executed and overall this piece was good i give this an 8/10 i llok forward to seeing more work from you and if you may return the favor in my sig

[P. Mortuus]

2 verses were revisited from my past works and reused to make up a new body.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...65#post5503965
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...77#post5503977

[Engivale]

I think that this is sort of like a first person narrative from an old homeless guy... or it seems to me... I'm not really positive. This is certainly a little weird, and since it's me giving feedback you should know I'm gonna complain about the flow here, this was hella choppy. Sometimes you cared about the flow, sometimes you didn't, that's all there is to it. You were just in that mode to tell the story here, I guess. I'm not really as into this as some of the other pieces you've done lately, mostly because the story never seems to ever really go anywhere and a lot of the language is really weird....

I smile an embryonic smile

???

harmonious paparazzi

???

Filigreed rain-drops on top of the pavement with its weeded crops
Cackle with joy as the manacled dog tackled shackled crooks & cops
Not for their pain, but for ambiguity dramatized in their falling props
Ragdolls, dancing to tunes of societal tops, planning tactical drops

that entire part is strange.. manacled dog tackled shackled crooks and cops? The fuck? That is nonsensical to me. I mean, most of this is pretty cool, the story is good - Is he blind, like, physically, or just metaphorically? Cuz at one part, you say,

Mistake me not-I’m not blind or strained by any physical ties
It’s a blind man’s bluff, the cloth around my eyes is where it lies

but it seems to me he's blind. I dunno. but, there, that's my issues, that's as good a constructive criticism as I can give I think.

[P. Mortuus]

lol..thats as good construcive criticsm as i need lol...anyhow..i would explain every single part you pointed out for the language but i can't be asked to lol..a lil tired na mean, imay do that some other time..anyhow, the frist and third verse are from a while back and i had to use them for a btter use so i wrote up the 2nd verse so it seems i wrote them at one time na mean. It's different to what or how i write now but i prefer it...and yeah...flow wasn't a major major here it was more the descrption and at time metas na mean. Once again i preciate the comments made. Stay up^.

[Engivale]

it's only cuz i love ya =D

[Forum]

Yeah...Baron this was a lil different from you...you been on that lately...It was moreso a storyline piece where you really played off the character more than anything else..though ya imagery and basic's are always great...you didn't seem to put that extra Baron..I know into...though it's still a great drop...keep it up...

[Impulse.]

Nice work here Baron, I really like the way you structured your piece, it was very similiar to how I use to do mine. The vocabulary was good, and the flow of it was excellent. Your concept and imagery was vivid, and the emotion shined.

Congratulations on a well written piece, I'll be looking forward to seeing some work by you in the near future

RTF on "Cloistered, Confined, Convinced".

Peace and Cheers.

[P. Mortuus]

Thanks, i'll get to your piece very soon aight.