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Thread: "This was George."

  1. #1

    "This was George."

    Part One:
    This is George.


    This was George...

    He set the coffee pot along the marble finished oven top;
    Page 3 news and a plate of two hardly finished muffin tops.
    Watches the steam pour out from under the bathroom door;
    his wife lights the mood-
    as a shower tune blasts right through the floors:
    'Oh George! coooooome and get yoooooour...'

    He picks up his drink, takes a sip/sits up and smiles quick-
    before he stands/dances to the sample clip with wild kicks;
    Dueling giggles power through- he sneaks into the shower
    room and the two playfully kiss as he stops hastily-
    and quickly sits down next to the flower printed broom.
    Chapter I: Mr. Feel Nothing

    He bore the misery's sage of delineate days reborn;
    more history in his three steps than in the age we wore.
    Checkered pasts remain the lost way on feathered tracks
    a train of thought forgot to check/mates entered last-
    he paused at the fork in awe before he sat and ate.
    Primal over civil- alittle wine and bind, put aside the middle;
    spilling vinyl fetish against the silhouette of candle lit vigil.
    Malice by definition; twisted instinct and high intellect-
    by the time you regain balance, he's underlining sex.
    His bliss is absurd-
    with perched lips and soggy phallice, he's earning stitches;
    learning the art of heart while he sits there burning bridges.
    He wore the thin light's lite reform like a mid wife-
    within poor sight he swore to his life's resistance...
    behind the fine eye and a midnight description:

    Socially-synical sociopath-
    masked in madlibs and lipstick,
    mascara plastered on his right backhand
    from the last one night stand.
    Giggles in the open blisters
    from rough innuendoes broken linger,
    through the concuss lingerie
    he saved in the middle of an open fist for
    a sniff and quick quiver later in the day.
    He falls and throws his breath below the end of this song-
    with a cold sweat rolling down, and his head in his palms.
    He songed a name below the bondage banquets,
    imprinted rope, and blades along a slate of plain wrists:
    Beyond the broken sores, door alarms and tales of porn-
    he whispered 'whooores,' while they whimpered, 'Geooooorge!'
    Covering his ears, he doesn't want to hear the mumbling
    narratives spilling from the air! Tears start tumbling
    down his pale canvas, the ceiling closes in; his air goes thin!
    'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!'
    His startled wife jumps/rips the curtains right open,
    slips- in a hurry to run to his comfort as the lights go dim.
    Chapter II: Females for Sale!

    The ominous slaughter- daughters forgot in his promise;
    every word you wanted to hear and a tear from thick onyx.
    He's watching- insecure girls, and he's a word of comfort
    in a winners world/Jaguar car while tossing shores of pearl.
    Same stories in a different chapter of novels after-
    his laughter is the ink as he winks a signature past her.
    He rocks away, back and forth and forth toward disarray;
    she's bleeding and he's hardly breathing any more this way!
    His hands are shaking harder and harder
    and his mouth is now dry- his eyes begin to water;
    one hand on his wife's damp head, the other on the left
    trying to toss a cotton ball...
    to stop all the voices from talking in his head!
    Another night settles to a new bar room chronicle:
    glasses back as he finds a model master mold-
    from the round bottom of the brown bottle barstool monocle.
    His twisted grin curls around the girl as he sends a drink:
    That's his in- kind gesture for the little girl behind the texture.

    Tonight is lady's night, and he's feels all right-

    Common talk tiptoes into throwing clothes off/on
    the bed post she moans with one lip lost/gone-
    swallowed with the pleasure... although his laughs gone;
    the smile lines mangle and the angle make her head hurt-
    she gashes her head more on the plastic head board.
    She's starting to cry- his smile returns as her heart drops
    'Please stop!'
    He beats his own skull into a pulp fiction,
    his diction is slurred and every word he utters is wrong-

    'I didn't mean to! are you hot- alright, are you alright!?'

    His stair tapers- paces the tile lanes fighting a smile
    that the narrator in his head said was growing greater.
    His finger tips gel between his hair fibers as he screams!
    Releases- her head starts to twitch hard as she bleeds.
    Chapter III: Oak Trees, Leaves; Dead Bodies.

    George's eyes find the borderline of their form-
    as he climax's she passes/gives a final scared squirm.
    He pulls out and pulls out a last kiss for her glass lips;
    inches over and holds her hand- taps her ass quick.
    He sits there for an hour, starring as his workmanship-
    she was his magnum opus coded in saran covered strips.
    Gutted and savored as he licked all his fingers,
    saying a prayer at the final tare of his falling razor:
    'Hail Mary,
    Full of Grace,
    The Lord is with thee.
    Blessed art
    ...thou among women,
    and blessed is the fruit
    of thy womb, Jesus.
    Holy Mary,
    Mother of God,
    pray for us sinners now,
    and at the hour of death. Amen.'


    He prays and prays, but she just keeps bleeding still-
    screaming Jesus' name for forgiveness of the kill...
    'Wait! No!' He didn't even kill her though!
    Keeps singing back those hymns as he wraps his sin-
    licks her clit one last time as her fair flower just collapses.
    The cadaver still fresh with red chest under the laughter,
    covered with cellophane as the cello rains a lover's last word-
    from the speaker box the 5th symphony eases off;
    he pauses, and plays conductor before proceeding on.
    Off between narration and sensation, he's lost-
    he doesn't know which ideas he has thought.
    After he finished spinning the cadaver's plastic morbid,
    he searched his mind for a hiding place-
    a place of bind and blackness, thatches and twine... that forrest!
    He throws the body on his back and laughs,
    cackles with the crows that roamed the damned's thatch.
    'No!' he wont do it he proclaims with exclamation-
    subconsciously teething at the thought of grave and decimation!
    One hand clotting her lungs; the other one thumbing the door knob!
    With giggling sadistics, he chose to dig the hole-
    bare hands and sandy palms to compliment his poem.
    'No No No!' the tears streamline his cheek side-
    near the blood spot that dropped from her seam line.
    He dug until his arms hung in malice-
    malice, the same that phased his tongue and spun his balance!
    He digs! And he digs! And he keeps singing the song,
    the only song he remembers, so he tenors along!
    'CCCCCCOME AND GET YOOOOOOOUR...!'
    He's keeps digging that hole next to the bench-
    where he went to propose, because it's where they first met!
    The smile fades from his jaded face of wild-
    and it sinks in... he feels quenched;
    sits down on the park bench and prays for a while-

    His heart is full, just like the dirt
    ... and he walks back those three miles,
    still singing for her.



    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294530
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=318416
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2

    Re: "This was George."

    ... up
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  3. #3

    Re: "This was George."

    ...
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
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    Re: "This was George."

    Wow……hmmmmmm………Wow.

    No, really - what’s the word I’m searching for?…..Oh yea……WOW!

    I don’t know what to say man. Where do I start? Hmmmm…the story was incredible. The build up was incredible, the imagery was incredible, the focus was incredible, and the length was incredibly absurd. I doubt if you’ll get any “well it could have been longer” complaints. But…Hmm what I will say that impressed me the most - well aside from the overwhelming graphic and complex nature of this piece, is un-doubtly your ability to not only stay completely on topice throughout this piece (with little to no filler), but more so how you kept the flow going with absolutely no blotches,. Man this was more like a screenplay than a rap. Your definitely dopest writer on the site right now, and I’d be surprised to hear otherwise!


    Pz

  5. #5
    Hustle.Simmons
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    Re: "This was George."

    I didnt really attempt to finish the whole drop but the first couple of verse's hot.
    Nice creation and wordplay kept me interested and til my head started hurting from that heat you was spitt'n but yea . Good shit you had me with

    Covering his ears, he doesn't want to hear the mumbling
    narratives spilling from the air! Tears start tumbling
    down his pale canvas, the ceiling closes in; his air goes thin!
    'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!'
    His startled wife jumps/rips the curtains right open,
    slips- in a hurry to run to his comfort as the lights go dim.
    lol . I imagined that shit .

    But nice one atticus and make sure you stick w/ this type of shit . 100
    .Different toilet.


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    .. .Same shit .. .

  6. #6

    Re: "This was George."

    Bump
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
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    Re: "This was George."

    I read part one too about how he visits his wife, but you find out in the end that its her body. Unreal twist at the end and this prequel sealed the deal. You're an unreal writer man your choice of words are astounding and even sometimes hard to follow, but as I read it over again I think i got it. George had already killed before after a one-night stand as he now does with his wife.. (hoping thats right)... but yah, keep at it man looks like you got some talent.

  8. #8

    Re: "This was George."

    Well, almost spot on- he's a pschitzophrenis, and hears voices. I saw previes to that new Will Farrel movie, 'Stranger than Fiction' where his life is being narrated by an author. Thought it'd be a cool way to link up my two pieces. So, the idea is that the voice he hears, is that of an authors who is writing the narration of his story. So, it becomes a struggle of his true identity (loving husband) vs. what the narrator says he should be/is.
    po'ethics /
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  9. #9
    Banned SirusX's Avatar
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    Re: "This was George."

    SO LONG!

    i didnt even read it yet, but i'll try to get it all done. lol. but yea its so long

  10. #10
    Po'Ethics
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    Re: "This was George."

    Atticus, you're writing extremely well. Impressive. You boast great vocabulary, voice and conviction. It's truly a pleasure to read. It was long, perhaps could have been shorter, but it is what you write it to be, so I'm content with that. Glad to see you're still writing and working at it, it's obviously paid off.

    Great work...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  11. #11

    Re: "This was George."

    Thanks a lot Dev, nice to see you back around.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  12. #12
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: "This was George."

    The epic you wrote against me. Never read it `til now. I never peep my opponents pieces really in SS lol. This was dope as shit. Creative. I liked how the story mingled with dudes life. You got a real knack for story tellin` and imagery. A lot of poetic stuff that prolly went over my head as well lol. Like some lines I read that I thought were a little over the top. But not enough to take away from the piece for me. Maybe just cuz the poetic writing isn`t really my style, prolly the only reason I`m mentionin` it lol. But I liked this. Ima peep the other part when I get a chance.

    A.i

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  13. #13
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    Re: "This was George."

    this piece was choc - ful of mettaphors .crazy imagery f'sho. only thing i diddnt like much was the size of the piece for one reading. i mean maybe this was more like two parts in one. but all in all a cool ass epic all the same......... seemed like you are in your element in this piece and the other george joint......
    strange conceptual ideas from you as ALWAYS.ha.ha,,,,,,,,
    good rhyming capabilities you have here.
    keep em poppin


    1

  14. #14

    Re: "This was George."

    thanks everyone.. up
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  15. #15
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: "This was George."

    goddamn man ..this was crazy cool. the illustration this piece put into my head was VERY precise. it was like i could see everything, and i was being narrated by another man's narrator, VERY cool experience for me. the man in the story seems troubled, almost dillusional. but at the same time, it's like he's convinced by himself and someone else that he has these two complete different lives and is being forced to follow one that he doesn't want to. i dunno if i'm on track, but it's weird ..the vibe, ya know? that i get from reading this. it's troubling, but somehow ..fuck i dunno. it's good okay? lol, i liked it to be 110% honest with you, i loved it. great read, and thanks.


    look for another piece of mine coming soon ..dunno when but it'll be soon man.


    - Nash


    well, that piece came sooner than expect, mine and Baron P's first collab

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...39#post5393039
    Last edited by Cody Nash; December 28th, 2006 at 01:22 AM

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