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Thread: Freestyling Life

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Freestyling Life

    "Freestyling Life"
    By: Jonathon

    Looking down is considered a let down,
    putting faces to names that you've met now.
    You let the stress of pain remain untouched,
    fearing that fear itself might just beat you up.
    Embarrassment is lurking around the corner,
    while death has an appointment with a coroner.
    Living life to the fullest, but scared to get fat?
    So you starve on the very intelligence you lack.
    Thoughts of suffering run across your face,
    you see the one you love, then your heart break.
    Confidence takes pride, and they intertwine,
    while inside your doubt curls up and cries.
    Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder,
    So be a go getter, make a break to hold her.
    Be bolder be brave, for that’s what we crave,
    concrete the obvious, so watch as I pave.
    Remembering those times, just not worth it,
    or spend your life just chasing and searching.
    Kindly getting nervous, buying health service
    working to death, so your dying to serve us.
    Make a rivalry, just reasoning to fight with me,
    standing up for what you believe in, rightfully.
    Racism takes a swing at our economy's state,
    How could war be civil? Civil war is a fake.
    Ranting distracts planting tracks to success,
    rising to potential so you'll impress the rest.
    Glory's road forks at the end, pick your destiny
    make life what its worth so you can rest in peace.


    This is a freestyle about life
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    A good read with many many clever concepts and wordplays being introduced. Visual structure and presentation was ogod to and you managed to talk about various issues in life such as war, attraction etc in your lines which was all good. Parts of it got rantish but yeah this would be a good soliliquay a rhyming one at that in a political theatrical lol. I don't know why you ittalicised, was it something i missed or was it just for presentation or emphasis..idk but as much as i got i think this was a good piece, could have been put in om but i prefer it to be here as it's rhymeschem is simplicit. Good piece, stay up^.

    If possible, a few comments on this poem...done a poem after a while lol
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313723
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    very witty in this piece very ostantacious and clever...you had some nice twist in multies and nice metaphors that really added some nice flow...you rhymed a bit here and there which also seemed i guess part of your scheme to your title which in my case its koo nothing really that noticable but very subtle ya know..you had some things that made me wonder..like some lines seemed a bit forced and in a way i actualy agreed with paka in saying was this ittalicised?..i dont know but this was a nice drop and a very good read and i liked it and enjoyed the tim egiven to make this work nicely!...flowed well and vocab was nicely assorted and nothing seemed out of proportion here so nice job jon!.

    RTF
    samantha c. hensley
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  4. #4
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    itallicized to add character. those were the main parts of the line, that you needed to be able to understand I guess. I'll get to the links in a minute
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  5. #5
    bye. Heychoo's Avatar
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    flow was nice, and the italalicized words just seemed to help continue it...The metaphors were nice, and it was pretty cool had you personified emotions and feelings..wording was sometimes a bit iffy though:
    So you starve on the very intelligence you lack.
    to me that just didn't come out right..there were a few other occasions when that happened also..
    Just a nice, short little read, which made sense..i liked it, nothing HOF typeish, but it was nice..
    glycerine.

  6. #6
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    ^ your one gaudy fucker.. slut face
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    to the top!



    Artificial.Intelligence

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