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Thread: Brotherly Love. Feat. Truth.

  1. October 17th, 2006, 01:41 AM #1
    Tragedian.
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    Brotherly Love. Feat. Truth.

    Dear David..
    Truth

    Hey Bro its getting kind of lonely with you not at home.
    And even tohugh me and mom are still here i can't help but feel alone.
    even though you bullied me at times i miss your voice.
    ma says i should'nt feel sorry for you its you own choice.
    hopelessly i wish you could have been more of a brother.
    and the ways you treated ma like you never even loved her.
    that hurts man you should know how my heat feels.
    I dream that you weren't so bad but when i wake the pain is real.
    I can forgive the way you used to tease and bully.
    but why you said you hate me i could never understand fully.
    I can't remember doing bad to you at all.
    I can't recall me ever starting one of our many brawls.
    but in a life time you should have to flip another page.
    and i know that your bound to quite your strikes of rage.
    i pray each nightm me and you will start anew.
    and be true brother side by side just use two.


    From Daniel.


    Dear Daniel…
    dj...

    I made mistakes and now I got to pay the time
    Bro don’t be like and get in the world of crime
    In this state of mind, I know what I did wrong
    And tell mom I’m alright and to stay strong
    Deep down it hurts her please trust me there
    Once I get free I am going to make things fair
    I love you both; I don’t know what I was thinking
    When I get back the first thing I quit is drinking
    I only did bully you because it helps you get tough
    Trust me bro I would never want to actually get rough
    If you think I hate you, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that way
    Just please no matter what do for me and mom always stay
    She needs you by her side after all the drama I put you though
    But I’m going to end it here…bro I love you and I swear it’s true


    Love David.
    Last edited by Tragedian.; October 17th, 2006 at 11:26 AM
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  2. October 17th, 2006, 01:44 AM #2
    Tragedian.
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...38#post5214738
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post5214741
    Last edited by Tragedian.; October 17th, 2006 at 01:48 AM
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  3. October 17th, 2006, 05:28 AM #3
    Ascend
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    Ya know, this was pretty good, the Vocab. coulda been a little better but at least it wasn't forced and it sounds like some ish that came straight from the heart so good job. Though I was hoping the plot would have been more elaborate it still had a nice flow so...props.
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  4. October 17th, 2006, 08:41 AM #4
    Ascend
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    By the way, I have to say the second part was better than the first despite slightly better wordplay. Geh, I don't know, maybe it's just me.
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  5. October 17th, 2006, 11:23 AM #5
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    this piece was filled with emotion and I personally could relate to it...Similar situation happening as I type....The deliverence was tight but I think you could have upped the vocab but for the type of piece this was it wasn't needed. The imagery was mediocore...yet the structure and flow was consistant..This was a cool drop not one of your best but a nice drop..... Werd!


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  6. October 17th, 2006, 11:35 AM #6
    P. Mortuus
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    Technically this had many niggles..e.g. the vocabularry wasn't great, their were many many spelling or grammar errors which irked me whilst reading and negatively affected the flow...however, on the brightside, this did have a stream of emotion and both verse had different voices in my head, the first one of a much younger kid fearful quiverring voice..the 2nd of a worn out and wiser man or older worn out and wiser kid. AS far ass i'm concerned if you developed this a bit more whilst keeping the emotion it would have really hit home. Overall, both of you did equally well with the characters you were given but should now start to develop technically as well. Stay up^.
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  7. October 17th, 2006, 04:45 PM #7
    Tragedian.
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  8. October 17th, 2006, 07:54 PM #8
    Truth Iscariot
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  9. October 17th, 2006, 08:11 PM #9
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    ok... ok this was was real good i like the way it was wrote like letters
    cause it made it seem emotional and i really like how truth started it off
    with his style and rhymeskeme and the structure was good to it made it easy to read...and dj i like ur style to the way you came with a reply that made all the pain Daniel was going though and how you said you hated him and didnt show you loved ur mom........you reply'd like you wanted him to stay strong and take care of ur mom


    very emotional good peice both of you

    Not Another... See Right, Writer, C.W Line
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  10. October 18th, 2006, 12:13 AM #10
    HospitIll
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    Vocab was basic some bad wording in places
    Flow was ok .. off in some places
    Alot of emotion tho which actually made this piece
    The emotion owned this

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  11. October 18th, 2006, 09:49 AM #11
    Truth Iscariot
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    thanks for feed

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  12. October 18th, 2006, 02:16 PM #12
    Tragedian.
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    yup yup upp.
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  13. October 19th, 2006, 12:08 PM #13
    Truth Iscariot
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  14. October 19th, 2006, 04:28 PM #14
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  15. October 20th, 2006, 03:22 AM #15
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    yup yup yup yup one more time heres the up

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