"Sweet taste of a breeze on my lips"

[Dat]

Under starlit skies,
you walk into my waiting,
the soft swoosh of foamy surf
is the music we dance to - joined

Motionless we stand,
bodies trembling
softly you whisper into my sea scented skin,

'don't move - not an inch'

Our sweat slicked bodies ache with need
thighs quivering with a tidal rhythm,
until; like the rising ocean,
breaking over the warm damp sand
You beg for release.

I moved,
With the lifting sea, your body erupts in lathered ecstasy
and we slip entwined in love
and spent embrace,
Smiling at the craven cold of the distant stars.

She whispers again; 'don't move'
Love's slow, sweet, agonizing dance,
Is just beginning.

I'd like some feedback on this, i'm trying to switch around my style a little, as you can see.

[Spoken]

this si a nice piece right here very cleana dn very slick...creative with your metaphors DAT. i like that. you wrote through great emotion that brought out the best of this piece. the flow was nice. the vocab used was spread out nicely...simple yet conservative. the content in this was nicely assorted so was your multies and were you put them. you didnt realy force anything..and didnt lack much...the story line was nice and i could follow along nicely i think you did very well with this piece and brought the best of it out..kinda played concept yet you came diffrent than others and made it more interesting. nice

RTF if so...links in the sig

[Dat]

Thanks, can i get some more? Leave a link.

[Spoken]

yea you can get some more i like your new style but for some odd reason i want your old style to remain...try mixing it up a bit....and broken pianists. is the piece i would like your thoughts on

[Dat]

^Lol, was halfway through it when you wrote that.

And thanks for that input, i'm going to see what i can do. Simple and witty mixed with dynamic and diverse.

[Spoken]

^^
YES!.

and there is a trilogy to the broken pianists thats why the thaetre image and visual of a certain onlooker is not there yet...damn i gave my next piece away...lmfao

yea my next piece is on those certain visuals. there's 3 parts.

[Dat]

We can talk more in WV chat

[Dat]

Would like some more comments/critiques, thanks. Links won't go a miss.

[Agony.]

Motionless we stand,
bodies trembling
softly you whisper into my sea scented skin
wow! Good shit dude..Really nice shit...Now thats poetry..This part was deeper then hell..Suck good imagery..


Our sweat slicked bodies ache with need
thighs quivering with a tidal rhythm,
until; like the rising ocean,
breaking over the warm damp sand
You beg for release.
this was a nice part..i really felt the enotion in this part


I moved,
With the lifting sea, your body erupts in lathered ecstasy
and we slip entwined in love
and spent embrace,
Smiling at the craven cold of the distant stars.
shit son...Wow great imagery and emotion i felt the essense of wat you said


Under starlit skies,
you walk into my waiting,
the soft swoosh of foamy surf
is the music we dance to - joined
Hmm..Not as good as the other to me..It wasnt bad just wasnt as complex..Nice imagery still

I think this was very planned and you took Time on this i can tell..This is definatly a HOF in my words the fucking imagery was crazy i could see this shit really happening as i read...And i truley enjoyed this...over this woould be a 10/10... This was quite a nice peice. It was an original topic, and you did well to compliment originality with a well written OM.You got creative and your whole poem was complex fa real...This was depp to me...You went deep into the topic and You wrote well to it..Not bad vocab...I fell like it was happening to me as i read...It was just that deep...Very nice multies and mettas..You also had very very good imagery..I could realize this as im reading on and on...You wrote with good emotion mann..This piece is definately dope nothin mutch more to say..really good shit...Nothin bad or needs to be done in my eyes it was one of the Best i read In a very long time.And again the vocab was crazy very emotional.

["lil Neefy"]

Actually, I like this attempt at a new style for you dude. I know it's out of your nitch, but sometimes you have to take a step into unchartered waters to discover things.

Your content was good... the idea a little used... but I see this more as an experiment piece from you. But you didn't fail to throw in your sweet Dat emotion. The imagery was seen, but your emotion over powered. I think if you write like this a lot in the future, you'll find that you can write A-MAZING pieces.. so i'll pass a piece of info to you that was given to me from experienced writers...

If your gong to write like this, make sure that all your lines have powerful meaning.. instead of some being powerful and others just there to set up other powerful lines.. A 20 line piece of brilliance is much better than like 30 or 40 lines of Great and Not so much lines.... you know?

Just a thought for you to inquire in your ventures of writing like that.

I'll let you know if any of my pieces are lacking attn. but keep writing dude and let's get busy with that joint poem.

[Dyl]

Okay you must be in some lovey dovey mood at the moment and it is working.Good to see a new style from you also.I actually really liked this and to be honest your past works sort of bored me but for some reason this touched me.You had beautiful wording and imagery.It just fit in perfectly in my opinion.Ok you could have been a little bit more creative,but it was still a v good piece.Your emotion was sweet and flowed nicely.As Po'it said,this topic is a bit used but I fell that you did a good job in displaying it.Props

-Dyl

[Dikhotomy]

this piece is nothing very captivating in my minds eye. You really seem to have a characterization of putting your mind all over the place in this piece

Motionless we stand,
bodies trembling
softly you whisper into my sea scented skin,

'don't move - not an inch' .

I guess motionless must be a metaphore for moving in another dimension huh?

lol .

I am really enjoying this as you can tell . Nonetheless there were elements of beauty to this piece, as is with any mind. But yours doesnt seem focused in this piece.

[Dat]

Read it for what it is, not what you want it to be. I'm a poet, not a fiction writer.

If you knew my work you'd probably know i approach things in a very simple and real way.

Motionless means motionless, nothing else. Same for all.

You can only dig a metaphor out of my work if you can relate to the scene i am placing in your mind. There are no hidden meanings or alternative scripts.

But thanks for your input, none the less.

[Poeta Demonio]

Closed- 3 poems open.

[Dat]

Thanks for re-opening mate. Can i get a few more comments off peoples?

I'll return feedback on all links.

And here's a shout out to my darling who just got linked here I love you Jess xXx