"Ring a ring of roses"

[Poeta Demonio]

Ring a ring of roses; Fame.



Carve me a voice, taste my tongues speech
Through thunder bolts in liquid tone
Bleed me a rainbow; lick the salt from my
Wounds; kiss the stars with a stare.

Birth death, to give love a chance at life
Dance for a blind audience
So we can hear you step upon our eardrums
Fear is at the heart of loneliness.

Grow me a flower, let it yearn for the suns breath,
Alleviate struggle to reveal ease
Allow a child’s song fall into your grasp.

Throw plaster towards a shattered
Dream; for life does not exceed death.


“Ring a ring of roses, pocket full of poses, achoo achoo, we all fall down”

[Prince Escobar]

I liked a lot of the lines in this piece, YahWeh, but i felt as if you lacked a certain fluidity throughout. It seemed like the poem didn't have a lot of cohesiveness, while lines definitely stood out, for example "dance for a blind audience, so we can hear you step upon our eardrums" it felt like you jumped from one thought to another without effectively stringing the overall product together. It was well written yes, but i just would have liked to see a more concentrated effort. Lastly i thought the song went "ashes ashes we all fall down" was 'achoo' added for effect or was it misquoted, or am i just mistaken? None the less, good job man, you always leave me full of things to say because i take a lot from your writing, 1luv.

[Poeta Demonio]

I liked a lot of the lines in this piece, YahWeh, but i felt as if you lacked a certain fluidity throughout. It seemed like the poem didn't have a lot of cohesiveness, while lines definitely stood out, for example "dance for a blind audience, so we can hear you step upon our eardrums" it felt like you jumped from one thought to another without effectively stringing the overall product together. It was well written yes, but i just would have liked to see a more concentrated effort. Lastly i thought the song went "ashes ashes we all fall down" was 'achoo' added for effect or was it misquoted, or am i just mistaken? None the less, good job man, you always leave me full of things to say because i take a lot from your writing, 1luv.

Thanks alot man.

As for 'achoo' as a child i sang it like that. either i was right as a child. or... i was a tarded child. ...

[Poeta Demonio]

Anyway, more feed please.

[P. Mortuus]

I quite liked this and though not the most complex poem or piece produced by you it had it's own unique category. The imagery and use of concepts to creat each line was brilliant and the contradictions fitted in quite well. Overall i liked this and found it ispiring to a writer. Something though not tackling a major issue but poetically very tangible..or fluid. Liked it, good work, Stay Up ^.

I used to go like

Ring a ring a roses, a pock full of poses
A tissue a tissue we all fall down
Ashes in the playground ashes in the sea
WE all jump up with a 1,2,3.

[Poeta Demonio]

Thanks man.

upidy.

[Poeta Demonio]

Meh. FEEEEEDDD.

[Liquid Content]

I used to sing it

Ring a ring a roses, a pock full of poses
Ashes Ashes we all fall down.

But i guess everyone does and did it differently.

Okay on with the feedback

Okay this piece was a little different then the ones im used to seeing by you but nonethe less it took nothing away from it. your imagery in this piece was abouslutly amazing the vividness of it along with the shere impact of it was great i loved it. your contradictions was a good spin on the piece and fit in perfectly. The emotion in this was good but i felt you could have made it stronger in some way not really sure how but thats just how i felt as i was reading it.All in all i would sya i enjoyed this piece very much so..

If you could return the feed onto this piece it would be much appriciated

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...52#post5117352