"Mary What Is..."
She tears the blood
Of a murdered son
I would help her but
She's holding the gun
The redness streams
All witnesses scream
Just to hear her plea
I have to have her ease
She must be put away
Nothing she can say
She can only prey
Her hair fastens gray
She's living her sons plague
Scratching at her two legs
Turning whiter then an egg
Just to Bleed This Day......
"Mary..Rest in Peace"
The mother of god. The killer of Jesus
OK Blind Scenes....and this applies to every poem you've dropped...especially this one and the mansion....your rhyming sucks. It is incredibly boring to read a poem that has only 1 syllable rhymes, and you end up forcing them too, so no matter how good the subject is, or how good the story is, your simplistic rhyming makes it boring...try multi syllable rhymes, internals...also...watch how you use metaphors...
"Turning whiter then an egg" ...that's bad...now if you would of said something like "Turning whiter than the ghost she once imitated" or something like that, it would be a little better, but jus because an egg is white, doesn't mean it belongs in your poem...take this as helpful critique..keep writing
if you could http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306817
A few achievements here and there
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Alright Lau. Thanks man I'll take that info in mind. And I'll leave feed now.
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