-My Mind State-

[P. Mortuus]

yes thanks.

[~MVL~]

I like the way you used your imagery in this piece i could really see alot of the things you were writing about in my head, the vocabulary was very well used, i think in one or two lines it could have been better but for the most part it was good, your structure was good also, i think overall id have to rate this piece over 9 but its not 10 yet keep working to get the perfect verse man.

[Bounce]

After a slow opener, this worked itself out pretty well. It seems as if you got into the flow of things half way through. Dark, rant like peice here. Good job on this, the tone here was much better than that set in other peices of yours. You are acutally looking more polished when it comes to transitions now. Kind of predictable, but much better than I have seen from you. Story line was decent, held my attention, nothing too awkward in here diction wise, noted improvement. Over all good job my man...

[P. Mortuus]

WEll thanks....though i had not spent long on this as it was like you said a rant than anything else.

[Bounce]

sometimes a short rant has more of your voice and emotion than a epeic type peice you spend hours on. trust me...

[P. Mortuus]

True True, anyway thanks for the comments again and i'll check out your piece in a while...read the first verse it's lookin good.

[Obskure1]

Deep indeed. Pakaveli....Pakaveli, what originality here. I liked that the most. Definitely your style of piece with the vocabulary and the rhyme scheme your used to. Beautiful man. The ending hit me like whoa. Relaxing read. Structure was good. Your flow was good. Diction was off in like a couple lines but you did good on that here. Rhyme scheme, no need harping on it could be better because this is just your natural rhyme scheme. Liked it alot Pak, keep writing and get at me whenever you want feed on something.

[samoe joe]

i agree wit dyl great ending i thought the firt 2 lines were fine wernt great but good piece !

[Soule]

Well, the image don't work on my computer but that is fine because using your words. You paints your own image inside my mind. The Wordplay was placed well and very well written. Mature in other words. The Emotion was deep and very heart warming. The Creativity was nice, original. The Format was nice and readable. The Imagenation was fantastic, very creative and I saw this as a painting in my mind. Over all a really nice read pak. Keep it up bro. And hit up "My Invisible Path - Belligerant & Advisory" in return please.

~Bell

[P. Mortuus]

eh yeah thanks but i wrote this piece like in August 19th, 2006

[Soule]

lol. Just thought I'd give it feed since it was in the top of the Open Mic pages.