Dear America,

**Navy Marine** · August 13th, 2006, 08:19 PM

We go to war for one reason
To make peace with the world
We fight for our country,
We fight for our families and lives
We put ourselves in high risk
Only to be spit on my Bush
Treated like a pack of dogs
Attacked by th enemies
While we're still chained up
Whipped in the back for joining
While stabbed in the back for careing
Bush should be out in that battle feild
With a Ak-37 and gear to keep him safe
Safe? Shit that dosent stop the millions from dying
It dosent keep the families from crying
Or the Brothers and fathers from trying
Now does that stop us? Tell me dear America

Dear America, do we have to help you
I do because its my life dream
Life goal and main self Esteem
Taking out the enemy to protect you
Win the war no matter what they do
I'll die on the day America falls
America lives under my calls
Bombs exploding with Bullets flying
America standing tall, all others crying
And when the fathers, mothers
Sisters, brothers, Cousins, Neices
And the nephews get home
America is victorious once again.

**Wireless** · August 13th, 2006, 08:34 PM

Err..

Real simple, lacked a lot of mechanical tools such as good metaphors, similes, etc...The Vocabulary was very simple, and was worded poorly..

EX:

We fight for our families and lives
We put ourselves in high risk
Only to be spit on my Bush
Treated like a pack of dogs
Attacked by th enemies
While we're still chained up

Just too choppy for my taste. Also, there were some spelling errors in the piece that really were sore to my eyes. It was also choppy in the essence that the point of the piece wasn't developed very well to me, but then again, that's my interprotation of it. Read around in PS and you'll get the idea of how to incorporate all those tools into one piece.