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Thread: Storms in his Eyes- Pakaveli & Ta2 Tears

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Storms in his Eyes- Pakaveli & Ta2 Tears

    Storms behind his Eyes

    Pakaveli-verse 1
    Ta2- Verse 2 & 3

    The Schizophrenic

    The sweet summery sweat drips off the distilled face
    With grace he laughs, yet the laugh disappears with haste
    The inner demons strike matches and barbecue his brain
    One kebab 2, the world goes plain blank & carpeted by pain
    Pain that pains the mundane, agitated he laughs aloud to attain
    Some pleasure or peace yet thunderous storms near their reach
    Like a leech the agony sucks rapidly defending not all but each
    The tiny scratches you feel are the demons raving and scathing
    Go confess, but the church isn’t all saving in sins their bathing
    Hypocritical sights contradict my faith please believe I believed
    In the silk sleeved statue of a deity who never actually breathed
    For breakfast we hailed Miss. Mary and for dinner Mr. Lord
    Then we were shipped abroad like boxed objects with boards
    Rat a tat tat…the fat cat slept on the great big burgundy mat
    Slipped in the gutter only for us way to heat up is too burn fat
    For eons he was bestowed with riches but now he lay bare
    Oblivious of the stairs that carried up 1 woman’s stare
    He doesn’t care so he burns with the sun in the skies
    Non-existent power, yet fear the storm behind his eyes

    "Baptize me in Flames"

    The projector flashed a sequence of slide shows displaying a violent image
    as the fires of hell scorched and torched concealed beneath his skull.
    The final leaf of the withered tree tumbled, a sign of silent vintage
    as he was sent to war with only a sword and a zeal so very dull.
    Squeals of gulls roared over his immense ocean of thoughts.
    They savagely ravaged, consuming his ideas as the innocent tread.
    His life, a story or book, with absolutely no notion or plot
    yet as the pages turn he was soon to find his benevolence dead.
    A prevalence head was a pot bubbling, waiting to explode
    as the clouds clustered his brain, emitting thunderous crashes.
    Swept into the tide, his particles of patience began to erode
    His eyes glowing from lightning strikes, shining with wonderful flashes.
    His heart settled under the ashes which were once a burning flame
    as the bright light in the distance began to fade and dim
    and locusts of frustration swarmed him as they buzzed a yearning claim
    over his body. He could feel a wicked soul made inside of him


    "I see him burn"

    I had witnessed this man break down today, as he internally combust
    and there was nothing to do except to watch it, no way to stop it.
    The storm behind his eyes was the only connection between us
    for, the rain of the storm behind my eyes formed a tear
    ................................................an d leaked through my optic

  2. #2

  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Yes comments will help..
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  4. #4
    Hellavated
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    Fuckin sexy pak.. we dope. rize bitchez.
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew

  5. #5
    Im -not- BacK
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    Pakaveli:
    ur verse is gd, the imagery is strong
    the rhymin is simple, but u hav sum betta parts (rhymin wise):
    Rat a tat tat…the fat cat slept on the great big burgundy mat

    Ta2:
    ur verses are also strong thruout
    i like th rhyme scheme that u use (a,b,a,b) u dont often c tht in om (as far as i kno)

    this was an overall gd piece, keep up
    can u return feed on my om (I (dont) Love You) plz

  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    no problem, preciate the comments i'll check ya piece now.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  7. #7
    ф»¤Tier One Crew¤«ф Summit Ave.'s Avatar
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    I liked ths read. Both had good emotion,wording,imagery. Wordplay was great, it brought alot of suspense to keep reading. Both had extremly good vocabulary with a good sense of the story line. The ending's were a good closure for it as well

    There's a om' in the sig if you dont mind leaving feed.

    -Mc Mystique

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    I've Created A Monster
    -Eminem

  8. #8
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    Pak- fuck man. you keep toppin what i thought was perfect for real. i liked this piece. overall it was set and presented perfectly! (a new perfect that is) the vocabulary you utilized was dope. the rhyming was a bit simple but it fit with this piece. the structure of course. like every other of your pieces, was pretty even!

    ta2- this is the first piece from you ive seen (unless alias?) and it was really good. i liked it alot! again like paks verse everythin was presented dopely. the vocab and descriptions were dope. and the rhyming scheme was dope. i liked the a,b,a,b style in it. real good. again. this piece was really dope and im goona read it again as soon as i finish this. so ima wrap it up.
    out of ten..15..thats right....i went there.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  9. #9
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    links in my sig. It Seems
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  10. #10
    Hellavated
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    looks like i got a bit of work to do lol.. i'll hit up all 3 of ya verses right away...
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew

  11. #11
    Newbie Incription's Avatar
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    Both verses were pretty strong i must admit...If i may say more complexity is need...But other then that...multies emotion every thing top notch...Keep it up


    1
    I work alone aint no one beside me,I stand tall...
    Onli Death is wat fears inside me,If U need help my hand fall...

  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    preciate the comments i'll check up the links before the end of the day.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah nice drops from both. both hhad banging imagery .visuals was on point.


    a slight off worded line here and there. maybe only 1 or 2 w/ pak.namely

    Slipped in the gutter only for us way to heat up is too burn fat


    just "way" is out of place.

    stil i liked both verse. cept say i thought ta2 sort of lost a bit of flow and wording seemed off in a few lines i think it was because of you writing to a certain planned format and not giving way for flow and delivery. coz u came at w a poetic rhyme aproach. reach sort of works. but i felt the flow between lines. sometimes the syllable count needed to be more intact in order to bring the rhymes together correctly on-time....

    both vocab was used well. and concepts were approached with good expression.......... and i thought some interesting viewpoint were put accross


    pak i thought could of added some more punctuation in between the lines to seperate statements. you used it in some parts and not others. no biggy. b it just adds to the consistancy. and even aids the flow and delivery....

    nice joints tho

    pz
    .................................................. ......................

  14. #14
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    I liked the flow of Pak's verse better, but ABAB tends to sacrifice flow for poetic rhythm... Both were good, I'm just more inclined to the flow kind-of verses.

    I thought the story was really cool, though, as told by both of you, though it seems to go from being quite concerned with religion to being more concerned with whoever the person in this piece is about. Probably just the differences in style, but it coulda synced up a little better, I guess.

    But what is writing if you are ever perfect? We continue to strive to approach it. Good job on this, anotha good collab from you, Pak, with a different teammate. One of these days I'll have to do one with you, but I usually only write when its pretty damned late and I've got a good bit of drugs in me and a bunch of music playing loud.

    It's my muse.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  15. #15
    Hellavated
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    ^ hmm i cant write with the loud music, but the late night writing with a little bit of substance upps my creativity too . Thanks for the feed, and i was going for a bit of a poetic approach, and really trying to focus on elevating my abstract writing, so it was a bit new to me, but im getting better at it..

    and lol me and pak have done like four collabs together, so im not much of a new partner lol.. and there will b more to come of our dopeness.
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew

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