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Thread: Blacknipped Pickups.

  1. #1
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Blacknipped Pickups.

    I remember whistling bubblegum tunes onto blacktopped dimensions,
    Swinging pendulums like the tetherball pole controlling our lives,
    The manila of folders collecting rent as we asked for a paper extension,
    The same pseudo pandemonium that was all captured in a high five,

    And when I saw her, golden silken hair with a nervous frizz to her touch,
    I couldn’t resist much, so I paused lunch with a universal remote to see,
    If this girl was a hologram something of embarrassment, but she was such
    a cutie and I could not resist heavy duty lenses in my sudden urge to pee,

    Feathery blondes were nasty to the JC Penny productions of a nerd like me,
    But she was different. She took time within twirling sun cropped ends so,
    I could not resist pointers of indexes and snazzy pickups to see if she was free
    on this Saturday, yes this Saturday night I would like to take you out. Will you go?

    Yet just before she answered with those full lips of luscious vibrancy in color,
    I realized yet the lunchroom surprise was making me delusional within high school
    asylums. Four walls padded for protection of residents. One from the other,
    And whatever it was that had me so dazed for a second -- It was very, very cool.

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Wtf @ the ending. lol

    I guess this is poetry at its finest, because it seems the stuff that I dont understand is always the better pieces. I kind of grasped the concept, there was something about a girl involved.. thats about all.. lol

    I'm sorry, but pieces like these are just too complex for me to comprehend. I'm mentally exhausted after reading this, it reminds me of atticus in a way. Not nearly the same style, its just his pieces confuse me as much as yours.. Anyways, good drop from what I can understand
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. #3
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    This was like a mix of a straight up normal story style, and an abstract piece, which is interesting,. abstract story. This was a nice piece as well. the opening set the tune with a nabstract scene, and the metaphors with high school items were very interesting and bledned with the story very well. the ending was pritty nice as well, all that abstract story to a quick teenage-like ending. dope piece man.

    uhm, hit up "Goodnight, Snow White"

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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    I liked this, talking in metaphors and painting abstract pictures. Yeah i feel that kind of work cause i enjoy it. The way you personified each object was very good and best of all was the delivery, cause i don't bleieve poetry has to flow but it has to have that something that makes the reader grasp it fully, i reckon you had that something in your work. Very well written your getting better by each piece. Stay up
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah nice piece yo aint seen u b4. imagery was splendid and dazzling..rythm was nice. only thing i'd like to have seen for this dope mpoem was a different or more broken down format.. maybe the introduction of a few line breaks creating run on sentence formatting. or many of artistic possibillities would give this a nicer cosmetic look. thus giving it a more riveting read bringing more detasil to the front with certain pauses and creativity. otherwise speaking word for word was nice

    pz1
    .................................................. ......................

  6. #6
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    3 poems open.
    -Closed.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

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