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Last edited by D. Josey; August 8th, 2006 at 10:24 AM
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up.
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This is gay. No feed?
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This was very good in parts and good in others, i reckon you stretched it for too long as the reader get's a message of true america to the one that's meant to be true pretty quick. Whilst reading i sensed you had scorn or maybe dissapointment at the hypocrytical ways of America or that saying many and any other countries. The imagery in parts was excellent and the rhymescheme was aight. The vocabulary was also quite good though parts of it did get simplicit. Nonetheless, this was a very good piece of work that is maybe getting slep on due to it's length.
Kiss me through the camera lens.TNL
well man, i thought you got alot into this... sorta current affair shit, there seemsa to be alot of these type of drops rcetly, prolly cos the worlds fucked up with war n shit... some nice rhyming and not overused vocab, so it was easy to follow, good job... oh one thing, your style of writing would be better suited if you halfed some of the long lines, just for the readers eye to follow easier, nah mean... nice work
keep going bro
[youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]
Word.
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Up. I really wish people would read this.
Fwup.
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I’ll admit man I haven’t really been fair to you, I haven’t really given you pieces a lot of attention, but the ones I have peeped have been pretty damn good. And after digesting this piece of rotten fruit (pun intended), I’m looking forward to dining with you more often. Anyways, speaking specifically about this piece I must say I thought you did and excellent job expressing your views, I especially liked some of the metaphorical elements you displayed throughout this work. The only lax this piece really processed was its random spats of filler, I mean there were times when reading this piece I was like “damn this kid is nice as hell”, then there were other parts (most towards the middle) when I was like “hmmm… wonder what’s for dinner…and is my shit suppose to be that green”, then you pick it right back up and I be like “ Whoa that was ill”. I mean over all this piece was definitely a quality drop, well worth the read, very, very, well written in its entirety. I say this piece was dope as fuck, but missed ill by a couple of inches. It was great, but not perfect. But still you proved to me that you are and exceptional writer, but there could be some minor modifications here and there to catapult you to the next level. I don’t think you really need elevation, I just think you need a tidbit more concentration (makes sense, lol, probably not). Anyway
Favorite lines:
^Talk about an opening with a big bang…dude you almost started a universe of rhythm. Your rhyme scheme, metaphors, and symbolisms were off the fuckin’ wagon. Seriously, this is the type of shit that inspires cats to get better. Now if you follow this formula through-out your pieces you will be without a doubt be one of the illest cats to touch this board (IMO).Imagine the sleuth’s clues about a tree that bears rotten fruit,
Yet any war a veteran’s been into can make due in a suit,
But yet pinstriped ties are the way America dies,
A wooden panel provides lies, parents don’t advise,
That this country is the least united, others are uninvited,
Oft cited for richest impossibilities, no one wants to fight it,
One stand doesn’t make a voice, crimes make a noise,
No need to rejoice the poise, this is not freedom of choice,
Lonely nights are so coarse, for the single mother that just had a divorce,
Freedom isn’t decision by force; these are tossing turning things of remorse,
Also:
^Yeah, that deserves a wow, so wow….my bad I’m being modest…WOW!!!!Homes are now on a budget, they are broken down and so rugged,
Burdens aside, we still try to tug it, but our dirty laundry fills luggage,
Yeah definitely – WOW!!!
LOL, All in all…this shit was dope, politically insightful and lyrically delightful…lol
Now go peep one of my pieces, before I erase all this feed.
Peace.
Last edited by LedgenZ; July 3rd, 2006 at 01:25 PM
Geez. This was delightful towards my eyes!
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Damn
I really dont see how this is gettin slept on or how u dont have that many replies to it..
first things first..
Topic and creativity were definitly intact..havent really seen another piece yet that can resembly such depth and modesty as ur and it definitly cought my eye thats a plus.
flow was precise didnt have me wonderin when and were ur lines would come out only real issue i had with this piece had nothing really to do with it persay just the font was extreamly small and im kinda blind so u no that didnt work
imagry was there from start to finish..while readin i felt and seen actions take course through out my head which made it oh so much better to read.
definitly lookin foward to more of your work
illness at its finest.
keep'm coming
^^something not to be taken lightlyOriginally Posted by Exact
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Your smooth flow made the lyrics simplistic but also because you didn't over use to much vocabulary. In which that is a good thing cause it's fluent and chillin to man. I liked the storyline in this as well, I could see stress built. You made the emotion felt deep on this one, helped m carry on through to the end. Overall I thought you did a great job with this, pretty similiar style of writting compared to mine.
rtf here: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...92#post4682292
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