"Can you Have your Silence Back?"

[Atti]

I took a vow of silence

... Never has one mute
Screamed in such serendipity,
While I walked the shadows
Of notes that never came to be
Holding a dying violin, spilling

Pockets full of common cents
I pick from a Styrofoam rose.
Right after Tuesday's blue
Eyed Jesus finished sipping
Yesterday's moon from it's ashes,

His broken bottle splinters
Promiscuous nature gifted dawn
With dusk's lacerations in tangent.

I danced...
With the backward bricks,
Mortar lips and forever's prefix
Drove sanity up an endless wall.

And here I was, speechless...
Asking the bellowing deaf man,
If he happened to have the time.

[Atti]

Bump...

[Seti]

This was good but in an odd way, much like your previous works. I liked it though never understood many aspects, some didn't make sense to me but then again i haven't been giving writing as much priority as i used to. The layout was aight but different much more squat then your other works and i liked the ending however, how can one be speechelss if he was bellowing at a deaf man. <----- I didn't get that part much. Technicaly it was good but i reckon you talekd in too much indirect metpahors in this maybe.

Anyway, i'll appreciate some comments on my new OM, "The Deity", thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299351

[Pluto]

this was sick

Please, if you're going to leave feed, make it good feed, one more like this, i'll consider it freeposting.
-Poeta.

[Atti]

'I took a vow of silence

... Never has one mute
Screamed in such serendipity,'

and

And here I was, speechless...
Asking the bellowing deaf man,
If he happened to have the time.

That's the point, he can't here me because I made a hastey decision previously... So I'm just making attempts at something that wont be, aka, it's Hopeless. So, the metaphors all work, you just have to figure them out.

[Atti]

I replied to something else you wrote already man, this makes us even. Feel free to go read my Om and then I'll reply to that piece.