De~Press vs $inister (Topical)

[Messiah.]

Topic : Suicide Letter.
Due : 26th June
Check In : Whenever
Unlimited Lines
House Rules
.
.
.
G/l Homie...
..

[Flavin.]

In.

[De~Press]

First topical.....

You see what appears to be an envelope....and it just lies there
you wonder what it is as you go to get it....with that curious stare
ripping the letter open you are overcome with feelings...what will it say?
hoping wildly that its not bad news deep in your heart you pray...

As you pull it open and it reveals the piece of paper you think....should i read this?
is it a hate letter a death threat a love note someone sending me a kiss ?
unfolding it....anxious...scared....the anticipation is hurting thee
then your eyes shoot open as you can't believe what you see...

Line by line your heart.....it just drops and sinks...
trying to figure it out...lokking for clues or links...
coming to the conclusion its a suicide letter you try to get in contact...
however when you call her cell the line is not intact...

No idea what to do you grab your keys and run...
pacing down the street you have no idea the deed is already done...
you open the gate of her friends and you hit the door...
she opens it and you inform her...she faints and hits the floor...

Showing no emotion for her at all you leave her lying...
but you have no choice your on a mission, your so focused your flying...
phoning her mother as you pelt down the sidewalk...
she can't understand you and tells you to come round to talk...

She's stood in the doorway as you make your way up to her...
"help, help, help" you shout...."where is your daughter"...
she informs she was going to the park for a walk...
she says "why" as you turn...you reply..."i have no time to take"...

Worried look on your face you view the park from a distance...
then from behind you comes her mother offering her assistance...
she asks "what's the worry"...."she's gunna kill herself"...
she is shocked you say to her..."calm down assert yourself"...

You go different ways but the search is short as you hear a scream...
this is were you hope to death, that this is all a dream...
you look up and there she is...............hung!...
We are in consolable...what a waste so pretty and young!...
..

[Flavin.]

Suicide Letter
A tear drop between eyelids, try to hide it, ridiculed and shoved
Pushed around and unloved, rubbed the wrong way, hardened by touch
Nothing but a simple game, can never play, never the same way
Stay back astray, away in shame, where brutal stares lay
Courts become a menace, can never fend, where’s your friends
Every time your sent, anxiously anticipating the end
Never lent a helping hand from your wealthy fam
A stealthy scam, had a newborn child and ran
Always home alone in your broken zone, groan in pain and moan
Loans and money more important, they don’t care your on your own
Broken, spoken down upon, spirit gone, the fear is on
Fed up with life, grasp a knife in the dead of night
Blurry eye sight, your shaking, forsaken your life
Entrust the rest in god, start to thrust, dust to dust
Mind rushes, adrenaline surge, blade touches
Skin rips, the pain so intense, knife slips, is death like this
Panting heavy, your not ready, they’ll never know why, so lets show them
Blood spilling through, your open wound is growing, time to write a poem

On my death bed, I show you cowards
Devoured my life, because of you, my final hours
Ill be some weight off your chest, put me to rest
Like you wished for years, through all my tears
You’re the reason I’m here, you new the cure
At the coroners office, they thinking suicide
Tell them you killed me since day one, It’s a homicide
All I wanted was time spent, instead my minds bent
I’ve been neglected, never resurrected my spirit
You love me now, fuck you, I don’t wanna here it
Steer your cries away, Don’t pray to me, I need no reply
Fuck what you gotta say now, I wanna die

Red blood spills on the paper, eyes gape at the work
Finally gonna get them back, call it your perk
Grasp the bloody knife again, make sure you aim it right
Grip the handle tight, your gonna die this time
.
.
.
Body hunched over on the desk, No pulse no breath
Maybe they’ll love you now, brought together by death

[Flavin.]

rise

[Reason.]

Decent verses from both of you, but I have to give it to Sinister.

De-Press| Your verse just didnt strike me as creative, it was a little bland. you stuck to the point, but in the end, it's about creativity. What i didn't like was, the filler of him stopping by her friends house and her mom's house, it kind of, to me, just took up useful space.

Sinister| Your vivid imagery, and use of vocab really pulle dmy vote this way. Granted, neither verse was great, this one pulled ahead by a nose. It ran together smoothly, and you didn't fill your verse up with useless lines, everything had a reason, and each line built on the previous one.

Granted, I'm hammered, so my reply may not be to the best of my ability, but for what it's worth, Sinister got my vote.

[Rancor]

Both verses were mediocre at most, yet they were both okay reads, De-Press your structure wasn't great you need to make the lines match more in lenght and also you need to start using imagery in your verse to make it more grasping.
Sinister again the structure wasn't great, vocab was aight i liked the way you approached the topic and presented it. \/ Sinister for having a more techinically sound verse.

[One]

both verses were ok but no eye catching

De-ur verse was iight...i could tell it was ur first topical...u need more imagery to sparken ur verse up...and like Apostle said dat filler took up useful space it was un called for...ur flow was ok but structure was offelevate

$in-ue verse was better dan hiz...u had better imagery and better vocab dan his...ur verse had good flow and structure which helped u out....u also started wit tha topic and ended wit tha topic...u had tha overalll better verse

\/=$inister no hate

[Flavin.]

rise

[Mc SuFFeR]

yo both verses wer good,
de- ur verse was iight but u need a more flowing structural concept with ur poetic shit iight .
sin- i felt ur verse more with more teknix n a nice concept of how u structured and used wordplay around your topic

v/ sinister

[Flavin.]

#3.

[Witty]

wtf $inister did NOT deserve those four votes,I am an experienced topical head and it is clear to be that de-press had by far the better verse. If that's not clear to you then your either retarded or you don't have a poetic bone in you.

Breakdown
De-Press: I thought this was a very impressive verse for your first time,you had the basics down very well. I liked your storyline,the suicide topic is quite played but you made it your own,props on that.Your imagery was what stuck out the most in your verse,you described everything perfectly and left no part of this verse untouched. flow was fine and so was your structure........your vocab could be better,and maybe your wording in a few places,but this was as I have said,a very impressive peice by you especialy considering that it was your first ever topical battle. props.

$inister: I did not like your verse very much......it is clear that you can tell a story and that you know what you are talking about,but evrything in this verse was just too vague.your imagery would have been very good if you had went further and described everything[B] with vervent detail,instead there were a lot of places that were left undescribed and bare...you need to work on that. your storyline was alright,it was kind of played but not too bad,I think it was the best part of your verse.flow was choppy mainly due to bad wording in a lot of places. mediocre verse,keep elevating

my verse has got to got to De-Press,his verse kept me interested and his flow made it very easy to read.

v/De-Press

PM me if you have a problem with my vote.

pz.

[Flavin.]

thanks for the feed
rise

[NYspitta]

(de-press)- i think ur verse was better, i like ur rhyme scheme, and ur imagery, ur's kept me occupied in readin it, it held alot of interest, i was feelin ur whole verse

(sinister)- i think ur verse was good too, u had a good rhyme scheme and imagery, but urs jus didnt hold my attention as much, no hate jus not as interesting,

no hate overal vote/ de-press

[Messiah.]

uppin......