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Thread: The Sixth Disciple: The Wrinkled Virgin

  1. November 20th, 2005, 10:24 PM #1
    Syk.iLL
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    The Sixth Disciple: The Wrinkled Virgin

    Sweat percipated down his throat as he waited
    Diffusing into his dreams - his thirst satiated
    He patiently waited as he fingers debated wheter or not
    To open the door before his wrinkled brain forgot
    The excitement adrenaline pumped through his soul

    But he didnt know, blood clot rocked his neurons to let these sights unfold

    He could feel his sanity untwine and unclothe
    Soon spasms of orgasms explode and nightmares corrode
    Into visions of women ripped from seizure episodes

    His ears rang- the bell reminding him he was asleep
    Change mingling in wrinkles that ran deep
    His thoughts became mooroned alone in wet dreams
    His fingers fiddledwith riddle of multiple combination locks
    The steady beat of clocks, rocked their hands to a tick-tock

    Looking down he saw the grim reaper lips kiss
    And made out with his first and last moments of bliss
    Its white enamled teeth still dripping with liquid
    His voice groped a death note- his speech clearly pre-scripted

    "Passion will vanish when the clock strikes twelve"
    Without the love of god... may you drown in hell"

    Decapitated his head fell- smell the aroma and kiss the floor
    His vision fade as he debates wheter his soul his there anymore

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250690
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250776

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  2. November 21st, 2005, 06:49 AM #2
    Syk.iLL
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  3. November 21st, 2005, 03:37 PM #3
    Syk.iLL
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  4. November 21st, 2005, 03:45 PM #4
    Young News
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    It's coming to my attention that these pieces are falling together or that they are all apart of one big story. Once again good usage of words to paint a picture, liking the fact that this isn't a " popped my nine dropped dimes" rhyme. Keep it up
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  5. November 21st, 2005, 08:10 PM #5
    Syk.iLL
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  6. November 27th, 2005, 06:13 PM #6
    Syk.iLL
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  7. November 27th, 2005, 06:56 PM #7
    EyeBite
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    toic was good...interesting
    flow was smooth and strucutre was even
    vocab was iight...i could viualize things
    complxity was kind of here.......
    obverall this was a good drop
    keep it up.....peace
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  8. November 27th, 2005, 07:11 PM #8
    Got Soul? ©
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    creative topic. Vocab was ok,could of stretched it to a higher level. Storyline could of been a bot better but interesting none the less.
    Instead of starting numourous lines with "his" try using a describing word instead.

    for instance..

    vigulant ears rang- the bell reminding him he was asleep
    Change mingling in wrinkles that ran deep
    numourous thoughts became mooroned alone in wet dreams
    shivering fingers fiddledwith riddle of multiple combination locks


    Just adds more vision to your peice and at times more depth and emotion.
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  9. November 27th, 2005, 10:02 PM #9
    Syk.iLL
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  10. December 8th, 2005, 06:16 PM #10
    Syk.iLL
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    ~Anyone wanna collab?~

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  11. May 8th, 2006, 06:24 PM #11
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