The Lost Soldier (Revised)

[Laureate]

The Lost Soldier

Boom…
The sky lit up with unnamed colors, as bombs hailed down to Earth
The threat was real as mass destruction annihilated God’s birth
Hope vanished as the thought of peace was carried out on a stretcher
And our Father cried as Mother Nature cracked under the pressure
All living organisms burned alive, death surrounded all
Our once thriving advanced society, screeched and finally stalled
The sky was black with smoke and hate, the ground was a fiery land
As flames leaped to lick the sky, flickering over the damned
A single body laid untouched, high above the carnaged face
Peering out over the pending extinction of the human race

He sat upon the barren waste, that once he called his home
A desolate place suiting the devil’s taste, with only rubble and stone
An army vet of thirteen years, with no rivals left to hunt
Nuclear threat was no more, because everything was used up
He stared across the battlefield, where corpses fried in midday heat
The stench was almost too much to bear, rotting life and singed meat
Looked as far as his eyes could see, but saw nothing to regret
His M-16 lay at his feet, lost without an enemy target
Slowly rising to his feet, he glanced in four directions
Dropped his conscience and his will, walked away and left them

Not knowing what he should do next, he wondered towards tomorrow
He held his bleeding heart in his hand, covered in blood and sorrow
Searching for any signs of life, or comfort from what was past
Searching for any future that he might salvage and unmask
He stumbled through ghost towns that weren’t there the day before
So new that even the risen ghosts, were left confused and bored
Eerie silence followed him, encasing his empty shell
Squinted eyes could barely see, through this hazy hell
Dust and soot masked the air, and left the sun deeply hidden
Apocalypse had finally come, what God started Man had finished

He cried and yelled up towards the heavens, why did he survive?
Billions of people disintegrated, yet he was left alive
He tried to feel some remorse, but found he didn’t care
Fate and happened, that was that, it was only fair
But something stirred inside his mind, remainders of his soul
And new light shined upon his eyes, revealing this wasted hole
He wished he died and that was that, for now he was truly lost
He had survived this persistent war, but was it worth the cost?

[Laureate]

up...

[CrazyCarl]

There was a lot about this poem I liked. I liked the unnamed colors, because it gives the sense of originality, or never before seen. 'Lick the sky' made me think of 'kiss the sky' from purple haze. I liked that a gun is lost without a target, good concept, also going with Lost Soldier, even his gun is lost, thought that was nice as well. In the third stanza, first line, 'wandered' seems like it fits better. Also in the fourth stanza, fourth line, don't know if it's supposed to be 'fate had happened.' Ending on a question worked here.

[Atti]

Hmmmm, definately not my favorite piece of yours, but this still had it's possitive qualities. There was quite a few lines that really just stood out to me as almost legandary... When I hit them I was just so awed and blown away by them,

"As flames leaped to lick the sky, flickering over the damned"

I really just loved that, the imagery was just so beautiful... It really made me think of just the constant bombing and ravaging of the land and just kind of sitting back as the explosion kind of consume the land. It was just a very classic line, nothing over the top or super flashy... Just elegant and perfectly worded.

"Not knowing what he should do next, he wondered towards tomorrow
He held his bleeding heart in his hand, covered in blood and sorrow"

This line again, it starts with the wondering into tomarrow, which isn't anything to creative or mind blowing... Yet there's just such a beautiful quality about it that makes it just so undeniably perfect. Then you followed up with a nice metaphore which was perfect timing because the contrast of basic leading into more complex really wowed me. Although, I wish you didn't using "Blood and sorrow" just because you just said bleeding which made it slightly redundant.

Uuum, ya, overall a great read. One thing about your work is that I can't always point out or justify why I loved sertain lines... But I just do. You just have this super elegant style that just leaves every line, wether basic or complex, imprinting in the readers mind. So, great job Laur, glad to see you dropping again cuz it feels like I haven't seen you actually posting around here in forever.

And, I know it's not a poem... But I'd really apreciate it if you could feed my new Om:
"When the Elephant Walks..."
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287748

It's basically poetry... The poets who read it can see how it's an Om, yet the topical heads all just think it's a poem. But, I'd really love to hear what you think about it. Thanks man, stay up.

[Civilized Rebel]

The overall image of a lost soldier was painted excellently. I think that's the best part. That the majorest point of this peice, was accomplished so well.

There are little things about it, sure. I didn't like the rhyming, got a bit on my nerves. But that was really about it. Things like losing one's weapon because it has no purpose without an enemy, the initial destruction of everything ending with the smoke and dust clearing, all that adds up to an image. An excellently crafted image.

LW

Edit: When I think about it though, what I liked best was the neutrality. I mean, yeah it's mentioned the devil and god and all that. And the soldier's intentions of taking life clear. Yet he's just as much of a victim as he is a villian. I think that was the best part. When good and evil are balanced.

[Laureate]

thanks, up

[RhymeSwift]

well....i aint know ya that much.but i can tell that you have some very unique skills..your expression here was very deep......you made your point clear...............your structure was og low quality.......but your good..dont get me wrong.........maybe you'll like to do a poem with me???its up to you........overall.good peice...................................p-e-a-c-e............