Fifteen

[Dyl]

Fifteen

South of the bridge on Seventeenth
I found,one summerday,
a motorcycle with engine running
as it lay on its side,ticking over
slowly in the high grass.I was Fifteen


I admired all that pulsing gleam,the
shiny flanks,the shy headlights,
grass fringed where it lay;I led it gently,
to the road and stood with that
companion,ready and friendly.I was Fifteen


We could find the end of a road,meet
the sky on out Seventeenth.I thought about
hills,and patting the handle got back a
confident responce.On the bridge we indulged
a foward feeling,a tremble.I was Fifteen



Thinking,back further in the grass I found
the owner,just coming to,where we had flipped
over the rail.He hadblood on his hand,was pale-
I helped him walk to his machine.He ran his hand
over it,called me a good man,roared away.

I stood there,Fifteen

[Ether Spitter]

damn this woulda been dope as fuck,...but your sorry ass structure threw the shit off!...man this shit was nice...fix ya structure tho!

[Dyl]

^^haha bro you dont have a clue what i'm actually doing,do you?

can I get feedback from someone who knows something about poetry

[Ether Spitter]

lol...ok white boy...just tryin to help

[Poeta Demonio]

lol...ok white boy...just tryin to help

hey less of the white boy, black boy.

[Ether Spitter]

i apologize...fa real.....

Dyl..brah...you see that...i apologized...

just not for my comment about your work tho

yo

[shazzzzzar]

this was a real nice poem. your imagery was excellent, i could picture everything that was going on. your vocabulary was really good. this was really good. basically all things i read from you are excellent. jus keep writin and postin, ill be lookin for more of your peices. good poem

[Boris Funk]

haha, yeah - its cool.

i was afraid you'd ruin it by having some overblown ending, but it stays strong- nice words like shy and motorcycle, nice imagery blah blah, just cool

but accept the bad feedback too white boy lol

[emsteez forreal]

tight. i knew it was gonna lead up to something dramatic at the end, good use of imagery and using the flashback to convey your message.

[RhymeSwift]

no offense but.......satructure through it off my nigga..............but good words..............peep my poems......p-e-a-c-e.............

[*Jazzmine*]

str8 poem you dropped
this is the first time in a while i've seen a poem writtin the way poems usually are supposed to be wrote but this was good stayed on topic but it couldve beenkinda longer tho u did good with what you had

[Dyl]

None of you actually get what I am trying to do.If you actually look at it proerly you will actually see what I have donr is quite clever.
At the very end I leave "I stood there Fifteen" on its own because he is implimenting that he is 15 and that the man who own the motorcycle has driven off leaving him all alone.That is is why I put it on its own.Most people that left feed dont no shit about poems and the feedback is pathetic.

[Boris Funk]

nooo, people liked the way you put words together - they dont care about the stupid little sub stories... lol -

so chill!

[Ether Spitter]

None of you actually get what I am trying to do.If you actually look at it proerly you will actually see what I have donr is quite clever.
At the very end I leave "I stood there Fifteen" on its own because he is implimenting that he is 15 and that the man who own the motorcycle has driven off leaving him all alone.That is is why I put it on its own.Most people that left feed dont no shit about poems and the feedback is pathetic.

lol...he critiqued his own work.... :hung:

i saw what u were gettin at bruh....still elevate...dont show ya ego son

[Mackin']

dope, i had a feel reading this piece..