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Thread: Countdown of Anxiety

  1. #1
    Banned
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    Countdown of Anxiety

    Very long i know i apologize but it has a little bit of e/thing 4shadowing,twizts a plot etc. ENJOY!




    The Final Countdown

    Eyelids wrinkled shut death playing apon embracing faces
    Juicing pours sweat puddling the floor;a heavy heart races
    hands glisten with slippery palms mind temporarily inactive
    no action delt dearranged thoughts whirlwind on what happend

    amazingly, eyelids give birth to sight joy bombards the crowd
    faces bewilderly venture around dumbfounded by there were about
    blood pumps excitment promising these people to believe in fate
    life is equainted on how you make it when times ticking grows faint

    stunned bodies awake by a helping hand and a smile of emphasis
    voices reminisce retracing their days path towards the buildings exits
    laughter echoes the walls,a piercing halt a scream echoes the ground
    pupils immediately intranced to a blood written message.........
    ...............................Time Is Mysterious...The Final Countdown

    Back in Time
    Sun awakes the horizon spotlighting business workers entering their work
    Coffee feinds friends & enemies dressed in $100 suits and business skirts
    Multi-million dollar corporation built around safisticated sabotaged slaves
    working 10 hour days in a 3 story maze,working themselves to the grave
    Eyes rest apon darkend bags withering for love of the job or endless pay
    wearin gold coated name tags on business coats for an impeccable display
    exceptional phase no distractions in way except for the day that is today
    fast moving clocks Stop!freeze time recording files crash as lights flash
    30 seconds of darkness sparks light to every screen the building has
    Blank screens capture eyes of anxiety thoughts of deity still the walls
    Then chilling scripts begin terrorizing the screens frightning all..............
    the message clear and crisp ends with a SUPRISE!as virtual blood falls

    Screams of terror reak havoc on the workers vocal chords
    worried victims want more running to heavily lockd doors
    while some minds replay the sickning message in horror..........


    Hello, to all who take time for granted; working endless hours
    receiving the benefit of pay sitting in a office symbolized as cowards
    holding power of self importance aborting family and friends.
    I, as have others had enough of ur torture and death may send a visit
    because you toy with our emotions,so this is the end..........or is it

    P.S. Time Is always Ticking.......Life just may end with a BANG
    !
    Panic prevails in petrified eyes seeing people view life now as empty
    on screen the bomb detinating in minutes counts down from twenty
    goodbyes are said amongst the call of a current bomb threat
    about to leave hundreds dead who just dont get the situation yet
    phones in each hand,tears run the speakers speaking disbelief
    hearts grieve not ready to leave,looking for a way out with no relief
    some pray some cuss god or question why they came to work today
    realizing they workd for money knowing now they would have to pay
    a voice alerts a mass crowd down on spirts that the time is now ten
    better left unsaid spirits dead, heads rise up only to drop down again
    insanity grows random outbursts startled quitters staring off in space
    blood drained faces,eyes circled red from crying in a prisoned place
    the tock from the clock grows loud;ear drums scream of pain & shakes
    minutes left agonizing pain aggravates on waiting with headaches
    all at once hundreds of different people of all races and religions
    gather as one entity living out destiny awaiting silent in lasting minutes
    eyes shut mind drained of pain goodbyes travel one by one around
    chins meet chests,knees rest on ground as only seconds countdown
    5 seconds left they await....1...2..3...4..5 ...............BANG!
    But wait heads rize there was nothing, was there a mistake
    All confuzed tension drops all begin tearful laughter of a cruel prank
    running to the exit as hearts sank from the blood written message
    ............................Time Is Mysterious...The Final Countdown

    Crued confusion fills knowledge craving individuals scared to death
    who wish to walk home to live another day and nothing less
    once again bodies weak from a rollercoaster of emotions
    theories wisp around the room but all show nobody is going
    for not really knowing everybody slowing to rest instead
    only to be shocked by a flash to a screen were typing started again
    another message a young man said starting to read it out loud

    Now you know how it feels to be teased by time, well this time
    your day of work really will end on the exact hour you say
    now overtime today all your "shifts" end at exactly 5:00
    Immediately as an army of one the gathered people look at the clock
    4:59 it read............
    lifes in shock as the second hand had only 10 seconds until 5 oclock
    The whole city either in person or on the news watched time elapse
    5:00 came............
    with nearly no time past,the building exploded & soon after collapsed


    explosion left hundreds of people dead
    by result of an unexpected bomb threat



    News Reporter:
    The bombers were caught hours later in a nearby building,
    who had full access to all the systems running in the building.
    The sad thing was it was no terrorist group. Matter of fact it
    was one young genius child at the age of 18. Who was the
    son to the business owner, whos only crime in his eyes was
    wanting his father to pay attention to him more then his time
    at work.
    Last edited by Spekz; March 24th, 2006 at 01:10 AM

  2. #2
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    *Doubts I will get any good FB for awhile*

    ...Sadness runs over me...


    LINKS:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=280726
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=281031

  3. #3
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    Well Hope some people can find the time to read this and leave some honest feedback....

    as for tonight


    Im Out Yall

    pec

  4. #4
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    Uppn 4 some adequate feedback..igh

  5. #5
    hazze
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    yo its ight i guess

  6. #6
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    You seem to be having a problem with the transitions in your drops. I feel in order to pull off lenghty verse, you need to really have great transitions and orginazation. So far, I have seen this to be your worst enemy right now. YOu have down the basics, and you do have soem rather good concepts going, but the arangment of your verse lacks. I find that your problem is not content, but the display and presentation of it. You need to work out the details of yoru verse and do so in a fluid manner so that the reader stays alert. This peice could be so much better than it is, with a simple reorginization and more attention paid to the transitions. Until you get over this issue, you are going to be frustrated both in SS and in OM. Try some new things and keep in mind that your reader will need to be held by each section of your drop.

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  7. #7
    Banned
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    Thanks Bounce...ur fb is always apprecaited


    Keep it comin

  8. #8
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    honestly for as long as ive been on this site ive always hated givin feedback after bounce,he always covers all the small things thats wrong with a piece,wether it be something minor or something more,either way,i liked this piece,i love tha poetic feel you give to your pieces,other than what bounce said,i like your pieces and even the small problems with your transactions arent enough for me to discredit your work,its something new and different than alot of cats drop on this site,either way,keep droppin and perfectin your pieces,~1~


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  9. #9
    Banned Knukkles's Avatar
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    were do i start

    nice shit

    very hot

  10. #10
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    For the length of the piece. I believe it was well written ..but lengthy pieces never can turn out perfect. They're always hard to check and hard to keep up with. and being that it's really long, it shows that either your topic has a lot to say .. (Which is only ocassional ..) or you're falling off between lines. You CAN'T stray off man ..it's not a good thing. As for your whole concept/storyline ..you did real good here. I like the way you write and always have ..it's nice. I remember when we did the diaries .. I knew you had potential when we brought you in ..Vamp saw it too. You've come a long ways, so keep writing, but keep them short ..heartfelt, and to the point! Alright? most people don't WANT to read that much, but some do. Pieces like this bring out the best people ..but the little pieces GRAB the most attention ..SO keep writing ..good job

    !Nash ..Bottom link in my sig ..

  11. #11
    ★ェㅆ エLLり™★
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    Good work Spekz, I liked the wordplay you hard and your Vocab was very good, The story was well thought out and nicely worded..In my eyes, you did very well...It was long as hell, but taking the time to read it was worth it, Good job spekz

  12. #12
    Banned ghostflow's Avatar
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    this was a good drop, but this is not the best u have done. this piece flowed smoothly, and had a clear imagry, but basic also. the topic was nice, and i like the whole story line in this piece. very complex also. some parts of the pieces grab my attention, the multies were okay, but the vocabulary flowed smoothly in pieces. this was well writen.

    peep the sig

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