Soldier Of Pain

[Dark_Shadow]

imma real soldier of pain, living life miserable
living in a hood where no body cares for you
and u pray every nite that sumone will be there for you
u spent ur whole nite praying, thinking iz hell real, i should start spraying
this is a open mic about my life, i dont gotta stay on topic
all u fakes claimin to be going thru what im going thru plz just stop it
honestly i will never understand this society
every step i take iz another hoe lying to me
and i dont believe in that bitch lady liberty
cuz of there was the 5 wouldnt be harrasing my family
i gotta do what a growing nigga from the hood gotta do
if my baby iz crying then imma go & pop some fool'
my number 1 goal iz to get a job & finish skool
dont smoke weed kids, thats whats really cool
all the real niggas of the world do what they wanna do
all the bitch niggas do what there told to do
so i rep of those real niggas, pulling triggers
tryna get a job mugging, making 3 figures
i spit the real shit for all the blood, kings and crips behind bars
come out and try to become rap stars
but the cops keep handcuffin me, taking me to jail, packed wit blacks
did 1 year for possession of a Gat
imma the realest nigga on Rapbattles and thats a Fact

Soldier Of Pain
Scars on my heart are kept contained
everyday, another pain sustained
my menality iz at stake, so far i stay metained


Every Day as i chill on the block, i think about world issues
fiend comes by sneezing pass the crackbaby a tissue
the crooked cops come by im loading my pistol
blow a pig away, nobody will miss you
imma NIGGERICAN so that cops are alwaying harrasing
i dont tell em' my idenity they still be asking
i think ur a bitch if ur a snitch, i'll fuck ur bitch, some call it sex
heres a tech, do me the favor, shot ur self in the neck


Soldier Of Pain
Scars on my heart are kept contained
everyday, another pain sustained
my menality iz at stake, so far i stay metained

[justrude]

meh, this was not a good piece. i think you've got the ability yo write good om's but nothing rhymed. your structure was bad, your wordplay was childish, and your flow was off. basically, just do better next time. pz.

[Cody Nash]

I respect how you TRIED to write something decent and covered up the horribleness with the text style ..but that doesn't work. You really need to up your imagination and vocabulary. Come up with a storyline in your head or if you can't grasp that. make an outline of what you want to happen in a story. Start by using simple words and metaphorical terms or Irony in your piece. Then as you get better, move on to bigger and better words that YOU understand. You can't just write shit that rhymes and expect a good piece. YOU must understand the writing too ..keep trying

!Nash

[Dark_Shadow]

thnx for the honest feedback...

[Chancellor]

You Need Two links

This piece wasnt that good i mean your structure was godd but that was just about it =\ flow was off sometimes imagery wasnt good if there was any and topic was not good for example i didnt like your hook the 3rd line didnt flow with the other 2 but hey at least your structure was good nice try add image,Flow,and Vocab nd your piece would of been 100% better