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Thread: "The Garden of Eden"

  1. #1

    "The Garden of Eden"

    That last withering blink sinks
    into the grasp of linking lashes
    and said never again will this iris
    dance in such a glimmering fashion,
    but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
    from the rabbit's cavernous palace
    to patternless grounds of valance
    to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
    To the blind the beauty is mind,
    use of which is the fuse lit to find
    such is the handicaps last stance.
    So the dams are barbed and roped,
    and the man of smiling scars holds
    to find the art of design in a mile of hope.

    Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
    tries to lose his sight as the light
    pries through loops and writes lines
    along side the wide end of his noose,
    as he resumes a fast descent through
    the brain's metal chutes again
    ....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
    Takes that last step left of sane
    and dances the fence that intersects
    two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
    Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
    to transcend reason and land pardoned
    ...................... In the Garden of Eden.


    Im thinking about going into description about the garden of eden and continue this piece... Any thoughts?

    Replied to Syntext & Partee
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
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    Yo this is some poetry shit, the fuck u drop it here for?

  3. #3
    Although it has alot of poetic values, it was still written to flow on a beat... Therefor it's an open mic, and you're a moron.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
    Soule
    Guest
    shiit man that was some dope shit there man... after the first few bars there i was hooked...
    That last withering blink sinks
    into the grasp of linking lashes
    and said never again will this iris
    dance in such a glimmering fashion,
    ^^ pure genious my friend...
    The vocab was outstanding... the description u used, the medaphors word play and everything was amazing and inspiring... although a very short piece, your few words painted a picture in such an amazing detail in my mind... the rhyme scheme was amazing, i saw many multis in there and that was good 2... the best part about your rhyme scheme and multis was that it flowed nicely and it didnt seem like you rhymed because you had 2, it seemed as though it was a perfect fit and it came out in rhyme almost coincidentally... the only thing i didnt like about this piece was the structure... the bars were very short, that made it almost a little more difficult to read, and im not a big fan of putting ................................ at the start of my lines just so it would all be even and look pretty... try and use words to take the place of those...

    but all in all it was amazing, you have quite the talent... return the favor and drop feed on my OM in my sig... thanx...

  5. #5
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