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Thread: For You.

  1. February 12th, 2006, 11:55 AM #16
    tonecrusher
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    your past was lovely, mine was somethin you aint been-through,
    Ive cracked bats, to cats backs, for sayin shit against-you,

    ^Respeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeect

    you got your nails-done, hair-bunned you compare-to-none,
    my hearts for frail-fun, I stare stunned as I cherish-one,

    ^Weak, I think. Especially 'you got your nails done', I don't know, seems to me you you could do without it.

    I agree with the other dude about internal rhymes, it's hot man, wanna see more of this style.

    Keep it up.

    Peace.

    Krit!cal.
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  2. February 12th, 2006, 12:11 PM #17
    Gucci.
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    Decent. You've got the rhythm. You've got the vocabulary. Sum nice imagery. I think vocab n imagery were the best things here. ....could've been more emotion but over all i was feeling it. Work on a lil more of a story. Give the reader sum suspense and want to keep knowing wat happens next. With that....you'll become a very nice topical head. Keep writing. You've got alot of potential.
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  3. February 12th, 2006, 01:07 PM #18
    $pitacular
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    this was ok, but riddled with multi-driven vocab that was unneccessary. dont try so hard to rhyme so much, it takes away from the quality of the piece... pz
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  4. February 12th, 2006, 01:09 PM #19
    tonecrusher
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    In addition to what I said before, completely agreed with $pitacular
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  5. February 12th, 2006, 02:15 PM #20
    -IsIs-
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    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    aight cool thanks for the feed uppin.
    The R.
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  6. February 12th, 2006, 02:20 PM #21
    spader
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    personally......your fellins came through here........next time though...............................do the damn same..................good verse cuz/......

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  7. February 12th, 2006, 06:14 PM #22
    -IsIs-
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    thanks for the feed. uppin for some more.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-
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  8. February 12th, 2006, 08:02 PM #23
    -IsIs-
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    rise.
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  9. February 13th, 2006, 12:04 AM #24
    -IsIs-
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    rise for more feed.
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  10. February 13th, 2006, 11:43 AM #25
    -IsIs-
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  11. February 13th, 2006, 11:54 AM #26
    P. Mortuus
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    Yeah another quality piece from ya, i preciate the effort ya put in with internal/multiple rhymes, ya vocab stood out quite a bit, however will you be able to fit it all in for audio?.........if you could then do, as this was a good piece......

    check this if ya got time, Part 2 of hidden diaries........"the hidden diaries: Cannibalistic needs"

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271537
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  12. February 13th, 2006, 11:58 AM #27
    -IsIs-
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    yo b. i JUST peeped it ahaha. some real dope shit homie. and yea i got a beat lined up im just waitin for my new mic to get here.
    The R.
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  13. February 13th, 2006, 12:38 PM #28
    -IsIs-
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  14. February 13th, 2006, 02:13 PM #29
    -IsIs-
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  15. February 13th, 2006, 02:45 PM #30
    EmCeE NG
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    Yeah some real shit there! Sounds sick flow n vocab on point all the way through! Some pretty complex lines in there! Sick shit!

    Peace
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