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Thread: Deja Vu

  1. #1
     
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    Deja Vu

    Restless Sleep
    Tossing and turning all about, vivid images fulfill thine visions.
    A dream broadcasting futures horribly wrong and bad decisions.
    Deranged murderer, intent to kill; fixed upon destroying thee’.
    Lurking here, whispers of a faint apparition traveling steadily.
    Never moving, just staring at me from across and over yonder.
    Will he relieve me of this anxiety and nervousness? I ponder.
    As I find thine eyes embarking on a new attraction to behold,
    Glimpse of he strikes my view, stories of fear loathing go untold.
    As I panic, I childishly run from thine fears, I dare not face them,
    Cold sweat strikes the forehead, night horror causing all mayhem.
    But as things settle, it seems calm suddenly things turn for the worst.
    Eyes glowing, frames showing him rushing in, my mind is cursed.
    The build up emotion becoming all too much, everything fades away.
    Narcoleptic moment passing out, and waking clammy the next day.
    Rubbing thine eyes, rid me of the visions just sought to be fatal.
    What goes on here? Is this fate? No, this is all just the devils label.

    Stroll in the Park
    Twas midday, clouds dim the environment setting a picture of doom.
    Seemingly miserable out, yet birds chirp on and flowers still bloom.
    Lingering by the bench, sit down to flash back, reflect and reminisce.
    Act as if thine life matters, glorify myself with profound eminence.
    A familiar face here and there, never expecting this next ordeal,
    When I peer out upon the noel, a moral trauma appears unhealed.
    A man sits still, peering upon the same general area as thee.
    Showing facial expressions with intrigue, sensing the fear in me.

    “No lord,
    this cannot be,
    his face
    is in thine memory.
    Bestowing horror,
    And regret.
    upon my soul,
    I shall not forget.
    I love thee,
    is this a test?
    Hath you shown
    This demonic
    Manifest,
    To make me pure,
    Clean my slate.
    Reprieve thine sins,
    subside thine hate?”

    Piercing pain felt beneath thine skin, cold sweat once again showing.
    Blink multiple times, I feel this fear as his eyes are red and glowing.
    Unexplained definition of why I endure this mental punishment.
    Déjà vu of thine ultimate fears, restore my faith, live let die and lament.
    Roc-A-Fella !

  2. #2
     
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    Last edited by ~WhiteOut~; January 6th, 2006 at 01:25 PM
    Roc-A-Fella !

  3. #3
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    your vocab was good, but you seriously lack flow. you have good structure and concepts however. your rhymes are nice. this sounds like poetry though.

  4. #4
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    this was a tight piece i was feeling the creativity
    but it felt more like i was reading a poem more than a rap
    but i defenitly see potential keep writing ..........

  5. #5
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    you on some poetry shit, but it was decent


    i dont know if its hip hop though, try spittin that to a beat, it wont sound good

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    "I rap like no one out there can fuck with me"


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  6. #6
     
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    *sigh* at you kids not understanding what a topical is.. Yes it lacks flow, but it also has punctuation in it therefore it shouldnt flow too beautifully. And yes there was a bit of poetry thrown in there but, that isnt at all making this a poem. If i was spitting a quote "rap" then I wouldnt use such big words and punctuation. Please try to comprehend what i'm writing before you say that it's not a rap, because its not supposed to technically be a rap.

    *sighs again* upping...
    Roc-A-Fella !

  7. #7
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    open "MIC" on a site called "RAP" battles.

    if you didnt write that for a hip hop song, then you needa comprehend that theres a poetry section and a short story section.


    kid.

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    "I rap like no one out there can fuck with me"


    i gave you honest feed, so be honest with me
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  8. #8
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    ^ This isnt just for rap you dumbass. Half the shit written as verses gets deleted or closed because Bounce can no longer take whack fucks like yourself. This, and the poetry section, are two VERY different forums. Before you THINK you know what your talking about, I advise you look it up first.

    Great peice White.

    I'll edit this with feed later.

  9. #9
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    Sick, cool concepts, dope flow towards the end
    Your word play was awesome.
    And i dug most of this... no real criticism.

    Nice read and drop.

  10. #10
     
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    Thank you Po' for understanding..

    Status, its cool if you have little feed, aslong as you know whats going on.

    *cough*unwritten*cough*hazard*cough*
    Roc-A-Fella !

  11. #11
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    dopeness--------------i think u had good vocab structure errythang--keep it up

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  12. #12
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    WhiteOut is sexyful.

    Imagery and vocab was pretty tight here, i enjoyed the piece. a lot of doper heads sleep on u because you have a herbish sounding name. but once people read it, they're like, oh shit, so keep on with ur shit cuz ur getting better and better. pz.

  13. #13
    Mikey B
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    he's but dope but stop d/r yeah this was cool white---oh and when u can PM ME

  14. #14
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    It was good i like the extended vocab and i like how you kept it constant and didnt fall off what you tryin to say best line is
    But as things settle, it seems calm suddenly things turn for the worst.
    Eyes glowing, frames showing him rushing in, my mind is cursed.
    The build up emotion becoming all too much, everything fades away.
    Narcoleptic moment passing out, and waking clammy the next day.

  15. #15
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    i liked the imagery and i thought it was creative even tho the flow wasn't orthodox i still liked it, i could really see Jeru the Damaja spitting that over a Premo beat

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