Cronulla Race Riots

[Heathen]

Hey, I'm a drummer and i i've only recently just started writing lyrics so yeah, give me some feedback.

Another night
Another fight
Another pack of cigs
Another white suburbanite
Dreaming of heights that can't be reached.

Because brawls aren't like they are on TV
You can't close your eyes when Shiit gets queezy.
You swing untill your knuckles bare bone
Especially when you're hitting close to home.

I prayed for inspiration,
God gave me a civil war
To bring pen to paper
And make a nations Jaw fall

How many times....
Have you caught an awkward eye
And looked around for your own skin type

How many times....
Have you used racism as a punchline
Not knowing that punchlines pan out
and form punching lines.

How many times
Have you sent your children back to the stable
After knocking their ego down
And explaing life isn't a fairy tale.

Dont kid yourself kid.
They want someone to think deep
They need another soldier
With black boots on their feet.



Uh, i wrote this about all the race riots that are going down in my home town Cronulla at the moment.

[Heathen]

Feedback?

[MakeShyft™]

ouch.. this needs much work.


Your vocabulary was very small. Your imagery and emotion were off. Your structure was chopped up and that threw off your flow aswell. You need to work on some of these things before you get to be a good poet.



pS. leave links to poems that you have left feedback on because if you dont they will close this thread and you wont be able to get feedback on it.


word..


you can feed mine if you want! lol