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Thread: when my life ends

  1. #1
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    I reside in the city of west valley Utah
    Posts
    6

    when my life ends

    The second god takes my life the world will begin to end//people will feel my sufferin and the day of redemption will begin//betta git on it and set your priorities straight//cause when judgement day comes you hope to see an open gate//you don't want eternal damnation fo the rest of eternal years//being constantly burned while crying boiling bloody tears//you want paradise and females surroundin the place//not outer darkness and toxic gasses all in yo face//make no mistake//make haste//fix yo face//and get ready cause when I go down ya'll comin along//eternally wit me singin deaths song//what's wrong//I thought ya'll where gangstas nothin would bring you down//but i'm a livin legend aside betta then the rest of the clowns//so get ready hold on to somethin and pray for dear death//cause death comes quikly suckin out yo last breath//so breathe relax I ain't goin down yet// this just the begginin one move the first glorious step

  2. #2
    PhillyKat
    Guest
    There were parts of self-glory that the piece could do without. I liked the concept of singing death's song. Pieces structured like this don't get much feedback. Overall topic was pretty straightforward. Some rhymes felt forced, the more you write the less this will happen.

  3. #3
    PhillyKat
    Guest

  4. #4
    StRiNgThEoRy
    Guest
    Multies: A couple good ones
    Vocab: Better than most
    Flow: Good
    Structure: Not the best

    ADVICE:
    Fix ya structure...however it was a good read, straight drop

    VERDICT: 7.5/10

    ...elevate...

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