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Thread: Tears of a Soldiers Wife ft. Dope Name

  1. #1
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Harrisburg
    Age
    35
    Posts
    4,807
    Battle Record
    18-9

    Tears of a Soldiers Wife ft. Dope Name

    Tears of a Soldier's Wife


    She gave him to her country with a blessing on his head
    She found his name this morning in the long list of the dead..


    Dinner was set, candles lit and wine glasses filled to the brim..
    Expecting him at 5, and at 5:15 a taxi cab pulled in..
    Ringing the doorbell, tears in his eyes, stomach weak, he can barely stand..
    Grasping tight to a Certificate and a Folded flag in his trembling hand..
    Her nerves building up, smile comes about her face and her heart racing fast..
    Unaware that the best memories she'll have w/ him, are the ones of the past..
    Peering out the hole, her stomach drops as she says "oh no"..
    "This cant happen to me, we belong together, he cant go"..
    Handing her the envolope, already moist with his tears..
    Watching as she reads the scripts to her ultimate fears..
    Breaking down, she falls, scuffing her brand new skirt..
    Words of support, he wants to help, all that comes out is "I know it hurts"..
    Weeping in misery, her beauty fleets as her make-up runs..
    Flipping through her photo album, all her desires have come undone..
    Reading and rereading the love letters he sent from time to time..
    One of her only recollections, she frames it, cherishing its sublime..
    Grasping the flag, emotions taking over, now all she has is anger and shame..
    Knelt down next to the fire, shredding the letter and tossing it into the flames..
    Smothering the candles, putting it out like her future with him..
    It all is happening to suddenly, heart break feelings set in..
    Gathering sympathy letters in the mail, but she never sends a reply..
    She wont hear it, only way to cope is pretending that he never died..
    All alone she is left, a new love she is sent out to seek..
    But sorrow has ruined her hopes, she chokes up when ever she speaks..
    Dreading a day where she only has rememberance to cling to..
    No one to cuddle with, and when the cd spins, no one to sing to..



    These hearts were woven of human joys, poise, and cares,
    The years had inclined them with weaknesses, though dawn was theirs
    Washed marvellously with sorrow, rapid clasp, swift to mirth,
    And sunset, shattered by death and the colours of the earth
    These had seen movement, told to be true and heard music, known
    Felt the quick stir of wonder, the beginning; heaven sat alone
    Slumber and waking; loved; left with despair gone proudly friended,
    Beautiful flowers and grass and love, all this has ended
    There are waters blown by dynamic winds, God known as a crafter,
    Grasses lit by the rich skies, aesthetic winds caused laughter
    Frost, with a gesture, guides the smooth waves that dance,
    Unbroken glory, glistening stars gave a gathered radiance
    And wandering loveliness, non-appearance, he leaves a white,
    A width, a shining peace, under the night..
    Scattered souls across the globe, are rotting existence,
    though the stench of the deceased, hygene has became resistant
    Listen to the derelicts, the broken politic speeches,
    read between the lines, you'll see where decievement has became to meet this
    We bow and fold our hands, though tainted republicans see this,
    only one out of 3 soldiers die with no funeral, a sign of bleakness!
    Families become dysfunctional, dismantled, and entangled,
    held by a string burning and screams deafening, over a volcano
    Sacrificed by fire, a bullet pierces not only his chest,
    punctures the heart of his family, just that cant effect the rest
    We're ruined, household silent, sitting at a table quiet,
    while the President is hiding under his desk, secreting himself from a riot
    He's a concealed leader, voters around the world, tear down his throne,
    We could reign hell on these mortals, until law is overthrown
    And as we sleep in serenity, with thoughts of fulfilled dreams,
    Bush smiles with misery......the crescent moon gleams.

    Courageous souls willing to stand tall and defend,
    while the stare and watch their beloved nation come to an end…


    1st verse - ~WhiteOut~
    2nd verse - Dope Name
    Roc-A-Fella !

  2. #2
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Harrisburg
    Age
    35
    Posts
    4,807
    Battle Record
    18-9
    Roc-A-Fella !

  3. #3
    StRiNgThEoRy
    Guest
    Multies: A few
    Flow: yea, pretty good
    Structure: OK
    Content: Excellent
    Wordplay: OK

    ADVICE:
    ~White out~: Try'n shorten ya lines a bit to conserve the flow...thats all i can really suggest at the moment...content was great

    Dope Name: Structure was better that ~white out~...tho it wasn't specificly bout the same soldiers wife (I dunno, maybe thats how u wanted it?) Would've been a great OM by itself...

    FAV LINE:
    Sacrificed by fire, a bullet pierces not only his chest,
    punctures the heart of his family, just that cant effect the rest


    You could've written.................................^^^^^ differently

    Possible correction:
    Sacrificed, bullets not only pierces his chest,
    punctures the heart of his family, Who feared for his death

    juss a suggestion (there you have a multies and a better effect", mayb lol)

    VERDICT: 8/10
    Gr8 Collab

    ...Stay up...
    Last edited by StRiNgThEoRy; December 15th, 2005 at 10:56 PM

  4. #4
    Needs a Name Change.
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Inner Sanctom.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    670
    Battle Record
    3-3
    Thank you sir... upping this!

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