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Thread: "Mother's Crooked Smile"

  1. #16
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    that waz...whoa...very good i like that alot...hey i waz wonderin...i hav a project 4 my english clazz and i hav 2 interview sum1 that likez poetry like me, and i waz wonderin could i interview u 4 it? i could juz email u tha questionz and u could email me bac wit tha answerz if u say yes (email: tha_renegade90@yahoo.com) if not juz hit me up through email and tell me ur answer...thanx

  2. #17
    AIM: Brownnumber18

    That's fine with me man.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  3. #18
    Upping this...
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  4. #19
    -Kicks Thread In The Ass-

    Up we go
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  5. #20
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    This was fucking amazing. The emotion just from the title made me want to read it. Then when i did start reading it, i had to read over the lines at least 3 times each to understand what you were writing, which was a good thing in my opinion. You make the readers think a lot, its very mind boggling, but very nicely complexed and tuned to easy read. The title you picked went well with the peice, which was very nice. I gotta give you a 10/10.

    Wrap the sidewalk
    Tall in fallen worlds.
    Concrete gasps
    Grip at a swinging
    Pendulums pass.

    The sands of us
    Bound by blood.
    Each droplet expired
    To become one
    Of piece in attire.

    The earth draped
    In our brittle fingers;
    Blistering gaze
    Kisses the king's
    Last clean palm,
    Upon its shattering

    Probably the nicest lines in this peice, this definitly was a moving peice. And it connected to my lifestyle also, major props. pz..

  6. #21
    Thanks alot man.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #22
    .....
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  8. #23
    Newbie
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atticus
    Cellophane pearls
    Wrap the sidewalk
    Tall in fallen worlds.
    Concrete gasps
    Grip at a swinging
    Pendulums pass.
    imagery stood out. enjoyed the personification concrete. nice use of alliteration in the last line.

    Quote Originally Posted by Atticus
    The sands of us
    Bound by blood.
    Each droplet expired
    To become one
    Of piece in attire.
    [b]beautifully written. however, im not sure of what you mean. to put it simply, i think you are saying that we are all one in the same, because we come from the same blood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Atticus
    The earth draped
    In our brittle fingers;
    Blistering gaze
    Kisses the king's
    Last clean palm,
    Upon its shattering.
    This stanza is packed with imagery. nice use of personification


    something came up. ill complete my critique later tonight.

  9. #24
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Awards OM HOF PS Champion/IE Champion PS HOF PS Season champ Legendary PC PC HOF
    The emotion was very clear which i liked, there was good imagery mixed with good wording and depth.
    Although a classic style of poem, it still worked extreamly well for you, it was a very good peice... I enjoyed readin it and would like to see more from you.

    Very well done.

    I'd appreciate some feed on my first poem...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278999

    Thank you.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  10. #25
    Newbie BlakRose Slim's Avatar
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    Alot of creativity in this piece, it sound real smooth, the topic was unique. it was vry clear to read, the vocab was okay, but the great imagry as well. the emotion was deep. it rteally caught my attention....well written i can say...
    can you chek mines in my sig......
    Blak

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  11. #26
    ...
    Join Date
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    Havent seen anything from you in awhile, I like this new style, Its almost identical to mine, Imagery was very vivid and clear, Example:

    Troubles born;
    Bastard by fearing
    Fathers scorned.
    The lines are drawn;
    Mother's crooked smiles
    wild ends nearing
    Every last dawn,
    Eclipsing the sun.


    Shit caught my eye when I read that part very good, Nice dope I liked it, Stay up and keep blessing.....

  12. #27
    Ya I haven't really been writing too much poetry recently, I've dropped a few OM's instead though... It's basically poetry, just has a beefed up rhyme scheme. Thanks for the feedback man
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  13. #28
    Banned
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    i actually enjoyed reading this atticus...your format was
    tight you had a good amount of creativity/imagery,
    the vocab was perfect i didnt see any flaws there.
    pretty emotional keep up the good work man..i want
    to read some more of your stuff...

  14. #29
    Thanks man.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  15. #30
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Damn this is from a super long time ago. Anyway I'm just getting into poetry but I still know a good piece when I see one. Very nice imagery. Nice drop

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