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Thread: Until Things Worsen (Do Over)

  1. #1
    hypnautic
    Guest

    Until Things Worsen (Do Over)



    I wrote this based off of this picture. It was from the Write of Passage tournament.


    ever since he was a little boy he knew poverty
    dinner every night was a novelty. follow me
    back to his days when everything was fine
    back before his father did time for his crime
    Chris ran around with his friends
    all around town cause the streets never end
    see to him this was freedom, let everything loose
    when his mom called him back for dinner he refused
    til the sun came down and the stars went up
    that's when he wanted his fill of the cup
    started heading back, down his street to his home
    just to find his mom at the table all alone

    you see, some things we wish we could do over
    have a new life... be kinder to your mother
    thought about it after the fact, can't go back
    start it over again and be a new person
    too bad we never think about until things worsen

    though they didn't have much they didn't know what they had
    late at night were the fights between his mom and dad
    cause alcohol was the only medicine to him
    they never knew that their son was listenin to them
    and then one night some dumb fight just got out of hand
    Chris saw his daddy leaving, so this kid ran
    out to the street, to talk some peace to his father
    tell his dad about a man that said "love one another"
    his dad in the car, just pulled out to the street
    he never knew that his son and the car would meet
    sirens of the ambulance led to the hard rain
    tears poured down, his dad left the house nothing but pain

    you see, some things we wish we could do over
    have a new life... just to love one another
    treat each other as brothers, help those that suffer
    thought about it after the fact, can't go back
    and start it over again, to be a new person
    too bad we never think about it until things worsen

    now Chris remembers the days he would run and play
    but it seems his two new legs just get in the way
    he wonders if his life will ever get better
    cause even though things changed he can't see forever
    maybe this is the realization they needed
    it's a shame people don't learn until things have bleeded
    spend time in your life with your son and your wife
    stick away from the anger and living in strife
    tuck your kids into bed and kiss them goodnight
    alcohol isn't medicine when it leads to fights
    Chris stands oon the corner with the sun in the skies
    the more I think about it, try to look through Chris' eyes

    you see, some things we wish we could do over
    have a new life... just to love one another
    treat each other as brothers, help those that suffer
    thought about it after the fact, can't go back
    and start it over again, to be a new person
    too bad we never think about it until things worsen




    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=249596
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250690

  2. #2
    Assassin
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Chicago
    Age
    34
    Posts
    37
    Battle Record
    1-1
    i thoguht this was pretty good
    topic was interesting....i liked how you chose the topic from a pic
    thats creatvoe...rhymes were good
    flow was smooth strucutre ws een..overall this was good
    keep it up...peace....................

  3. #3
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Elympia
    Age
    33
    Posts
    2,713
    Battle Record
    14-6
    I also thought it was dope man. straight up smooth flow and the structure was set up nicely. the description and the imagry portrayed almost felt like it was one of those tv commercials about those 3rd world kids ahahha. the best line in the entire piece was:

    started heading back, down his street to his home
    just to find his mom at the table all alone
    ^
    This just brought the entire piece to life in a way man. straight up dope piece.
    keep droppin man.

    peep my open mics in my sig for me.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  4. #4
    hypnautic
    Guest
    thanks for the feedback. I'll get to yours after watching American Beauty.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    yea this real tight..i liked how you chsoe the topic from lookin at the pic...creatvity was there..props for that.....vocab was complec.nicely done wit that..rhymes were tight..flow was smooth so i think thsi was so dope ..strucutgre was even... and overall this was like a 9/10..keep it up and yo look at my Om's in my sig and leave sum feed thanks

  6. #6
    NuM-WuN
    Guest
    i really felt this shit man..the imagery and emotion was well set..it had a nice storyline to go with the picture..and the message you sent out was the truth..flow was smooth which also helped the emotion, it wasn't too jagged and rough-like..only thing you i noticed is your vocabulary was kind of elementary..with more complex words you'd help the emotion even more..but still this piece was very nice..keep writing..oNE

    now Chris remembers the days he would run and play
    but it seems his two new legs just get in the way
    ^favorite lines, nicely worded to describe the crutches

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250776
    ^^^please leave feed in this..thanks
    Last edited by NuM-WuN; November 20th, 2005 at 08:13 PM

  7. #7
    hypnautic
    Guest
    thanks for the feedback. I'll leave some feedback in a little while.

  8. #8
    hypnautic
    Guest
    Can I get some more feedback please?

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