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Thread: The Dark Chamber

  1. #1
    Banned Ike Ill.'s Avatar
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    The Dark Chamber

    The Dark Chamber
    Presented By: -Twizted-

    ...Chapter 1...
    How It Happened; The Gateway


    Down past the trees, dead leaves, and the cold breeze lies a shed
    Of tears, pain, hard earned sweat and bricks of the dead
    Once upon a time, when this shack was as normal as the rest
    Satan and his good pal death, in attempt to change time, put it to the test
    It, at one year, was full of life and children; who sparked future pain were
    Unknowingly creating the environment needed... to bare the dark chamber

    Passage 6, Paragraph 3 in God's handbook:

    And the blood trickled, from one, two, three childrens necks
    In which 40 hearts stopped for a moment of quiet train wrecks
    Louder than ever, these chosen children of Jesus had perished
    In the hands of the devil, at long last attained what he had cherished


    ...Chapter 2...
    The Massacre


    Four men, holy like no other, had fallen under spell of a fraud
    Leader of a cult, though it was Satan; dressed as God
    These men, gazing into Satan's eye, trusted and shared dishes
    Until one day the false God had ordered to them his final wishes
    Feigning death of their dear friend, they immediately stopped the dread
    And heading towards the nearest child; they came upon a small shed
    With Lucifer shoving along, they raised their nail covered maces
    And slowly one after another, unleashed them upon the children's faces

    Passage 6, Paragraph 8 in God's handbook:

    Today, the most hideous of all previous evil deeds has erupted
    Between my most beloved cousins, and believers that got corrupted
    Damn you Satan! Your creation had to be my one premature flaw
    To see my grandchildren's skin, and blood glisten across the wall.
    They did not move, not caring, staring down the devil's grim
    For they had believed me, and I failed to be there for them.


    ...Chapter 3...
    Eruption


    This beautiful large shed, sheltering many homeless, parentless people
    Had fallen ill, gobbled up as victim to this feelingless evil
    Manipulation, the day of the dead was wrong to be created
    For it had happened; Just a friday and 13 days away dated
    Six Hundred and Sixty Six years later, when all faith was lost
    Six Hundred and Sixty Six million, were crucified on a cross
    For the apocalypse had come, these three numbers which nod
    To the ending of time, were carved in the handbook of God
    A battle on earth, worse than the three world wars combined
    Contained angels, demons, beasts and people intertwined
    Blood spattered churches, hospitals, cold eyes and warm shivers
    Were more heartbreaking, than the day, Jesus took a spear to his liver

    Passage 7, Paragraph 2 in God's handbook:

    I have created the perfect being, with the blood of the dead kids
    And given it wings, so it may avenge and bring me a said wish
    Yuri, my beloved angel, come forth to do battle with evil
    Bind the threads of all love and good without a needle
    For this is why I have created you, to solve my pains and sorrows
    And to carve away the crimes, and to leave the shell hollow
    No matter what happens, please promise, you'll come back to me
    For you, my girl, born for battle give me reason to sleep.



    ...Chapter 4...
    Final Bout


    Yuri had fought on, traveling long and wide, slaying many demons
    For looting, lying, killing, for simple and multiple reasons
    It was treason, to God, she thought as she traveled on
    She met with Satan's Son Damien, and her sword sang it's last song
    ...
    ...
    When Damien had won, he traveled to his father to report
    His dad, wailing with joy, had finished his Chamber, his fort
    God, angry with grief, came down with a mighty roar
    Stepping into the poisonous earth, his guts spilling upon the floor
    He did not care, his anger mounted every waterfall with hope
    Till it drank it's own water, swallowing poison through its throat
    Grabbing his mighty blade, he hunted down Satan's only son
    And with a thrust of his saber, God had easily won
    Satan, taking his leave in defeat, retreated back to hell
    Whereas the left over evil, had joined him as well
    And God had found the Chamber, inside the bricks, lay Yuri's boast
    He fell to his knees, And God wept with the 7 children's ghosts

    The End
    Last edited by -Twizted-; November 12th, 2005 at 08:57 PM

  2. #2
    Banned Ike Ill.'s Avatar
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    Link 1:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248036

    Link 2:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=3443746

    If you leave feedback in this thread, leave a link and I will gladly provide to you sufficient feedback.
    Last edited by -Twizted-; November 12th, 2005 at 08:08 PM

  3. #3
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    woa..i got to say that this a very creatvie peice..i liked how you had the different chapters that made the structure very good....even and made the flow smooth as hell......topic was cool..i liked it..i enjiyed this..vocab was here...rhyme scheme was also good..complex....overall this was like a 9.8/10..keep it up..peace

  4. #4
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    a this was nice put a weird yet good visual in my head didn't get me bored. good flow, vocab, structure, good topic

    9/10

    no 1 can get a ten its impossible

  5. #5
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    omg one word mayne DOPE.

    u are fucking sick for real.

    vocab and flow was crazy, LOVED how u put it in chapters thats fuckin ill. this was a very creative peice mayne omg this has to make the hall of fame (imo) loved this peice keep dropping the dopeness.

    ~1~

  6. #6
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    wow twizted this shit was truly dope i loved the topic it all flowed well i was feeling it alot man good shit this was a perfect 10/10 wow keep that shit comoinh hommie

  7. #7
    Back On My Grizzy
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    damn nice shit homie deep as hell i liked the imagry and creativeness the wordplay was on point i liked the story i read the first few lines and was hooked overall i give it a perfect 10 good job nigga keep the hot shit comin
    HIT ME UP ON MYSPACE


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  8. #8
    Banned Eye`'s Avatar
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    nice man. i'll edit with the breakdown.

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    this was very much well written, 1 question though.. the Devil won and God lost?
    |!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i|



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  10. #10
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    ok i got to say that this a very good well thought of piece.i liked how you had the different chapters that made the structure very good and made the peice unique.also and made the flow very very good.topic was was an ok topic but it was well executed.vocab was here...rhyme scheme was also good..complex.this piece should be nominated for HOF or legend?

  11. #11
    What....? FUCK YOU!!!
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    yea nice shit

    like the chapter thing that was goin on

    flow-good
    creativity- good
    structure-good

    nice keep it up tell me if u do another one

  12. #12
    Banned Ike Ill.'s Avatar
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    If you like it that much, nominate it here as hall of fame:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=246508

    and if you REALLY like it... Here as legends:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=99

    And Zone Out, try re-reading it for your answer.

  13. #13
    Lifestyl
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    DAMNNNNNNNNN Nigggggggaaaaaaaa...............dat shit is deep!!!!!!!yo i had da whole picture in my fuckin head when i was reading it.....i got ta get good at topicals cuz dat shit is serious.....the best topical ive ever read on dis site!

    Links
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=247366
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post3434105

    Aight good lookin out my nigga holl at me

  14. #14
    Piff Jones Piff Jones's Avatar
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    I was interested with it in the topical battle so now I get to leave more feed.

    I enjoyed this. Creative with the God's handbook thing. Nice structure and multies. Also liked how you broke it down into chapters. Good imagery and emotion. Really felt it. No off topic lines it was all on target. Good job man keep it up.

  15. #15
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    Dope......Ive heard ur a well known text battler but u impressed me with this..
    Flow was on key and structure was dope.....i liked the 2 different types of paragraphs..
    each has diff creativity..Imagination is good and vocab was good for this piece..
    U had some dope multis to..

    altogther amazing piece keep it up

    9.5/10

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