Glass Box / Glass Heart.

[TwixSin]

Glass Box

With a monster residing inside comprehendinly trying to comprehend the power
a myth.. creature, no a sour growth of vomit that lay neslted in your bitter heart
was gone with each kick start brings you back to life, you fucking peice of shit love leech
breach the defnese's off innocent hellions and tey to tame with your screech of madness
a rebbellion of trust and if you must...these ill wanted lies come and pour forth sadness
amuse myself with the suttle terror knowinly until my sail points north
towards the snow and cold that presume my body temperature
convinces my soul it is ok along with ahemp wolven sweater
bodys hot enough, you're warm in a bra, displaying the lure

sure met the girl with the demon in a box when i was in grade 10
send me back then for a minute and id love it the future i could bend
now trends and ages later look at me... and see im nothing of what i was
trust that i must evolve and grow knowiling that things that hurt are because
life is uncertain and dosen't always play you the right hand...
and the sand castles and laughter made it not matter despite command
now look at me, i love you so much i remade it worse cant expand
past your demand, wel lnow you turned and criss crossed the fade
i made you go away and not matter how does it feel?
trying to cuddle with your shade?
i dont think either of us have it made

lyeing here in the glass shards of your shatterd heart.
mine still pumps... but glass needles still rip it apart
together we still suffer from our creation
a terrible combination and obligation
now you need medication...
or a chemical rebalance
but you settle for a celebration of compensation
and i sit here dark and cold from your touch take my few
saved everlasting sensations of want and need
feed the last dyeing fire and wait alone
till one day i will feel you waiting for me future now and then
or the light will burn out...
and my soul will set it aflame once again
organs and mind pumping with virbrations
of you everlasting
like the bonding of a growing nation
our hearts seperated yet intertwined
debated that we are related through being hated.

My heart is spitting out your needles

I grow stronger than ever...
and i know whatever i or an indivdual create is golden
grasp a hold of an artist and love them
see what beauty unfolds
hearts made of memories of old

and try not to break them....
or they will cut the stem
and move on... because...
nothings what it seems
sweet
dreams
you

[spokenoh]

First thing you need to start doing is spell checking your work. Honestly, it's the least you can do for the reader.
Anyways, I read this all through, skimmed some of it. I think I've read some of your other stuff before but I can't really recall anything. Usually because I can only remember stuff I replied to.
Your main problem is that you go on and on and on. You take one idea or topic and only hold it for a few lines or sometimes a stanza. Also, a lot of your writing is simply filler. Its hard for me to understand wtf you're talking about sometime.
Now, the good. You have some excellent wordings in here and I see you take risks with a different style. I think you need to experiment with your line length and meter also, your word choices would be much more honored if you had the meter to make them appropriate. That basically means sometimes you have good word choices but the times you don't, it's because your words seem to be trying to appeal in terms of vocab. Simplicity is the most complex way to write. Lastly, I really liked this segment :

i made you go away and not matter how does it feel?
trying to cuddle with your shade?
i dont think either of us have it made

This had direction. Now all you need is to follow it. Peace dude.

[TwixSin]

First thing you need to start doing is spell checking your work. Honestly, it's the least you can do for the reader.
Anyways, I read this all through, skimmed some of it. I think I've read some of your other stuff before but I can't really recall anything. Usually because I can only remember stuff I replied to.
Your main problem is that you go on and on and on. You take one idea or topic and only hold it for a few lines or sometimes a stanza. Also, a lot of your writing is simply filler. Its hard for me to understand wtf you're talking about sometime.
Now, the good. You have some excellent wordings in here and I see you take risks with a different style. I think you need to experiment with your line length and meter also, your word choices would be much more honored if you had the meter to make them appropriate. That basically means sometimes you have good word choices but the times you don't, it's because your words seem to be trying to appeal in terms of vocab. Simplicity is the most complex way to write. Lastly, I really liked this segment :


This had direction. Now all you need is to follow it. Peace dude.

thanks for the feed man... yeah this was more centred at an open mic... when i do poetry i usually dont rhyme... makes it easier to follow one direction... but thanks... im working on rhyme in my poetry but its hard :P

[spokenoh]

Oh, I wasn't saying you have to, I don't that much anymore either. I was just saying that sometimes you were rhyming and other times you weren't and it had a weird flow that's hard to get into. Rhyming def isn't a necessity.

[TwixSin]

Oh, I wasn't saying you have to, I don't that much anymore either. I was just saying that sometimes you were rhyming and other times you weren't and it had a weird flow that's hard to get into. Rhyming def isn't a necessity.

hmmm i might add in some... thanks dude.