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Thread: Hatred Love [I like this]

  1. November 5th, 2005, 09:02 AM #1
    young hov
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    Hatred Love [I like this]

    Eyes attract attention like verbal assaults in clubs
    smile could never be ignored lips are soft and smooth
    touches me get chills in my back feels like warm ice
    chest touches mine wanna be apart of her like attached twins
    feelings are deeper than hidden fossils can't express them
    can't ever let her go like oxygen filling my lungs
    .................................................. ......................
    .................................................. .....................
    times I hate her like foster parents that are abusive
    wanna get rid of her like a nose bleed and fever
    when I see her I wanna flatten her heart squeeze her love out
    crack her scole open unleash her true thoughts
    split her stomach open let her feelings out
    snatch her eyes out so she can see what I see
    .................................................. .......................
    .................................................. ........................
    times I love her .....times I hate her
    guess what I have for her is hatred love.......................................

    just made this right now
  2. November 5th, 2005, 09:11 AM #2
    D. Josey
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    This was an okay piece. I think your imagery was alright, and your description was on point but the thing that really killed it was your vocabulary and complexity of the piece. I think you need to provide yourself with a thesaurus, or something to make you piece more complex to the reader's delight.

    Good job.

    One.

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  3. November 5th, 2005, 09:12 AM #3
    young hov
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    thank you..............
  4. November 5th, 2005, 11:17 AM #4
    young hov
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    .......feedback..................plz
  5. November 6th, 2005, 12:08 AM #5
    young hov
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    uppin 4 feedback.....................
  6. November 6th, 2005, 11:35 AM #6
    young hov
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    uppin............
  7. November 6th, 2005, 11:48 AM #7
    ~ladie_streetz~
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    this was tight
    but you coulda added more decent vocab to also more emtion it. i felt that there wasn't good enough emotion put into sso it coudla been better. tih hatred and love topica you gotta put the emotion into express the pain or happiness very well in those types of poems. you did ok but just gotta work on ther more describing wording and emtion details to it
    THE FAMILY.
  8. November 6th, 2005, 12:05 PM #8
    young hov
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    ight thkz but I ain't very emotional.............
  9. November 6th, 2005, 01:09 PM #9
    Britty D
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    Its coo but yeah more emotion and better wording ur good tho
    DANGER RANGED
  10. November 6th, 2005, 04:34 PM #10
    young hov
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    oookay..........feed
  11. November 9th, 2005, 06:40 PM #11
    MagicConcept
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    vocab was'nt that great. understood it allot,
    nice really visonary. structure wasn't bad. my personal opinon this was one of the best u wrote so far. just keep it up

    one
  12. November 10th, 2005, 07:55 PM #12
    young hov
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    thankz more feedback
  13. November 23rd, 2005, 09:45 PM #13
    young hov
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    ...............
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