Entering ...

[`Ink]

...

Entering…This place, warm as well..
Me, not knowing where I am, at all..
A stranger to the wicked, I stay low..
But on a second hand, I stand tall..

Looking around, the cracked wall..
Overheated I was. I wanted to go..
Hyperventilating I felt. Weird at most..
Wiping my forehead, the sweat flow..

Me frightened to death. I cant show..
Getting warmer, as I started to toast..
More scared I became. Then I scram..
Feeling very high. But yet, the lowest..

Handling the moment, I cant show this..
Farther I enter, hotter I had became..
Running away, I slipped then I fell..
Turing the other way, shot a flame..

Looking, at a man, the devil he claimed..
To bright, from light, I couldn’t tell..
Seeing a ragged fence, in the distance..
I was Entering, Entering..
.............................The Gates Of Hell!

[`Ink]

Feed anyone?

[Foreshadow]

This poem was a decent drop. I thought that some parts of this were incomplete. You flow was decent but it became boring & so did this poem. It's not the topic but maybe it's the way that you write or something. I think that you imagery was poor and your description didnt really help because parts just felt incomplete. But you just gotta stay at it.

[`Ink]

Thanks for the feed man.

[The Vortex]

yes this is very nice.. rythym was held together very well.
nice rhyme assortment..you show a good understanding of poetry as an art

i felt it could of had a little imagery to engross me.. thats just me though i like to see or hear things in a poem

nice writing still
no the flow wasnt boring as someone said..as there isnt any flow involved.. lol..for we poets are known to use iambictrochees and the like..but the unlearned wont realise this i guess

keep doing yo thang blud

thanks for replying to weightless..that was me posting as an alias


pz

[`Ink]

No problem man.

Thanks for the feed.

[CrazyCarl]

The end was overly dramatic, with "entering" twice, as if to stutter, than the long pause, and ending with an exclamation point. The devil and fence that you described before that also already told the reader. Other than that, the piece was alright. You contrasted ideas, which was a strong point, the staying low but standing tall, and being very high, but the lowest. In the fourth stanza, the final line could be fixed to clarify who shot the flame, the way it's worded it appears to be the person, but it obviously makes sense for it to be the devil that did it. The increased feeling of heat seemed to work, it appeared in all the stanzas, so you wanted emphasis put on it.

[young hov]

drop was straight but it was real short and it wasn't that creative make up weird lines stuff that make sense and makes the reader wanna read more ...........overall straight drop keep elavating