First OM.. Kinda poetic: Selfish with Emotion

[Dat]

Brightening..
Blinded eyes squint.. Bright lights glint in darkness..
Streetlamps show suburbians the way - so heartless..
Pavements shrink in distance away from me... Perspectives..
Of what this night shall bring at the end of my road is weightless..
Inspirational..
Travelling so far to simply catch a breath of that scent...
Gravelling rationality - To even further my minds absence...
Meaning so much yet taking so little from my mind..
My heart will find.. this environment is tiring; yet kind..

I envision.......... The Death of Liams thoughts for one...
That object's given feelings make him feel so immortal... and gone..
With quick revision.. he decides he needs to grab his moments..
Make it last - like the sun, never let anybody else own this.

Exciting..
Taking breaths to stabilise the race inside my lungs.. so fast..
So fast i am to make decisions that change my life.. First and last..
I understand this feeling, or do i?....... Is it pain?
What gain do i get from feeling so happily in vain...
hmmm...
Dangerous..
And that which i grab at, that freedom which i so selfishly crave..
If i were to control this.. It would take destruction of me to cave...
I would not damage..... only make things turn my direction...
But the soul is a powerful thing.. Its strength beats me in election..

With precision............. He takes aim carfully with the bow of magic..
To have one wish would be to happily ever have it..
Have that feeling of insane morality, of loose decision..
Making the right choices on reflexed fear of wrong incisions...

Like a dream..
Now so simple.. I weave away from responsibility.. Put it out..
Leaving all emotion behind - just to carry this one about...
So leaden on my life;.......... so light to my head...
So heavily fragile, One slip and i may aswell be...
This is my sunset..
My only last desire.. to have this driving force.. Create my fire..
For me, i never knew it existed.. Heart for hire.. no longer...
This girl, this love, this addiction together... Created my life..
My biggest strife... Is that i hold on to this girl Jess,
The girl my life stays so strong for.

I envision.......... The Death of Liams thoughts for one...
That object's given feelings make him feel so immortal... and gone..
With quick revision.. he decides he needs to grab his moments..
Make it last - like the sun, never let anybody else own this.
With precision............. He takes aim carfully with the bow of magic..
To have one wish would be to happily ever have it..
Have that feeling of insane morality, of loose decision..
Making the right choices on reflexed fear of wrong incisions...

I love you Jess.


Critique this maturely and responsibly please.. My first OM. I know it sounds kinda poetic, but thats the feel im going for.. Read it like a poem but keep in mind its a rap.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post3214137
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...40#post3214140

[Legacy01]

This was a def. dope drop! Straight up, the flow was perfect to what i thought and there was so many gr8 lines that were in this piece.
of all, this was my fav.

With quick revision.. he decides he needs to grab his moments..
Make it last - like the sun, never let anybody else own this.

The structure of each topic was on point and the ending where you collected parts from all pieces made this drop have a more sense of feeling as i could definately see the connection to what you've done.
As you said, i've read it like a poem.. but the fact that it is a rap helped this piece get its upperedge, and basically..your imagarey and creativity was excellent, nothing bad about this piece... i cant tell you to elevate, coz to me, this was flawless...
Loved this read, keep droppin more... hell wanna read your work

[Dat]

Upp'n.

[noncentz]

VERY STRONG INTRO POETIC YES BUT THAT DOESNT HURT THIS WORK YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED TO BE GRAPHIC I CANB SEE THIS AND I CAN SEE YOU GOING FAR WITH THIS.
ONLY THING I SAY IS AVOID FALLOWING STANZA FORMAT BUT THATS IT.
IF YOU CAN PEEP THIS FOR ME
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=235861

[Dat]

Wow, all that work on it and it doesnt get comments. Uppin :/

[Edicius]

Brightening..
Blinded eyes squint.. Bright lights glint in darkness..
Streetlamps show suburbians the way - so heartless..
Pavements shrink in distance away from me... Perspectives..
Of what this night shall bring at the end of my road is weightless..
Inspirational..
Travelling so far to simply catch a breath of that scent...
Gravelling rationality - To even further my minds absence...
Meaning so much yet taking so little from my mind..
My heart will find.. this environment is tiring; yet kind..

this stanza was one that potrayed a good emotion, but somewhat simplistic though as in same old same old, its a nice read.. but you could have used a more elevated way of writing.the rest of your stanzas followed up in this degree .. and your emotion thru out the whole piece, stood out the most props on that .. but try too write in a way noone has done before find a style thats yours.. than you can create even better pieces that will blow your readers away ..
keep it up
Pz.

[warchild]

A real good piece here, like you said it was very poetic but you could still make a good audio outta these verses. The only thing i think needs improving is the flow(Syllable Rhyming) try and work on some multies and internals this will make your pieces just that little bit more complex than it already is.
The concept was very original so you get props for that, your vocab was used very well it fit the topic perfectly you didnt just put in the big words for the sake of it. You was actually saying things i could picture not cryptic like a lot of shit in OM. Your imagery was your strongest assest in this piece i could picture the things you was saying very very descriptive it draws you into the piece straight away. A very good piece nice to see other dope writers on here. Keep Writing And Posting.

[Dat]

Uppin.. again

Cmon just a few more replies?

[Illogical]

ayo... awesome, dope, and really poetic drop. are u sure this is ur first drop? hmm lmao im guessin this was like ur 3rd but o well. anyways, to start off, i gotta say that this topic was real nice. ive seen similarity between topics on other sites, but urs seemed to describe it deeply the most. so great job on both depth and topic-wise. flow was outstanding, keeping the piece smooth and yet solid to keep the reader occupied with the story/verse, and not the flow. but they will notice it. they wont notice it in a good way! they can focus on the verse. so its a win win situation. lmao well, ur structure was pretty good. just a little lines longer than some other, but overall great. emotion really showed itself here. great job and keep it up. i wish to see some more OM drops. peace