Last Day On Death Row (Please Dont Sleep On this)

[Emerge]

I read this and was bored through out, just wasn't enough to grab my attention. Not to mention a couple of bars were thrown in randomly and just brought the piece down.

A lot of time on my hands, a lotta rhymes on my hand
Cause they wont give me a pad for some reason im mad and uneven

So this guy on death row is a rapper? Lol it's just so corny.

I have to keep my mind state strong like the spine of a man
It was the only thing i could fufill cause crime was a plan

Human's spines are actually very sensitive, hence people becoming parapalegic when hurting their spine in a certain way. Also sounds like cheap forced rhyme scheme.


Anyway, keep writting, hope you don't take my opinion too hard because you should write to please yourself. I could have came in here and said a bunch of shit that don't matter and been like "nice piece", but I don't like lying.

[warchild]

^I dont mind criticism at all, i appreciate your opinion but i just wrote this from my perspective i didnt say the dude was a rapper in jail i aint that dumb.
I appreciate any feed whether they like my shit or not.

[warchild]

I left feed on 20 other Om's so how about some more feedback on this.

[CrazyCarl]

I liked the opening line. In the first stanza I felt some of the character's internal troubles. The retelling of the event that got him in prison was placed into the piece nicely. Although with the introduction, I could expect what would happen at the end, the last stanza made me feel more for the character.
Thanks for hitting up my piece.

[ThaKemist]

[B]This was definately an original concept you had on this one...definately nice...It'd sound tight to a down south screwed up beat...shit flowed fluently.... You can tell that you put some thought into this one...Nice drop...

ONe!!

[warchild]

^Appreciate the feed. Uppin.

[Dat]

The concept of this song is a guy who's been on Death Row awaiting his death and this is just my perspective of what it would be like and what the guy would be going through. It's 3 verses but take your time with it dont just read it fast to get too the end read in depth and leave some good feed.


Im awoken by the stench of the guard's anticipation
I have to deal with whats behind and the shit im facing
Being born with this barbaric brain was my only hell
The walls of this cage hush up cause they know me well
^ Pretty good intro, some nice imagery.

The first time i was thrown in jail i was only twelve
But this is my last bid ten years in this lonely cell
A lot of time on my hands, a lotta rhymes on my hand
Cause they wont give me a pad for some reason im mad and uneven
^Kinda threw me off the flow but i caught it soon enough. Ok rhyming.

I have to keep my mind state strong like the spine of a man
It was the only thing i could fufill cause crime was a plan
I know i must take my punishment so my tears are shed
I never had too many visitors cause my peers are dead
^Not too much imagery here, although im feeling some emotion, but its all on the topic so thats good.

Never commited to any bitch cause i used to date the steel
Just like all my friends did so unfortunately their fate was sealed
Maybe i'll see them all soon but i'll die in a different way
I wonder if god will hear me out cause it's today
^Hmm.. its ok, needs work on flow and imagery. Nothing really special in this stanza.

Im contemplating whether to tell you my back story
Nah im sorry i cant do it cause to be honest that bores me
I'll tell you this from my birth date i had a cursed fate
But to be even more honest i was bad in the first place
^Good lines, nice rhyming.

Booze and drugs, hanging with a crew of thugs
The neighbourhood that im from you dont choose to love
I was dealing weight in the day then robbing folks
I never mentioned religion around my friends cause god brings jokes
^Last line was good, not too sure about the first few, theyre kind of straying from the main topic.

It was a Tuesday i mugged a women for a bag of groceries
Didnt realise her sons were watching so they had to smoke me
Both came running up but they didnt have the chance to shoot
Because i shot them first they only had a glance at youth
^ i dont like these lines. They seem kind of forced - not in a running out of rhymes way, they just dont really have the emotion or imagery to make them fit smoothly.

I left those two kids not far from a corpse state
Lawyers couldnt do nothing for me at the court case
They died despite a week of operations and life support
I honestly feel remorse i just hope where im going it's a nice resort
^Again, first lines are good, nice flow and rhyming. The last line contradicts itself - you say: 'I honestly feel remorse i just hope where im going it's a nice resort'. When you say 'nice resort', It injects a humor.. a certain brightness about the line. If your feeling remorse then surely the emotion would have been much darker and less 'loose' on the subject. Just MO anyway.

Im eating my last meal yeah it's bitter sweet
My last visitor was my daughter she blew a kiss to me
I'll hold that in my heart till my final breath
Im nervous but here it starts yeah my final stretch
^Good, improve more now by trying to create more tension, do this by keeping certain clauses short and sharp. Introduce hyphens and commas between some words to create pauses and build up.

Guards open the cell and proceed to cuff both hands
Whether i get to hell or heaven i pray my oath stands
Ten year's ago that's really when my past finished
Maybe i could pray for forgiveness but it's last minute
^Nice flow, emotion, imagery... I liked this stanza the most.

Im sitting in a seat silent as they shave my head bald
I look around startled i coulda sworn i heard the dead call
The guards look at me like my mind was fucking crazy
I have to put a diaper on like im a fucking baby
^Hmm.. its ok i guess, emotion lacked.. the 'fucking' could have created build up due to its explicitness.. But it needed more imagery to make the emotion stand strong.
They walk me to the room i see the victim's familys
I have to look them in the eyes they cant stand me
Im strapped to the chair now i sweat my exit
Soon it'll be all over when they press the next switch.........
^Nice, the ending was quite simple though... I would have created much more tension and emotion right towards the end and then make it blunt on the last line to create that edge of death and make that final moment sharp as possible.

Return the feed in my sig. Thanks and good verse.

[warchild]

^Thanks best feed ive had so far.