To me. That was like (goin` out on a limb sayin` Hip Hop is your passion cuz I know you love eatin`) losin` your passion so to say. Like things drove you away from what you wanna do in life typa thing. But sayin` that no matter what happens, you`re gonna follow your roots back to where you`re supposed to be. Know what I mean? lol @ me Aesop`n your shit. *Goes to eat a cupcake*Although not everlasting, when I lose myself
Without ever asking, I Will follow the beat back home.
A.i
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the reason I love poetry is because it's open for interpretation. That's not EXACTLY what I'm talkin about but you got the general meaning of the message. the beat is my heart, and the poem is about following your heart and never letting yourself down. What I was saying in that line was although the beat can't last forever (cus i will die one day obviously), without question, while im living it'll always be there to lead me thru life.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I'm feelin the insight.
OPEY..shit u were a vet without all the posts when i first got here like 3-4 years ago..and this proves that u still have it..in nethign u 2...that left me speechless..it was a great write..couldnt have put it ne better or said it ne differently...just perfect word choice..great rhyme scheme overall...just was sik lol
good write
keep doin ur thang
thanks a lot man. I appreciate all the love. I'll leave feed on one of your peices when i'm not busy today.
It read well. I can see it being a good open mic. Didn't quite like the the following line:
The rhythm marches on after the band seizes melody
Never selling a dream, with one purpose to hold its own
And on its own, or orchestra accompanied
But when you read the piece as a whole, it doesn't disrupt the overall flow.
Very nice.
I'm too secure to have a signature.
Oh.
that "line" sounds weird because its 3 lines. and if you include the 4th line with it the rhyme scheme suddenly makes sense lmao
He didn't say anything about rhyme scheme, just that he didn't like the line
Laying face down in the mainstream.Po.Ethics.
its obvious that he didnt read it right tho. he read those 3 lines as 1 complete thought and left out the last part. the rhyme scheme is what sounds weird in those 3 lines because its missing the end. and without the last line the statement doesnt even make sense.
I did read it.
The reason i singled out those three lines and didn't include the last (which i did know was meant to bring the the previous three together) is because, as i said, they didn't sound right. Especially the use of the word orchestra, which seemed out of place after some relative subtle craft in your previous lines. And i'm always wary of the use of two words in a row with more than three syllables. I find minimal is better, keep things lean unless necessary not to.
Now i didn't read too deep into it. I'm not looking to deconstruct it. I read it how it was, end of.
I'm too secure to have a signature.
Oh.
o aight i guess i read into your post a little too much there. anyway, "on its own or orchestra accompanied" is a metaphor of being alone or surrounded by like-minded individuals... as in, "whether I stand alone or have support from others I still use my heart (the beat) to guide me." I thought it was a pretty str8 forward metaphor but I guess it's easy for ME to know what I was trying to say lmao. I didn't think using an orchestra as a metaphor was out of place tho considering I used such words as beat, tempo, rhythm, band, metronome, and drum in similar context... and especially since I mention "band" and "orchestra" a couple lines apart to express the same metaphore. I don't know about avoiding large words if they're used properly and gracefully, but I do know that using the same word repeatedly in any piece of literature should be avoided (hence why I used "band" and "orchestra" which are one in the same). If you believe that poems shouldn't contain more than one three-syllable word in a row then I'd have to conclude that you dislike most classic literary works from the most esteemed poets in history. Nevertheless, I'll respect that opinion as your own. But my opinion is that you should write your poetry how you naturally speak, using vocabulary that you are accustomed to. I believe I learned that in college but I could be wrong. O well.
anyway, it's always nice to hear different points of view. Thanks for the feedback.
^You've misunderstood. I'm not saying you shouldn't use three or more syllable words. Just be WARY of using them when next to each other, as if done wrong, they can often make the piece fall flat on their face.
Orchestra relates to the other words (as you very well know, just because it relates, doesn't mean it fits), but as i read it, it doesn't have the same subtelty, the line seems akward and sluggish to me. Melody and band disrupted it a bit when reading it too. But that's just how i read it, as i said in my original response, when you read it overall again it doesn't make much difference in flow. I'm not bashing the piece as a whole.
I couldn't agree more that you should align your poetry to your [poetry] voice. But it doesn't mean it can't be refined/modified/improved/evolved etc. It comes down to what you want from it.
No problem.
I'm too secure to have a signature.
Oh.
nice peice felt the imagery creativity was fine......complexity was good cud of been better but good ...keep it up ill be looking for more peices from u....oh yeah and i also liked how the title matched the peice...and go hit up ma peice honestly its intitled Brotherly Love
aight i'll hit that up as soon as i can. thanks for the feedback.
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