A Brave Task (Old Piece) Not Revised.

[Nique.]

Death Is Certain."A man is not a man until proven worthy. Judgement can only be seen through the eyes of the beholder and on Judgement Day the beholder will be within himself. Through a distinguished journey to find their true identity, only he will know. Hum Ho Gaye Aap Ke."

Stumbled on rocks, walked with haste as an unked person
Tunnel of thoughts hawked my pace-tainted with unfledged courage
A bundle of bread & mixed herbs-Hacky sack attached to my thin rod
Disgruntled & stressed with pricked nerves-Only map were the Wind Gods
Followed the gust of air, while the Sun God leaves its place to dream
& re-appears with a glare from darkness-the Evil Spirits rape the leaves
Trapped in a maze of neverending blackness; Until I found an abandoned hut
Chanted: O kei o wae Ke to protect me from the serpents until I wake up.

a....ho aei po...
ho aei po....evarb...
ksat....ho aei po...

My Father's word lingered in my head, who I devoted my whole heart
Until the peaking Sun God pried my eyelids open, like a crowbar
The mist of morning dew & fog-Blinded the beauty of the early setting
Grabbed my sack & gripped a log-Headed on my unknowing direction
The intense breeze bullied my bare skin; Hits of harsh coldness
The route potent; The unspoken Gods making it difficult to be chosen
I continue the Journey of Forever-Follow the weather, follow a hunch
Days goes, days past, the nibbling of my breads deteriorate to crumbs
My Hunger becomes my worst enemy; Scarce berries & nuts give me hope
While the ongoing hills suddenly shift to an ongoing slope
Days of survival are limited; Hopelessness becomes an epitome I can't bare
Shout at the omnipotent wishing the Sky God would cry in misery & despair
atleast to quench my thirst..Was I a joke of my tribe? To be lost & depleted
Did they want me distant? Did they hate me? For my heart to be secreted
Weariness overpowering my pride as it rushes my mind
I fall to the ground with the thought; Shutting my eyes..

a....ho aei po..
Ho aei po....evarb..
ksat...ho aei po..

I woke up to a distinctive noise...too close to fear its presence
Too weak to lose poise...I feel it breathe in, breathe out upon my neck &..
..I turn in its direction..a massive cat; Within range to end my life
It growls then prowls.......then swipes its paw & takes a bite..
I reacted & dodged the horror, while the blood aroused the beast
Grab the rod to support me from each row of astounding teeth
I plunge it into his mouth; Twist the rod as it tumbles down his throat
Get up & watch as it struggles to breathe as it chokes..

..It doesn't move; In resentment I wanted to watch the body turn foul
I covered my wound & walked over to snatch my rod from its mouth
I bend down to pick up my cloth & realized that it was torn &..
I decided to use it to cover my wound & the mixed herbs as ointment..
It soothed the pain..I was now determined to finish hell
& avoid a cowardly death...despite my diminished health
I continued...the wind god gradually slowing down with each step
My nerves rising again...will I again have to defeat death?
Suddenly I appeared upon a land...a land too familiar
Something my Father described to me...too familiar..
The wind silenced...this looked like..like...what did the No man say..
Hum Ho Gaye Aap Ke...the land...The Land of the Brave..
That's it, but then it hit me...the dreams, the chants, the paths..

a....ho aei po..
Ho aei po...brave..
task...ho aei po...

I just completed A Brave Task.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...84#post3185884
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=233953

[Nique.]

mmmhm

[mcl]

feeling this man the subject was cool the whole piece was 9/10

[mcl]

ur flow is one of the best iv seen

[B.I.Detained.]

Followed the gust of air, while the Sun God leaves its place to dream
& re-appears with a glare from darkness-the Evil Spirits rape the leaves
^^very good. That there is how internals aid a piece.

I woke up to a distinctive noise...too close to fear its presence
Too weak to lose poise...I feel it breathe in, breathe out upon my neck &..
..I turn in its direction..a massive cat; Within range to end my life
It growls then prowls.......then swipes its paw & takes a bite..
^^Good description. Held well, I liked it.

Right Nique, to be honest as a whole I really liked the piece. But
in the back of mind I did think the whole concept was a bit
cheesy. This isn't a bad thing. As its an old piece.
Your rhyming & purpose was cool, you held the story together
with keeping strong multi's and making syllables catch each
other. People say it isn't a big thing but its so much more
of a nice read when you do it.
The concept reminded me of quest but with an indian theme
if I caught it right?! Anyways.. IMO this was a consistent,
cool read. Sorry for the alliteration lol.
Keep writing and we need to collab' soon. Get me on AIM.

Make sure you hit the link-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...77#post3218677

[mcbadboy]

i think that yo need to make yo raps a little smaller the rating 7/10