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Thread: "Insanity"-The story, By OnUrb

  1. #1
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    "Insanity"-The story, By OnUrb

    Keystyle
    Sorry about the long ass story, but its worth the ending...hope u enjoy
    this is something u have to read the whole thing to get the story,...
    *Record is pressed on portable tape player*

    Detective: For the record..State your Name..then begin your statement.
    My name is Jack, i do my Job and work well
    Every week i Cut the meat, and stock the shelves,
    I help this metro population "feed-themselves"
    You see it all started with me,
    i felt the puplic was deprived of honorable meat
    i started as a cook, about last summer..
    when all this weird occurances caused so much wonder..
    The first week i started, i learned quickly, and gave helpful tips
    To help the resturante lower food costs, off their yearly-lists
    but from the begining many of the managers didnt respect my wit.
    Lance was allways looking for a way to get me fired and shit..
    i felt that i didnt diserve this, sent complains up to corporate.
    they agreed to fire the manager Lance who was so morbid
    im guessing the resturante was his whole life..
    it came as a great shock, and he wouldnt Go Nice...
    got really ticked off almost got a hold of a knife...
    My throat was surely the place he wanted to slice...
    but business must go on, and we maintained with orders..
    brushing shoulders off, we relaxed cause he did recieve a restraining order..
    about a week later, things really hit the fan...
    one of our works didnt show, the same man who usually agreed with lance
    we called his home, waited a week, he never returned to work,
    so we thought he quit, and just left without any notice like a jerk.
    This was Lances whole life, the customers enjoyed him there...
    the rumors of what happened spread, and i got looked down upon everywhere
    so we went on and had to hire replacements, so far 30 this year
    and every week, right on point another would just disapeer..
    Detective: Yes it is very uncommon, each one suffered the same nonsense//
    Detective: Wouldnt come back to work wouldnt call...
    Detective: each one ended up with a missing persons alert, faces posted at the malls
    Yes and at first, we thought its back luck we allways get handed
    till we noticed the police said each of the workers homes were abanded
    The days went on, people must eat, and every week,
    another disapeared, and was never found on the street,,
    i began to panic, is Lance coming for me?
    So i came to you to leave my statement and plea..
    2nd lutenant: Detective, we found lance, and we have him in our custody
    Detective: thats great you see jack now u can trust in me...
    Detective: and theres no way Lance can now touch u see...
    Detective: so why dont u go home and get some resting..
    2nd lutenant: ill bring him to the conference room to question
    Detective: this may be mass murder, and were will be stopping this shit..
    2nd lutenant: with lance off the street we can get to the bottom of this..
    So jack went home, with lance stuck in prison..
    all the workers were sure no one else would come up missing..
    that friday at work the days was just too long..
    Mr wong, didnt come in friday at dawn...
    We drove near his house...just to check on..
    to see if he was sick or if somethng was wrong..
    we knocked on the door, rang, and beeped-him..
    And his wife was stumped because she also hadnt seen-him
    i called detective bob, asked him, whats going on?
    Detective: Lance was murdered late last night on the Jon..
    Detective: someone Carved him up, like thanks giving turkey is on..
    detective: left us nothing but the bones all the flesh is gone
    Now i was really afraid, could it be a game...
    Maybe it was Lances assistant manager who was the first to disapeer away
    maybe the bones where actually of another missing employee...
    then my cell rings, its the detective calling..
    Detective:We noticed the bones arent lances..DNA suggests-it
    Detective:And its actually Mr wongs, dental impressions..
    Detective: look id really u like u to stay calm..
    Detective: sleep at a family members because Lance maybe at large.
    *next day detective walks into the resturante where Jack works*
    Detective: Hi i am aware that jack should be working this shift
    Cashier: No jack, didnt call yet, and he still hasnt come-in
    Detective: Now this is really starting to smell like some fish..
    Detective: u guys gotta close, were're ganna have to inspect all of this..
    Detective: by the way ill have a number 5 with a sprite and chips
    So they close down the shop, every leaves..
    except for police searching records and inspecting the scene..
    In the stock room near the stocked meat.. they find a bottle of teeth..
    and send it into the lab for it all to get screned..
    2nd lutenant: Detective, we have found something truly Obscene..
    2nd Lutenant: it seems, these teeth are of all those missing..
    2nd lutenant: But Lances wisdom teeth are included in these..
    Detective: so that must mean,
    2nd lutenant: YES he is allready Deceased!!!
    As the detective tok a bite out of combo number five..he Felt..
    a bit of doupt within His Health..the taste of canabalism didnt help
    He spit out the food in anger and puked on the floor as he reminded himself
    Jacks words on the tape..he felt as if he saw the devil in hell...

    My name is Jack, i do my Job and work well
    Every week i Cut the meat, and stock the shelves,
    I help this metro population "feed-themselves"



    Damn long story huh....my bad, good ending though..
    Last edited by .On-UrB.; September 1st, 2005 at 11:01 PM

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  2. #2
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  3. #3
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    thsi is the longest drop i ever seen...............................
    story was kool though, enjoyed readin it
    visuals in sum parts left me blank
    rhymes were goood
    since this is a stroy it really doesnt need good strucutre, but i perfer even lines and smooth flow to make it easeir to read, espeically long drops
    goood job here man, keep elevatng and keep it up
    peace and hit a reply to my open mic drop too, the criminal one

  4. #4
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    up up up










    up up up

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  5. #5
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    up up up up



    ya'll cant be sleeping on this just cause its so long...come on....readin long pieces like this is what ya'll should be doing to elevate...

    Up UP..

    ya'll need to peep this one.
    i allways return the favor....skribble i willdef get to your piece

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  6. #6
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    Dope story... long as hell but dope. good use of wordplay and nice way to connect sentences to keep the story going without wondering off the plot. You made it work with nice imagery.

  7. #7
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    tru this shit was long as fuck but you did good work on the structure thought, some lines were stretched on this but it was good had nice vocab.. this was more like readin a story tho to me... good job jus try not to make so much next time.. i guess you was serious about this shit huh? nice drop
    THE FAMILY.

  8. #8
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    Haha...I Like....A Dope Story Dog, Foreal...i Enjoyed Reading it... Keep up The good Work... Keep it real Yo.. Peace & Love

  9. #9
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    good looks on all the feedback,

    i also enjoyed writing this story very much,

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